More pics of travels
Not a lot to say today; just a long day at the CCU. My other brother made it to El Paso; he’s a new trucker and not an owner operator, so I had to drive down and pick him up after he dropped his load with another driver. So, we’re all here; and suddenly I’m back in my teenage years, with three kids to wrangle, instead of the one that is my own.
The elder one and I had a discussion last night about the influences on his masculinity by being reared primarily by strong women. It didn’t get quite as far as kink- my daughter is with us and had left for a few minutes- and came back before we went there. But it was interesting; I think he was looking for some acknowledgement from me that it was a good thing. And, he kept saying “We know our place”. I know, I taught you, I thought. But I didn’t say it.
Anyway, two pics of the foothills of the Davis Mountains, and if you look closely, you can see some of the Sierra Blanca range (I think- I can’t recall where I took these particular ones) in the background.
Snowflakes … different but the same
Mmmkay.
saratoga, it looks I got under your skin. Here. Here. And here. Oh. Not there. I guess you just went back and linked me.
I’d intended to come home and reply to your comments on the post below/finish my thoughts in that post tomorrow. But I can’t. And I won’t be able to focus enough on this to properly clear things up for some time.
My dad had a massive heart attack on Thanksgiving Day and is in critical condition in ICU for several more days. Not the gay stepdad. The father I haven’t spoken to in 9 years, for lots of good reasons. And he was an 8 hour drive from any family in New Mexico.
I’m on my way there now with one of my brothers and my daughter, and have gotten stuck in a snowstorm. I have some time to reply, but frankly, no focus. Not enough, at least, to not mire things further; for which I am sorry because I feel like I started something that I didn’t mean to – at all. Open mouth, insert foot. I’m pretty good at that.
saratoga, please accept my apology, and please extend it to XM as well. It was never my intent to cast aspersions upon you, your relationship, or your blog. I’m sorry that wasn’t clear. I haven’t read -but only scanned- all of the three posts you made in response to mine but I will and will respond in kind to clear up my opinions and address what you’ve said. But it will be a few days, at least. Please understand; I’ll respond as soon as I’m able to do so properly. I just don’t know when that will be.
I’d like to say that I like saratoga’s blog very much, and my comment about it being up to XM to deal with his tone as she wished was meant just as that- if she enjoys it, or if she doesn’t, it’s no problem of mine…it wasn’t a suggestion that she should or shouldn’t…I was saying it’s up to her. I was trying to make the point that if the people who feel that way and keep saying so really believe that, that they should realize it’s no one’s business but XM’s and saratoga’s what tone he takes, anywhere; and move along to another blog. There are millions of them, like snowflakes, all different; and yet all the same.
One last thing on this for now…
the definition that saratoga posted of community included this:
c: an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common location
Like, say, various kinds of kinky people interacting in the common location of the uh…interwebs? Or, trying in vain to weave a clever theme here, like snowflakes, all different and unique, up close… clinging together only by fractions and points; yet still quite the same from a few steps back?
When I said community, I just meant the very loosely connected group of people who all seem to cross blog paths over time. It wasn’t a ‘concept’. It was an easy way to say ‘these people I’ve been talking to for a year who I met all roughly in the same place at the same time with roughly similar interests’, without creating a run-on-sentence. We’re definitely too widely spread to be anything more than that, but we all know of and read- albeit sometimes intermittently- each other. In online terms, that’s a community, IMHO.
Sitting at the hotel, now at a standstill; I feel so heavy. I am so not ready for this. I wish I *could* focus on replying to saratoga, that would be a welcome escape. The snow has me feeling quite lonely- it’s something to share with someone who will hold your hand; and I have a long day to face tomorrow. Alone, really. I’m a decade older than my brothers, the eldest; this ultimately falls on my shoulders. And the rift between my father and I goes pretty deep. Of course I will simply swallow it, the hurt and anger. Crumple it in my hand and release it to float away on the wind like a snowflake. You can’t be mad at a snowflakes.
