Feeling….Rar!
*blissful sigh*
Man do I feel good.
I began the day with a nice beating of sparky and breakfast tacos. I really have to start the day like that more often.
Actually, all week I have been feeling just … good. Confident. Powerful…. Rar. (that’s a sarcastic roar).
More and more so since my decision to start work as a foot fetishist. I know this choice left many of you worried and torn, so let me put your mind at ease. That’s not what this post is about, but trust me, it was the right decision. The effect on my mood has been tremendous.
I’m still seeing sparky; we’ve seen much less of each other lately due to schedules; once every couple of weeks has been all we can manage. And, under so much stress, I’ve not been up to much play- we’ve spent the last several dates just doing dinner and going to bed early so I can nurse my sour stomach. We haven’t really made a lot of relationship progress; more like just a holding pattern in the early dating phase. That’s really my doing – I’ve purposely kept from moving into any ‘training’ type activities or more intimate and bonding FemDom activities with him; the reasons are many -mostly because of the feelings I have for p. and the lack of spark I feel for sparky, but also because of the enormous amount of emotional stress I’ve been under since my dad’s heart attack and the real lack of time we have to spend together. I sense a lack of impetus on sparky’s part too; although I know this is in part because of my lack of direction- giving direction and feeling any sort of direction. Now that I am feeling more myself I have more energy to focus that aspect of my relationship with him.
Last night sparky took me to a little italian restaurant downtown. I was a little disappointed when sparky arrived in jeans and a t-shirt and black tennis shoes; when we met his profile mentioned he loved women who dressed fabulously. I enjoy dressing well and because I work from home have little occasion to do so; so when we go out I enjoy the opportunity. But I also assume that a man who loves being with a well dressed woman knows that he should compliment the style he loves and never make her appear overdressed by being drastically under dressed. I wore dark jeans, hot pink croc leather high heel slingbacks with pointy toes, and a wrap blouse with bright colors…and my leash belt, with the intent of using it later. I had recently purchased a new cock ‘collar’ like the red one sparky is pictured in a few months back- I broke it one night during a particularly intense lovemaking session. I purchased charms for the new ones (I bought six this time) – my initial, a shoe, a bikini which looks like bra and panties…I think they will look lovely dangling and bouncing against sparky’s tiny balls as a little reminder, and plan to to use the different ones in different training. (a night of feminization would be accompanied by the cock collar with the bra and panties, as my foot slave he would wear the shoe, etc.) I had sparky come up to my bedroom to sit while I finished my makeup, and was going to attach the collar with my initial and my short lead; but (a) couldn’t find the short lead and (b) also could not find my jewelry pliers to put the charm on. Which worked out, sparky seemed drained and tired and laid on the bed complaining of lower back pain, so instead I took the tiger balm from my toy bag and used it for good, not evil, just this time.
We had an incredible meal – I had braised duck leg with butternut squash ravioli and a cherry glaze, we shared a bottle of pinot grigio that disappeared quickly. I believe my stomach problems the last few times we’ve been out have been mainly stress related; my body talks to me a lot when I’m stressed. We laid in the bed of his truck and watched the first stars come out and talked of going out for a drink but instead went home. On the drive back I unbuttoned his pants and played with his cock, surprising him with a blow job the last few miles. We haven’t seen each other in several weeks and I knew he’d come easily; I also knew he’d be unsure of coming in my mouth and try not to and I wanted to MAKE him loose control and do it, not knowing whether I wanted him to or not. I planned to hold it in my mouth until we stopped and then kiss him and tongue it into his open mouth. sparky resisted, not wanting to have an accident on the country-like road to my house.
We headed up to my bedroom, as it was still early and C. was watching tv downstairs. I poured a glass of port and sparky stripped naked and lay on the bed next to me. Before long he was between my knees on his belly and I enjoyed a nice long pussy licking. Finally my clit was too sensitive from his licking and I pushed his head away. He laid on his back and I climbed on top. I usually like to spend several minutes teasing him before letting him enter me; and then several more minutes only letting him do so an inch at a time….I love relishing the first moments a man enters me. But this time I just sank onto his cock and took it deep inside, and immediately had three or four powerful orgasms. I leaned over and sucked one of sparky’s nipples into my mouth, grazing it with my teeth; sparky’s reaction surprised me- I was holding his hands down and he began to fight me and squeal. I immediately backed off to just my tongue but he kept on. I sat back up and rode him to another orgasm that left me spent; and as I got off of him and lay on my side of the bed I know he expected to roll over and resume, but I just smiled and curled up with a sigh.
