More on Sex Work and Sex Workers … and Acceptance
No, it’s not part of my ill planned Silly Sex Work Stereotypes series. Just some thinking on things.
I’ve recently been trying to re-trace my steps as a sex worker. To work out who and where I was when I started and review my paths and the things I’ve learned. This has led to looking up some of the early web resources that started me out. You see, it all began with some shoes. At least, the moving from stripping to escorting. The stripping started with a good story too, all caused by $4, or underpaying something by that amount. I’ll save that story for another time. Back to the shoes.
Living in a small east Tx town I was working during the day at a dead end receptionist job, making ends meet by working nights in a local strip joint. I’d not danced for a while, and my six inch stripper heels were far past thier useful life. But those aren’t just sold in the mall in conservative small town Texas. Some small town clubs have traveling salespeople who come and set up shop for a few nights so you can purchase costumes. Note that I call those places ‘clubs’ and haven’t referred to this particular establishment with such gracious terms. It was a joint at best. Maybe. A dive for sure. There’s so many details I could share but this single one should put the right image in your mind…instead of a DJ we had a jukebox, which each dancer paid 3.00/song to dance to, all night long. Anyhoo. I needed shoes. So I could make enough money to fix the car to be able to drive further to a better gentlemen’s club to work at.
So at work during the day, I’d get my receptionist duties done and then search the web for resources. This was pre-1999, there were far fewer than today. In my searching I stumbled upon a message board for sex workers operated by the now retired Seattle sex workers group, Blackstockings. What a lucky find that place was, where would I have ended up without it…yikes! As much and as fast as things change I’m surprised it held on as long as it did, but man do I miss those folks and sometimes find myself wondering what they are up to. I met many people I still see around the web and admire, and many who are gone or changed. Lady Lydia, Magdalene Meretrix, and Mistress Mattise were all women I identified with strongly and sought advice from, although I didn’t feel prepared to explore my dominance at that time. I’m kind of glad I can’t go back and read how naiive I sounded. When I moved to central Texas I got swept up in being involved with another online group which was differently oriented and lost touch with most of these contacts, but boy am I glad those ladies were my first influences. For so many reasons unrelated to BDSM; but also because when I was ready to step up to the plate and accept it, I had thier wisdom to draw upon already.
Recently I was chatting with a new-ish girlfriend (meaning friend who is a girl, not a lover, dirty boys). We were getting to know each other and revealing personal things. I told her about my past sex work once I knew how she’d react. She was surprised but accepting. And curious, as I knew she would be.
“I don’t think I could do that…”
she gave me a sideways look, almost asking. I tried to think about how to explain it as I experienced it. I’ve never done well enough at that. Because the off-the-shelf reaction is that one is selling herself, and the next is…’eeew…did you have to see people who were …________(fill in the blank…old, fat, bald, hairy, smelly, weird….). However, for the most part, I experienced my sex work as a very spiritual and innate part of myself…as a service very valued and respected by my clients. I never felt that I was ’selling myself’ but being paid for a very valuable and often healing experience. But just saying it that way doesn’t explain how or why I, and many others, perceive our experience in sex work this way. So it just gets relegated to being re-written back to the fallback, ’selling ourselves’. I hate that.
So, back to my re-tracing my steps. I’d already found Lydia and Matisse online (which reminds me I need to update my blogroll, seriously), and a few lesser known souls from that time. Some I’ve contacted, some not. More of just a checking in, seeing where other people have landed. One lady I really wanted to find, if only to see if I could get a copy of a few of her articles that really influenced me in my early sex work days, was Magdalene Meretrix. But I’ve also been interested in re-reading on some of her other subjects -sex magik, sacred whores, the online prostitution museum she operated, dedicated to properly documenting stories and history of sex work, filling in the gaps that otherwise ridiculous tales grow up in. And to see a copy of the (defunct) realm-of-shade’s 404 page (order of the 404…anyone have it?) because I’m a geek and I entertain myself that way. I’d already been rather unsuccessful at locating her old sites and that it appears her online persona is no more. I’d recovered a few articles from various archives, read a few bits of her published books over the years. I found another today that I remember reading not long before my first appointment ever. I am pretty sure I would have ended up with this perception anyway, but this essay looked at sex work from the Thelemic theme of the Sacred Whore, ‘acceptance of all’. It influenced me greatly and I am so glad to have found it again. I think that when I find myself having difficulty describing my viewpoint on ‘how I could do that‘ to someone I will send them a link to it. Yeah, that’ll uh…help. Maybe I won’t.