Rambling…
I started out to finish up the Sex workers/Scruples post. But…bleh. It’s been a long couple of weeks, stressful but not in a bad way. My mind isn’t into it. I went and caught up at Destiny and chance’s place….I’m always glad when I do, I find so much to relate to. And, watching a PBS show about Athens, they are discussing the social/political place of slaves. This reminds me of the voting debate; and I am wondering now about taking away societal freedoms. Chills…too deep to get into tonight.
chance was talking about being put in the closet soon. That made me think of my own desires for filling my closet/cage. I don’t know why that gets to me so much but it does, sends shivers down my spine. I like the idea of having a toy boy to ignore, just sitting in my closet waiting for me. It seems, and I know this must be twisted, sweet in a way.They are also thinking about going private and I am torn. I find myself self-editing a lot, for the same reasons. It becomes so easy to access your life after a while blogging, and when is too much detail dangerous, either for me or for someone else. I don’t worry so much about the people who end up on my site through strange search terms. The reason is because most search engines show some of the text of the result page along with the link. Sure, I might come up in a DIY coffee pod search; but if you read what google shows you about my page and still click it, you’re curious, and I’m not going to feel bad about it. Perhaps a title page is a good idea for them. This spurs me to finish a project that once complete might offer a good solution for people like Destiny and chance to have a blog that is part public, part private, and is hosted on an adult host which sends browsers age ratings, etc….I’ll probably keep quiet about it till it’s done.
Destiny was writing some in October about catching up at the community blogs. My opinions tend to fall the same way about some of the names mentioned. But this got me thinking also about just- perception, and how different it can be from person to person. Someone, way back when my first kerfluflfe in the community happened, and in trying to justify why Susan might have felt so threatened by what I’d said, warned me that saratoga had gone around at some time, commenting on some Domme’s or sub’s blogs, questioning the validity of their dominance or submission, and pointing out Susan as one of the people this had happened with. I tend to try not to judge anyone on other people’s experiences, but on the things I see, experience, and perceive myself. So I took it under consideration but decided not to ‘decide’ anything about saratoga without my own experience to go on; and didn’t have any as of yet. And I admit I was a little surprised when he started commenting here. I hadn’t really done much reading of his blog at the time so I started doing some catching up. And, while I saw a writing style that might not appeal to all, and someone who enjoys his blogging very much; I frankly didn’t see the terrible pomposity others had mentioned. Yes, there’s some. I figure it’s up to his Domina to deal with that as she wishes; she may appreciate it. But, I found many of his posts very insightful, and useful to me as a dominant woman, giving me another male submissive’s perspective to think about. Because I think there is room for all kinds of voices, and I want to hear them all…none of them existing diminishes mine. Submissives who are very matter of fact, and those who float freely in the middle ground; dominants who Capitalize and those who don’t…can’t we all just get along??? I wish we could tolerate each other more, and disagree more amicably and less personally.
Which made me think of something that I disagree with saratoga on and have been wanting to post about for some time. Anger. This isn’t the post that’s still rolling around in my head. But I do think he’s holding his Domina to too high a standard to expect her to never be angry, particularly at a behavior that he clearly knows causes her anger. Maybe I misuderstand saratoga, but this is what it seems he expects of XM. No one should act in anger, ever; but we’re human and we do. As a dominant, it’s an added responsibility of knowing when you’re too angry to act, and I doubt any dominant who’s moved into real territory hasn’t had to come to terms with that at some level. But, to expect, in a relationship, for anger to never exist, is foolish and denies the whole person for the image of a perfect Domme. Better to think about the source of anger, which is almost always fear; and try to address that. Or, to consider that anger has a cause, and it should be as incumbent on saratoga to seek to address the ways he causes his domina anger as he feels it is on her to never have any. Anyway, it’s not my purpose today to get too deeply into that.
I guess the reason I’ve thought of it more lately is because I’ve been managing my own anger over something you-know-who pulled a month ago, and trying to ensure I don’t act in anger but that I still deal with it in a way that is healthy for me and allows ME some release. It’s difficult, and unfair when your anger buttons have been pushed repeatedly, and on purpose, by a submissive who knows you can’t act on it. (btw…saratoga, I’m not saying that is what you did on that Friday..I’m on my own thing now). Oh, but I’m going to act on it. I told him I would, and gave him a way out which he hasn’t taken. And I keep my word. It may be as subtle and it may even be years from now. But I will get my message across.
Enough about that. I’m dreading the holiday and find myself wishing I could just stay home; but my family’s in Dallas, so there, I must go. Tomorrow- traffic is going to suck. And my car needs work. And there’s extra family coming this year. And I’m broke as hell. And I can’t smoke there. And everybody is vocally uber-Christian. Not feeling very thankful, except for the great friends I’ve made here in the last year. I guess that’s enough subjects to ramble on today, it looks like if I continue I might start complaining and I’m trying to avoid that. I may not be posting again until after the holiday, but I AM going to buckle down and finish that series article.