“That was good. I think I’m going to lock you up until morning.”
sparky whimpered a bit but was also grinning; and whined that he didn’t think he’d fit in it right then.
“I can wait” was my reply.
And I grabbed a smoke and then laid in his chest to watch tv. When it looked like his erection had subsided a bit I got up and got the CBT. By the time I got back to the bed he was getting hard again so I made him put the ring on instead of doing it myself. Once on, he was fully erect again, so I settled back to wait. Soon enough he was forcing himself into it and I locked him in, placing the keys around my neck and snuggling into bed. I slept sooo soundly.
In the mornings, I take my daughter to school, getting up by 6:30, leaving the house around 7 and getting back around 8. I’ve been leaving sparky in bed; I’m not a morning person and our routine is rushed. A few times he’s mentioned that he wondered if I’d lock him in my slave closet cage while I left so he’d be ready for use when I got back. I haven’t for a few reasons; mainly, at 6:30 am when I’m trying to get a kid off to school it’s the last thing on my mind, I figure if sparky wants morning sex and play, he’ll be ready and waiting to make it enticing for ME when I get back home. Not the other way around. So I told him last time he mentioned it that I’d make him a deal. If he wants to be put in the cage for the hour that I’m gone, he will be awake at 6 am and make my coffee, and bring it to me in bed so that I may have him locked up by 6:30 when C. is awake. He asked if my coffee pot was complicated…it is, it grinds the beans by itself; and hasn’t pursued it since. So, usually when I get home at 8 he’s showered and dressed and ready to leave. I requested he stay last time, since I’d been ill and we hadn’t had sex the night before; but I hadn’t mentioned it to him this time and when he didn’t get up this morning I thought he might head off to yoga like always. But he WAS locked up. I came in, poured a 2nd cup of coffee and had a smoke before heading up to my room. He was standing there showered and naked, clearly putting off getting dressed. I asked if he was waiting to be let out.
“I was kindof wondering”
“I was planning on sending you off that way”
“I was afraid of that”
My stomach was a bit upset as it often is in the morning and I laughed as I curled up on the bed to say so. He laid next to me and rubbed my hair.
“Penny for your dirty thoughts…” I asked
“How do you know they’re dirty” he replied
“I just know these things”
So sparky said he was thinking I might want to beat him since C wasn’t home and the neighbors were all at work. I hadn’t beat his ass in a while. I only sort of felt like it; but I knew I’d feel better once I saw him on his knees with that CBT hanging between them. So I had him lean over the bench I purchased for spanking recently, securing his ankles and wrists with electrical/bondage tape. Lately he’s been kicking and cycling his legs a lot when I facesit him or pinch his nipples really hard, I just wasn’t in the mood for it this morning.
I got out my crop and warmed him up a bit, raising no whelps until his skin was uniformly pink. I really love smacking his balls with the tip while they’re in the CBT…the way they jiggle and sway as I smack them makes me happy. So I alternated, ass, thighs, balls…no particular pattern; with intermittent hard croppings that made him draw in his breath and whine in protest. When it was clear sparky was anticipating my next smack I changed it up. After about ten minutes he was breathing too quickly and making a constant whimper; I had him slow his breathing and wet his more warm stripes with my tongue, blowing on them and caressing the raised bumps while keeping up a light pace with the crop. When his breathing returned to something less like hyperventilating I went back to heavier cropping. Then I got out the whippy cane. I haven’t used this yet; it was made for a specific punishment that p. owes me; but I was really on a roll and sparky seemed to be taking it well. When I took it from the bed where I’d laid it, he saw me and tensed, so I laid it down where he couldn’t see it and moved back to the crop for a while, working up the intensity because I knew the cane would be really intense. Finally I picked it up, positioned myself, and laid it across his backside. It didn’t behave as I expected; flesh is not exactly like a pillow….but it felt quite nice to finally use it on real skin. sparky moaned and then went into a repeated wimper/cry as I soothed the hot welt rising across his back. Mmmm. Then I went back to the crop just long enough for him to regain his breath, readjusted my position, and tried to replicate the mark on his other cheek so that the ends crossed in the middle of his back. I was trying to make a heart out of the welts, which you can sort of make out. That mark wasn’t as deep because I hesitated; sparky was almost crying, and I’d just made an attempt that caught the chair as I came down and poked sparky with the fast moving end of the cane. I didn’t want this to turn out badly and I’ve not used this tool before. I think it went well for a first time. I now know I need to shorten it and have my sub placed higher – perhaps leaning over the bed- for it to work as I want.