I recommend anyone curious about one of the many viewpoints of actual sex workers on sex work click the link for the quote below and read the entire article, especially the list above this quote of how that “acceptance of all” from Crowley’s writing is interpreted into the acts of a sex worker. I’d re-quote them here but it’s a lot to quote from someone you no longer communicate with, and I’d rather not reduce the article to a list of How sex work is acceptance of everyone, that will just get circulated around the net via fwd, because that’d just be my luck. I found that even among the most uninitiated, many of these tenets held true almost naturally; and that those of us who looked upon our work in this manner were generally well respected for it.
I re-read it of course. It just thrills me how a text read almost a decade ago can be just as powerful now as it was then.
“Without acceptance, there will always be separation. It is only when the Sacred Whore learns to accept that which is Other that the union of opposites and the joy of dissolution can commence.” … Magdalene Meretrix ” In Nomine Babalon: Sacred Whoredom in a Thelemic Context”
That was like a cast iron pan to the face. In a good way. I’d been reflecting on my separation from my sexuality/from my emotions/emotional and sexual separation from my loved ones, on how sex work has contributed, how becoming a dominant in all aspects of my life has contributed, and why.
Of course it all goes to acceptance. I need to let it simmer for a bit before I write about it but I know what it means to me now. Acceptance for me, the sex worker. I’ve been trying to lead two lives, the sex worker, and the simple vanilla mom; not allowing acceptance for who I really am by hiding her with a facade to please people who no longer need pleasing. I knew this. I’ve known this. But it’s harder to put into practice and easy to forget things we know, allow ourselves to buy in to other’s perceptions bit by bit, habit by habit. I think I managed it for a short time years ago- and now that I realize that I can look back and see that I was happy, my efforts were successful, my family seemed happy with me. I’ve been ‘planning’ a ditching of the facade of the vanilla me- why? A kid at home. A family who thinks rather traditionally. A weird situation with the kid’s absent father. Wanting to protect the other people in my life. But now, they know. She’s (the kid) halfway out the door, and of age. There’s my recent email fubar with Dad. Maybe it’s time to just stop planning and start doing.
Acceptance. Okay, hand me a lime. maybe I can call it tonic now.
Trying something different
I’ve been thinking about doing this for some time now- maybe a year. Now seems like the right timing, and I’ve decided to seek a part time domestic service slave for a much more formal and less emotional D/s partnership than I’ve had recently. For so many reasons, I don’t wish to expend the emotional capacity required for a loving committed relationship right now (not that I don’t intend to still be my empathetic self- can’t help that); but I already feel an overwhelming need to dominate someone only weeks without a body to put my hands on. I just am not a ‘playmate’ kind of kinkster. I don’t want to sate my needs with an endless stream of meaningless one-nighters with subs…I do need the stability of an ongoing arrangement. I really need an outlet, and more than that, I deserve to be served and have the leisure to not perform housework so I can focus on myself and more important matters. Not to mention, continuing to do things that haven’t worked is the definition of insanity. I need to change things up and flex my dominant muscles in a new way, to grow and expand my horizons.
I’ve been reticent to share this here; and I’m not sure why. I suppose because I know it seems out of character for sensitive, passionate me, who really does want a true love relationship when it comes, how it comes. And I guess because I really don’t want to appear to be like the truly selfish dommes I often see on various personal sites – interested in receiving worship and service (and gifts and stacks of cash) but not in their duties as dominant, who don’t care for their subs at all. But I know that you all know, that’s not who I could ever be; and that even without romance or the promise of a long term love I wouldn’t ask someone to serve for me without concern for him and care for his needs and serious thought and commitment to my responsibility in the arrangement.
This is something I’ve wanted for some time and find myself thinking about more and more each day. I have researched the training techniques I will use, I have thought out a training regime, I am itchy for purposeful reward and punishment sessions that have nothing to do with emotional ties and everything to do with standards and service. I had the pleasure of using a service submissive several times as an escort and truly enjoyed it. Except that as an escort, I was quite expected to wear kinky attire, be sexy, limit my missives to those which my sub wanted, and carry a false theatrical air. These submissives didn’t really want to serve- to be forced to really scrub the toilet clean, just the subspace that the idealized idea of service would put them in.