Oh yeah. I had a date yesterday. It went nicely, he was a perfect gentleman and we seem to be on the same page about BDSM and relationship matters. But, I couldn’t help but notice with disappointment and irony, the total lack of spark for me. My heart didn’t flutter once. Not even when he surprised me with a kiss, or blushed when I mentioned my slave closet, or asked if he enjoyed dancing. He asked me out for next week as we left lunch. I’m frustrated that the submissives I find who seem to mesh with me on the details, I’m just not finding great attraction with. He’s an attractive man, with a lot to offer; but I really have to have that sparkly, pitter-pat thing. I’m going with hopes that maybe I can find the spark anyway once we get past initial first date jitters. Updates to come.
Happy Thanksgiving, all.
Do vanillas look in people’s drawers?
So, my parents are coming in for the weekend, to see my new home. I love my family and I love having house guests. But this trip has me a little freaked out, and that’s mainly because my bedroom is the chief guest room. I’ve spent two days hiding, stashing, and re-purposing; they are going to be here in about half an hour, and I think I have managed to remove signs of all things kinky. I hope.
But I also hope that they don’t go poking around in my armoire, or closet, or under the bed (that cage folds completely flat, and has a handle- bonus!).
Anyway, little more to say and a lot more to do before they arrive. I probably won’t be posting again until next week some time.
Silly Sex-Work Stereotypes Series … Keeping You in Suspense (aka writers block)
All posts in this series will be linked here as they are published, as well as tagged and categorized together. This linked menu will also be provided within the series posts for future reference.
- Introduction
That would be this post that you’re reading now- Part I: The Calculus of Hourly Companionship
or, Why there are so few millionaire escorts.
Disclaimer: This is an editorial series about my own personal experiences as an escort many years ago and the stereotypes I find often incorrectly held by the general public about escorts and sex workers. In this context, I am using the term escort or sex worker to mean an hourly paid companion providing erotic entertainment; not a prostitute offering sexual services. The opinions and experiences here don’t represent anyone else’s. This is not an endorsement, nor a condemnation of becoming an escort, prostitute, or sex worker, or using such services; nor is it to be construed as advice to do so. Just CMA (covering my ass), you CYA (cover your ass) too.
When I sat down yesterday to write this episode of the Silly Sex Worker Stereotypes Series, I got a little stuck, creatively. I knew what I wanted to say but just couldn’t seem to get in the rhythm of writing. Since then, I’ve made no less than four attempts to write the article on scruples which I practically had composed in full the night before in my head. And, as you see, this little ditty you’re reading now is not it.
You see, I’m just not a writer of discipline. I’m one of those writers who sits down with usually only a very general idea of what I’m going to write until the moment it starts to flow from my hands, at which point I usually can’t type fast enough to catch it all. Because this is more of a personal diary for me than it is an informative place for others; a creative outlet rather than a calling card. Throughout my day, as I’m thinking about subjects, passages often form together and get filed away to be added to this flow of thought as I write; so that most of my posts are part pre-meditation and part sudden diarrhea of the virtual mouth.
But, in deciding to write a series, I had planned out a neato little outline, with bullet points describing roughly what each addition to the series would be about, and a plan to write one article per day until I’d exhausted the subject for now. Because that is how you do a series, isn’t it? But, it isn’t how I write. I write when the mood hits me, calling on those little mental paragraphs and building on them as I type; going back after I reach a conclusion to read through and check for errors, poor transitions, and do basic editing. I do sometimes write this way privately in notepad or something, and edit it days or weeks later to turn into a post, but generally I do it all right in my head and then write it for the first time in my blog, when I’m making the post. And, I do -or did- have some things written for this series already, on a hard drive that has proven to be unrecoverable after a big failure. So, without these pre-written ideas for articles, the result of the outline and the schedule was not to assist me at all but to actually completely break my creative blogging process. And the lesson learned is to either not call it a series unless I have at least three articles already written and ready to go (and know where they are), or something like that. And yes, to back up. I. KNOW.
So, here’s what’s happening with the Silly Sex-Work Stereotypes Series. I’m going to commit to one article a week, the subject to be unknown until the article is published. I foresee at least three more articles for weekly publishing, but at this point, I’m making no promises; I suspect I’ll add to this category/tag in the future after the series is over. I’ve had this creativity block going on for a while now; and I know if I feel pressure to keep up with what was supposed to be a fun outlet and diversion, it won’t help. I do have other subjects ruminating around in my head to write on as well; and it’s boring to focus on just one subject for a whole week. My statistics show me you’re interested- hits on Monday and Tuesday increased by about 30%; I guess ’sex work’ perks up anyone’s ear, so maybe you new readers will stick around in the interim days and comment or something.
And, an aside, this isn’t really relevant to the subject of the series, so I’m not linking it in the menu. Also, just a little, so that in a year when random people end up reading the series because they googled the word escort, I don’t look like such a lazy writer. But only a little.