After sparky recovered from the second caning I went back to the crop for a bit, slowing the pace and using my hands more. Finally, I told him he’d done well, cut his ankles and wrists free, and sat next to him on the bed. I put my feet on the bench by his head and he alternated between kissing and licking my toes and resting on the bench while I used him as my footrest. Then we dressed and headed to the local taqueria for breakfast tacos.
I returned home and sat in the sunny living room relishing my taco and the morning. Sure felt good to be looking forward to a day of ‘work’, having my feet massaged and walking on a boy in my favorite heels; after a morning of using sparky and a fabulous night out last night.
Irony in Action
Living a life steeped in irony is sometimes just infuriating. And equally hilarious.
I mentioned making some lifestyle changes last time. After much thought I’ve decided to get back into the adult industry; and I’ve begun doing some foot fetish work very recently, as well as start work on a few other ventures.
My reasons are many but yes, of course finances have much to do with my final decision. I’d really planned on waiting until my daughter left for college;, but that is simply too far off and would be much more difficult to make happen if I waited. But I am doing it just as much because it is what makes me happy. I’m good at it. It makes me feel good. It was actually C. who made the decision for me. We were talking about it (she knows a limited amount, but not about the escorting)… I wanted to know how she’d feel if I went back; and she said something simple I’ve taught her since she could understand it…
“you have to do what your passion is … you love it”. She was right.
My current business is not what I think about all the time. Yes, I enjoy it, but it’s w.o.r.k. – I struggle to keep it going. I never did in any aspect of the adult industry. Everything I tried worked out very well as long as I kept faith in myself and didn’t listen to others. I have no desire to work as an escort again; but I really do enjoy one on one entertainment because my real passion is the psychology and mental exchange that goes on, not from an academic standpoint but a personal one. I also want to be less mired in just the daily struggle of getting bills paid so that I can focus on the things I want in life, good things for C., the opportunity to learn and grow on all levels, particularly as a domme, and if possible, the ability to sustain a relationship with p. once he moves. All of these things require the time to focus on them, and a better financial situation that I’m currently finding myself in. Since my father’s heart attacks I’ve been working more hours than ever and making less and less; and having less and less time to even think about kink, much less pursing the kind of life I want to lead once my time as a full time parent is over. I’ve been under the kind of stress that affects my body and health, mental and physical…just trying to keep up; and there’s really no reason for it when I know what to do.
So, last week I got my foot fetishist site up and running, and put up a few ads. I got a great response right away and enjoyed a few sessions….like getting on a bike; I felt back in my element.
I fucked things up over the weekend by wearing a pair of shoes I haven’t worn in years to my brother’s graduation (the one mentioned below), we’ll just call him the tattler. They were very comfortable and great for walking but still looking cute when I purchased them. Four blocks of walking in them this time and I knew I was in trouble…great big blisters, three of them, on each foot. So I have had to miss out on my ‘debut’ rush. Read on and you’ll see why that is pretty ironic (because of the event – or the person- I got the blisters for).
Yesterday I got an email from the foot fetish site requesting an appointment … from L. – my ex cuck. The one who decided after eight years that he just couldn’t live with my being an escort, a career choice he had suggested; and then proceeded to literally lose his mind, continually popping back into my life about quarterly.
My face isn’t on my site and I take it he didn’t know it was me. It was like a kick to the gut and the teeth and all the breath and blood was sucked from my body all at once. I didn’t date for two years after we broke up; and hardly left the house. It took so much out of me, the way things ended….my telling him I loved him leading to …that. I didn’t know what to do; and after a few hours and a second email I sent him as brief a message as possible
” L. it’s me MYName, please try someone else”.
I hoped he would go away. It’s been almost ten months since he last tried to pop back in and I had been hopeful he was out of my life. He kept emailing. I would have blocked him but he really is mentally ill and I want to know what he’s up to if he’s seeking me out…he doesn’t know where I live and I want to keep it that way. And I could have kept my mouth shut. Should have. But he said in one email:
“I wish you peace”
and then followed it with a litany of items meant to induce guilt and pity for him. And I didn’t stop myself and replied with a single line:
” I would have more of it if the man I fell in love with who rejected me because I was a sex worker wasn’t then coming to me as a sex worker for services.”