I know that this will be different and will push me to develop my dominant skills more thoroughly and learn to focus more on myself, and that removing the romance and emotion (as much as possible) will really allow me to give myself permission to do that. I still struggle with really letting myself truly be cruel and demanding, because I continue to have the experience that when I do, I lose my sub. Despite it being ‘the ultimate’ in Femdom fantasy, “obey or leave” has ended with the latter, less rewarding option for me more than once; and the orders generally haven’t been as far as I really wanted to go. I know this has visibly undermined my confidence, I find myself hesitating when I want something more extreme from my partner and questioning myself constantly …”Will he like this? Will he tell me if he doesn’t? Will he change his mind half-way in?”. It’s a terrible tightrope to be on. And I hope that working towards some success without the emotional involvement will give me the tools to face and work through that, and grow. I know that removing the romantic aspect for myself will allow me a space to nurture my dominance and increasing sadism in more relative emotional safety.
So the ad I put up has garnered some surprisingly good responses and I am in the early stages of interviewing some candidates (if you’re local and interested, email me for the details and instructions). The most promising has had an identical arrangement before for several years with a lesbian domme, and he’s been very attentive to providing me with concrete details that will help me make my decision. Such as, providing me with a schedule of when he would be available to me by his third email, and describing clearly why such an arrangement would benefit him. I’ve made clear no sexual service or reward will be involved, but that in exchange for weekly domestic services I will provide consistent firm training and a reciprocal ’scene’ at the end of the day’s service…punishment and correction for bad service, rewarding play for good, plus whatever I feel like doing that day. When I asked what sort of rewards motivated him he confirmed that he understood I wouldn’t be giving sexual rewards with his answer, which was that I could perhaps offer him the opportunity for a less severe punishment for his next infraction than he’d normally receive, as he doesn’t consider himself a masochist and would appreciate less pain as much as a sexual reward. While that thrilled me, I don’t expect slave service for nothing, to be sure; and though I don’t find him compellingly attractive I am sure I won’t mind surprising him with a nicer reward than that when he deserves it. We plan to meet this weekend for an introductory lunch and I am looking forward to it.
There have been the ‘please totally enslave me 24/7/365 now’ replies, from foreign men mostly. These I almost always just snicker at and delete but one intrigues me because his responses have been well formed and thought out, intelligent and not pushy or ‘do-me’ like…and all the others are. So while I don’t intend to have him relocate from overseas, I’m enjoying picking his brain. I haven’t made as much progress with the other promising applicants but the search hasn’t been ongoing for more than a few days. I am finding the process of not worrying about whether they are attracted to me physically or romantically, not concerning myself with saying something that might make one *I* find myself attracted to emotionally disappear, very liberating. I know this adventure won’t be all worship and roses; that I will likely make mistakes and that it may not work out at all. But then again, it may, and I may never have to do dishes ever again!
Acceptance
In a comment to my last post saratoga summed up what I said by adding that acceptance was a wonderful tonic. Only, I didn’t feel ‘tonic’, or acceptance. Still don’t. More like resignation. I don’t like that feeling at all.
The post itself was more of a ‘few years in review’ of facts I already knew than acceptance of something I was just understanding. Sometimes writing it all out at once like that forces some sort of idea for how to wrap it all up in a silver lining or see an end goal I can use to motivate myself to get through hard times. Not this time. Not yet anyway.
I don’t generally accept defeat. I just move the goal line or play a new game. But I do know when enough is enough. And enough is enough with p., really and truly, for good, no more. No need at all to get into the details. Same old, same old. Except this time he said what he needed to say to end it for good for me. For good. There is so much more I could say but for so many reasons, I just won’t. Hard, sad, frustrating, and angering; and I’m working really hard to not let any man’s actions lead to my feeling that way. I know what my mistakes were. I know what the connection was, and is; and so does he. But it’s done. I’m not devastated. I haven’t cried. I’m sad. Sad for me, because I really, really, REALLY wanted and deserve what I knew we could have; but more sad for him. Running never works and I have no choice but to move on. I’m just going to have to wait a while before I hit anyone so as not to give them what I have for him; and hope that I can still open myself up to that kind of passion when it offers itself again.
I guess that’s acceptance. But it’s sure not a tonic. Whatever that is, I’m still waiting for it.
Toy bag additions- a pretty good pick-me-up
Yesterday my 5 lb box of toys arrived….Christmas in June. I think the majority of that weight was in the strap on I ordered….holy crap batman! It must weigh at least 3 lbs. I uh…didn’t look at the 2 inch girth when ordering, just the supposed 6 inches of ‘insertable length’- about which I believe I was misled. This will be fun for forced blow jobs, but it would take a real slut to take this in any other orifice. I can’t even wrap my hand around it and didn’t bother giving it a try myself. Well…okay, I did. For about half a second. I really look forward to seeing a sub’s eyes water as he is backed up against a wall and face fucked with this; but I’m looking for a less meaty one for fucking ass. Most men can take much less than they fantasize/brag about. Hopefully my harness will be arriving soon, I’m looking forward to testing out reactions to my new shenis.
There were some cheapo handcuffs…black double locking. One of the keys snapped the first time I tried to unlock them….I haven’t decided whether to return them or order extra keys; but I won’t use these on anyone until I have two working keys in hand- they’re cheap but too sturdy for any of MY tools to cut through in case of emergency. 
And a pair of chained clover clamps… a warm up/trainer for sparky because I knew the tiny clothespins weren’t his favorite and he’d begun involuntarily protecting his nipples from even my bare hands after we had a discussion about nipple rings. I found a package of colored tiny clothespins on my last hobby store trip and couldn’t resist.
A leather blindfold with removable eye patches…sparky and others had, several times, seen my satin sleep mask and wanted it used on him; it’s mine for sleeping (it helps my insomnia) and I don’t plan on putting it on a sweaty slave. An english cock and ball cage that was much nicer than I expected, black with red stitching, good quality leather, and several adjustment options. Some silk rope, a pair of safety scissors…just replacing stuff lost a few years ago. (An aside – for newer readers, I lost about 3k worth of toys and lingerie while traveling as a companion with a married friend. My travel arrangements made it too indiscrete to file complaints with an unnamed airline whose name starts with C about the theft of these items from my luggage.) 
A little 12 strap leather slapper, also nicer than I expected…in purple- I wanted red but it was out of stock and this was under $5. It matches my crop and will be a good warm up tool. A sort of straggly looking ‘mini-whip’ that gives a meaner bite than I thought it would- on the site it looked more flogger like. If it stands up, I think I will like this one quite a bit despite its looks. I may tie knots in the end.
There were some vibrating goodies- a tongue-dinger, a hum-dinger (these are so fun- one use vibes usually under 3 bucks, attatched to a cock or tongue ring, When the vibe is out, you can replace with a small bullet vibe or order more hum-dinger vibes), a hum dinger with ball-bangers, and a cock ring similar to a hum-dinger, but with ’stinger’ anal beads. I believe the anal beads are meant for the woman, but I intend to use them on the wearer. This ring came with a small bullet vibe. All fun for teasing and orgasm denial, and for me. 
Imagine having this put around your cock with the beads up your ass, and then being tied up and told not to cum while the vibe was turned on and you were alternately teased and tortured until it gave out (about 40 minutes) or until you came and had to be punished. Something to look forward to.
So, in addition to my existing toys and tools (tiny crop, whippy cane, the spreader bar sparky made me, my ‘collar-style’ cock collars – some with charms, my short cock collar lead and rhinestone lead, red leather dog collar and lead, leather chastity belt, a couple of anal plugs and various sized vibes, a small collection of locks and caribeeners and clapms and clips, an over-the door hanger set stolen out of my exercise kit, my cigarette holder, and a few other toys…) I think I’ve finally begun to build back up my toy box. I still need new cuffs- but I want a specific, expensive set. A hogtie 4 way snap, a shorter spreader bar, a couple of good floggers and a paddle or two…I could make my wishlist go on forever; but those are really the only things I find lacking now….and I have plenty of time to save up for them. I keep forgetting to get the screws and wingnuts I need for converting my quilt rack into a bondage rack; but they are on the list for my next trip.
Shopping therapy does work at least temporarily, whether shoes or domme supplies…I felt a lot better yesterday unwrapping my goodies and thinking about how I’ll use them. And I couldn’t surpress a hearty laugh every time I thought about that giant strap on cock….here it is in comparison to a soda can.
Note to self: be more attentive to measurements.
Note to subs: hahahahahaha!
Unstable Ground
I’ve been reviewing my blog the last few weeks and the ways my life and mentality has changed direction over that time. I’ve covered a lot of ground.