That worked. I haven’t heard back from him.
But sitting there in my daze, staring at my Thunderbird (like Outlook), I remembered I had to send my dad an email, and to distract myself, did so immediately.
Without switching from my foot-fetishist account to my vanilla email account.
Now, unfortunately my father knew about my escorting, and I never hid my work as a stripper. He learned about the escorting because a younger brother was planning on moving in with me for his first college years during the time I was an escort. I felt that I needed to tell him because he’d realize that I wasn’t at work for a specific 8 hours a day and was home a lot, and it would become obvious over time. So I did while he was visiting the college and staying with us for a visit. And he went home and told my father, and then expected to come and move in with me anyway. That didn’t happen. And this all had the effect of making it pretty much impossible for me to ever gain the respect of my family ever again. Even though I’ve spent the last 5+ years out of the business and working my ASS off to make it work for me in the vanilla world (mainly for them), most of them don’t care to know what I do anymore. My brother, while we were in New Mexico with my father at the hospital, told me “I don’t dare ask what you do anymore because I don’t want to know and everyone else does the same.” I was crushed when he said it, and so offended. I’d taught myself HTML, XHTML, CSS, PHP, MySQL, Linux, and so much more over ten years with no prior tech skills and built a small business from scratch, left a successful adult industry career, gone tens of thousands of dollars into debt and lived under loads more stress because of it … all so that I could have something I knew they’d be proud to hear about me doing. This, too, had a lot to do with my choice to go back to adult work.
So, I sucked it up and send dad another email from my vanilla account explaining what had happened, that I understood and respected his feelings on my adult work but that I wasn’t ashamed of anything I had or am doing, and wasn’t going to explain myself for the choices I’ve made.
In all it made for a pretty suck ass day. But great irony.
Someone’s in trouble now…
A certain disobedient sub has been begging to be locked into chastity for over a year now and then coming up with every excuse he can think of to avoid it when I bring it up. Being a surgeon, he has some good reasons, tough ones to overcome…MRI machines and whatnot. We’d thought about the disploseable locks, but I don’t trust him to keep them on hundreds of miles from my reach. I’ve had reservations about locking him up for all kinds of reasons; but my patience has run out and my sadistic streak has won over. When p. and I met his behavior wasn’t immediately obvious. I didn’t want to enter into such an arrangement without knowing him better. I also didn’t (don’t) think long term enforced chastity is healthy for an individual or a couple; and with our distance issues soon growing even wider, I advocated waiting until (if) we had a more reliable relationship.
Now I frankly don’t care. And I’ve spent several months tracking down a sturdy lock that should do the trick. A lab safety supply company I located offers a non-conductive, non-sparking, non-magnetic safety lock made specifically for locking up items in a hospital where a metal lock might interfere with equipment. We wouldn’t want p.’s patients sufffering just because he needs his weiner locked up. The entire lock body, hasp included, is polycarbonate. Only the tumblers are brass. It comes with a numbered safety key which cannot be removed while the hasp is open. The hasp is definitely too large for a CBT’s lock hole, so I still have that part to work out.
What really made my day when it arrived, however, were the included write-on stickers in English, French, and Spanish for each side of the lock : “Property Of:________” and “Danger. Locked Out. Do not Remove”.
I’m going to test it in some metal detectors by putting it in my purse and going through; but the sales lady assures me it is safe for use near MRI equipment. Now, I wait for the right time. When I plan to utilize my lock is going to be a surprise to p.; he knows it’s coming and knows that until then, he can back out with a simple word. After that, backing out will be much more difficult, thanks to my new little friend.
Sometime soon I’ll post more about where things are with p. and my plans for him; but not today. Suffice to say I’ve decided I deserve both p. AND sparky, and am enjoying keeping them both, each for their own special qualities. Obligations keep p. and I from being what we want to be to each other for now; but we are making slow progress. I am making some lifestyle changes that will help soon too. And in the meantime, sparky is a good companion and I should probably buy him a special lock of his own too.
Penis vs. Management
I’m working on a more serious post at the moment, but having to take a break due to work. In the meantime,someone sent me this little gem. Enjoy.
Penis asked for a Raise
I Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V Gina