When I began this blog I knew that my life over the coming two to three years would be undergoing serious change. My daughter would be graduating in 2009 and the only identity I’d really built for myself (as a single mother) would be drastically and forever different. I concurrently began a search for the right submissive partner, in hopes of establishing a relationship well before the ground of my current life began shaking
beneath my feet. I realized that I had very little other than my motherhood to focus myself on, having been parenting since the age of fifteen without the time or ability to focus on much more; the questions from my few friends “What are you going to do with yourself” terrified me.
I was several years out of a long term relationship that ended so badly it left me unable to allow myself to relate to anyone in an intimate way for almost three years; and had spent that three years in deep thought about my relationships and what worked for me and what didn’t, coming to terms with my dominant and sadistic desires.
I was suffering financial disaster stemming from a hundred different things, half of them my own fault and half totally out of my hands; living in a bad apartment in a bad part of town. In the two years before my cuckold relationship with L. ended, my daughter had a serious trampoline accident, and at the hospital we were informed her father had left the country and canceled her health insurance. I’d not talked to my own father or his side of the family since 1999. In the three years since my relationship ended on my 30th birthday I’d lost all of my grandparents- one of which had disowned me for my teenage pregnancy. Yet I had been compelled to deal with her estate when she passed- adding to my own financial distress, and I’d found out in the process she’d left an ugly last word for me in the will. I’d worked for five years as a successful escort- the only level of success I’d ever achieved as an adult in a ‘career’; and ended that career to try and save my relationship with L. unsuccessfully. I was struggling to develop a small business as a web designer and be happy with the results – both financial and otherwise- in comparison to the brief success I’d just left and finding it coming up short.
So it was never stable ground to begin with that I stood on, and the only thing I really felt I had was my daughter, my parenthood. And I knew that was both changing and in effect, soon ending. And that if I didn’t find something else substantial to throw myself into before that happened, that it would be all that much lonelier and harder to experience. I knew a relationship, one based in D/s with a submissive would require much focus and might substantially add to my responsibility list; more so than simply a boyfriend. And this was attractive to me; my all or nothing personality does better when I have to work for what I have, and know I’ve earned it. I also had come to realize that much of the source of my past relationship troubles stemmed from not being honest with myself and my partner about my dominance; not addressing it as a part of the relationship. I felt that if I was able to find the right connection with a suitable partner, it might be possible to develop a relationship that I could lean upon when the rest of my world got unavoidably difficult over the coming years.
Of course none of that has happened.
In many ways life is much better than it was nearly two years ago. I’ve purchased a nice home with the help of one of my parents- which was unexpected and an olive branch of sorts. It was more home than I’d have purchased based on my own standards, and a bit of a financial strain; but worth it. What could be described as a stand off between myself and my father was broken by his having a heart attack on Thanksgiving day last year and two more in the following two weeks. My daughter’s father has made a seemingly 180 degree turnaround and is communicating with me for the first time ever; offering much needed help for college costs that I wasn’t sure how I was going to cover. My business is doing better with time; but still not well enough. My finances ever so slowly getting better; I’ve chosen to go back to adult entertainment to improve the odds and to sate some of my more personal needs. I’ve gotten back out into the dating world and not run back home to hide my head under the proverbial covers. I’ve grown as a dominant in both my technical skills and my thoughts on what that means for me, who I am, what I want in life, and what questions I need to ask myself to get there.
But those changes that I knew would shake me are here and they sure make all of those gains seem somewhat insignificant. My daughter is a senior in three days. In the last year she’s tried smoking, cutting herself, she’s dropped out of an extra curricular activity she’s been in for 5 years and we’ve invested thousands of dollars into, and considered getting her GED and going on to Jr. College instead of graduating at the all-honors magnet program I’ve put myself into hock to keep her in. She is dropping comments like “In six months I’ll be eighteen and if I wanted to move out you couldn’t stop me, legally.” in casual conversation that doesn’t (to me) seem to call for that at all. She’s purposely not brought home paperwork for school opportunities; and spends most of her time in her bedroom or out of the house, when we used to be constant companions. All somewhat normal, I know and understand. Still very difficult for me; I’ve built my entire life and sense of purpose around seeing this person through to a successful adulthood since I was fifteen years old. She’s been on a steady path to that success without any signs of real trouble until now. And we are friends; no one knows me better than my daughter, and vice versa; making her daily retreat into her bedroom an even more lonely event for me. There is nothing more important to me than my daughter. When I think of defining myself, it is this, not all the other things, that comes to mind.
And, the relationship I’d hoped to build before now isn’t here. Instead, there’s sparky, about whom I feel conflicted because I feel no passion between us but see almost all the other things I want in place; and p., about whom I feel conflicted because I feel so much passion between us and see none of the other things I want in place. I know that sparky is a good partner, and could possibly become my ideal submissive with training; but I always feel like each of us is waiting for something more. And with p., there is this incredible passion on both sides, but no effort from him whatsoever; and I can’t afford to be the only one paying relationship dues. I never thought a relationship or a submissive would solve my problems or replace my purpose in motherhood; but I did hope that having one could help me push through what I knew might be the hardest time in my life and thought that I might be able to purposefully go about making that happen.
I never planned for a life that looked like this. Who would? Who could? I find myself looking back at the road that has risen up behind me slightly in awe. And looking forward unsure of what comes next. Much of what effects the future of my own life is currently out of my control and I’m in a limbo waiting period; paddling water and waiting to see which way the current is going to flow next, what debris it will bring, and where it will take me.
As a dominant, as the head of a relationship, this period of directionless-ness (I doubt that is a word- but whatever) is bad. I’m finding it very hard to provide direction of the meat and potatoes kind for my relationships when there is such a dearth of it in the rest of my life. And just as hard to be creative and as prolific in my training and play as I’d like to be, and as my two interests need me to be. This leaves them feeling needy and unattended to, which keeps them from giving me the things I need; and altogether this leaves me feeling even more loss of control…a stagnating paralyzing situation.
§
I’d written the above portion of this post early last week and I guess I’ve lost the end point I was going to make but saw the end with sparky and I coming. The landscape has shifted some more…I’m sure there is more to come. I have a major family event coming in late summer- a brother’s wedding- that carries all sorts of complicated requirements for me…getting into them here isn’t my point. For it to go smoothly I’ll have to make amends with my ex-step-mother, mentioned waaay back in the beginnings of this blog for those of you who read serially. I’ll be visiting two of my little sisters graves for the first time in about 7 years (I’m the eldest, and only living of four daughters). And to do it I’ll have to go ‘behind the pine curtain’Â to deep, claustrophobic, swampy, incestuous East Texas; a place that represents so many of the hardest times in my life that an emotional face-to-face with some of those dark places is going to be unavoidable.
I think that everybody, dominant/submissive, kinky/vanilla, feels the need for something to cling to in times of unstableness. I don’t think this makes one weak or diminishes a dominant; but then I wonder if I’m wrong. When I read about submissives who are disappointed in their dominant’s reactions when life’s ground gives way…expecting ever more strength and stoicness, less and less need for emotional affection from them, as each stressor builds…it leaves me confounded. When I think about my own reactions to stress, as a dominant in a relationship I feel pressure to not show my weakness to it, to not ask for help, to put up a bigger and better facade of ‘power’; because I know that the blanket perception is: dominants don’t have emotions and don’t need anyone. I think it’s more accurate to say that many dominants experience, and heavily protect very acutely sensitive emotions and many learn to live without relying on others (emotionally) because of wounds inflicted on those sensitivities. The more wounded I feel, the less I am willing to leave myself open to more potential for that pain. When I don’t feel I have stability and trust in my submissive, pushing even established boundaries with him leaves me very vulnerable, and when I am already under stress I know I can’t afford a setback. It’s easier to retreat into myself than to leave myself open to a reaction from my sub that might be less than empowering, when I am under personal stress.
I find myself torn between knowing that there is so much that needs my intent focus in my personal life that starting a new relationship right now would be folly; and just not wanting to have to face it alone, knowing I am really needing the sustenance of companionship and passion and being needed and desired. And knowing that my dominant and sadistic desires only grow by the day, I wonder if I am going to be able to successfully press the pause button. The fact is that now I am in the crush of things I knew were coming, and if I were to have a relationship to lean on through it, it needed to be well past beginning at this point. Particularly starting a D/s relationship, with so much unavoidable instability in my personal life, would be irresponsible; but I couldn’t ask anyone to become a part of my life in it’s current state anyway. Not that I won’t try and have some fun…I do have tons of toys arriving next week after all. But I’m feeling like the responsible window for starting a meaningful relationship has closed for me, for a while. I’m sure soon I’ll find a reason for my outlook will change, but for now it feels like I’m in for a long, lonely road ahead.