Bad Date #476
Actually, I doubt it’s that many. I’m not that patient.
But, since becoming single again around three years ago, it sure seems like I’ve been on that many bad dates. There was the guy who knew my birthday was soon, and on our first (and only) date asked to take me out on said birthday; who pressed for details when I said I was busy…and cried when I was honest and told him I had a date, then spent 30 minutes telling me how awful and unfair I was to have made a date with someone else. Or the guy who told me he’d been on a year and a half long drug induced ‘walk’ and had only been ‘back’- housed, and gainfully employed, for a few weeks; then began sending angry emails when I told him I didn’t feel any chemistry. The guy who stole a large potted cactus as we left the bar inspired a website dedicated to bad dates. The one who shushed me to watch a kung-foo movie scene he had memorized and showed up for dinner in sandals with socks started the bad date stretch. Followed by a very promising gent who let it slip after dinner that he was holding his divorce papers hostage and hadn’t decided to sign them yet. The several who spent the majority of dinner on their cell phones were predictable. There have also several who have made ’submissive’ gestures such as addressing me as Mistress or kneeling spontaneously….in public on a first date. The one who left food on his face and said he’d ‘get it in a minute’ when I couldn’t stand it any longer and politely pointed it out to him…that was classy. Several who I had great first dates with, asked me out on second ones unprompted, and then never showed- professing later to have had such strong feelings that they ‘freaked out’. And then, several like the one I had this weekend; which really may be the worst of all.
I’m honest up front about my escort/stripper/etc. past with pretty much everyone unless it’s just inappropriate. My reasons are pretty simple. First, it informed so much of who I am today; and it’s difficult to hide that knowledge, much less gauge where my perspective is completely foreign to those not well versed in sex-work enough to do so. Second, being candid about it before meeting someone allows other people to make that decision (“do I want to date/befriend/hire an ex-escort”?) before getting involved…before either of us invest anything. Third, because for about a year I went about it a bit differently- waiting until about the third date to bring it up. Those were painful mental calculations to watch my dates make, in person; and it was equally painful to be on the receiving end of uncomfortable excuses and explanations of bowing out. So, I generally tell romantic interests about it up front, if not in my personal ad. And, as a result, deal with a high number of responses I don’t want; but also don’t have to face making those initial explanations over and over again.
This date and I had spoken online for several weeks. Although he knew about my history, it really didn’t come up in our varied and intelligent conversations; which included plenty of erotic exchange. This is something I look for, and I was thrilled to at least be meeting someone I could converse with on a level playing field both kink-wise and intellectually, regardless of how the in-person chemistry developed. So, what did happen when we met in person came as a real surprise, and disappointment.
I got my first whiff of it when we were discussing where to meet for a brief drink; both of us have had incongruent schedules and had whittled out a few hours after several previous tries. He suggested two places, both hotel bars downtown…kinda weird in a town full of great date places. One, a very high end historical hotel, whose bar I knew was a poor atmosphere for private conversations from experience. The other, I’d not been to, but thought it completely date-inappropriate; and when I asked why he liked those particular spots, his answer was that they were out of the way and he knew he’d run into few – if any- people he knew. Hrrm. I chose the one I hadn’t been to; and on my way had a small delay, so I called to let him know I’d be a few minutes late. He told me he lived close by, so just to call when I was on my way so he’d know when to leave, which I did. I arrived in a rush, found parking, and hot-footed it into the hotel; wheeling into the empty-save-the-bored-employees bar like a woman expecting to find someone waiting for her….and didn’t. I ordered a drink and found myself a seat; and called him again. When he arrived a few minutes later, he seemed distracted, greeted me with one of those hugs that says “Make it quick, I hope no one sees this”, and ordered a water. Then, set about asking me all kinds of questions…no niceties such as small talk or compliments. Questions only about my escort past. Did I ever do Domme work? And, did I have lots of Domme friends? And, have I ever been a pro-domme? Would that interest me? All interspersed between answering phone calls. The many subjects we’d touched on through email and chat- politics, the city, art, music- never arose. As it went on I was reminded of a conversation I had with a male friend after several dates that had gone this way, when he enlightened me by explaining that I had unwittingly made myself ‘The Woman You Want For Sex and Nothing Else” for the men I’d want a real relationship with by becoming an escort. Each question made me feel less and less like an attractive woman and more and more like some specimen under examination.
When I tactfully queried him about the line of the conversation, he began to explain to me how he felt that he’d like to explore submission but not within an actual relationship. Despite our several weeks of conversation about the fact that this is what I was interested in- a relationship, and no signal that he wasn’t- in fact quite the opposite. He further explained that he had no experience with BDSM but didn’t explain why he’d been so misleading about this until this point. He didn’t go so far as to say he was hoping to talk me into pro-domming him. I explained that I was happy to offer many fetish services under the right circumstances (i.e.- if I CHOOSE to, and put that offer out there before it is brought to me, as in …NOT by a date) but would not ever offer sexual services. I explicitly pointed out that I don’t want to accept pay for dominating, for personal reasons; and that I intended to remain ‘retired’. His interest clearly waned at this point, and he shortly announced he needed to leave, had other plans. Didn’t offer to pay for my drink. I excused myself, and the next day sent a quick thank you email that said I felt we’d both come to the date with different expectations and inviting him to discuss that with me when he felt like it. I got a reply saying he felt he’d need to bow out at this point, for reasons he’d like to keep personal. He didn’t really need to explain them, anyway. *sigh*
A Cage Fell in My Lap. Ouch.
The world works in funny ways sometimes.
My girlfriend, the one from the “Keep Knockin’”post, had an indoors house pet escape recently. Leaving her with an empty 5′x3′ collapsible cage in her way.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: “So hey, you keep complaining about that cage taking up so much room. Would you consider trading for my smaller collapsible cage and maybe some web design work?”
Her:”Uh, I thought when you brought Peanut back [a dog I considered adopting from her and took for a trial period], you said you didn’t think the cats would tolerate a dog, and you didn’t have time. What do you need it for?”
Me: “Um.” Blushing. “Errmm.” More blushing.
Her: “Oh GAWD. You’re going to put some man in it, aren’t you.Where are you going to put it?”
Me: “Yeah. Like an accessory. In my closet.” I am now emanating radiant heat from my cheeks.
Her: “Who? That one jackass?”
Me: “No.”
Her: “Why, he screw you over again?”
Me: “Yeah. Sort of. Is it technically screwing over if you expect it? Anyway, it’s not for him.”
Her: “Damn. I was hoping to get to come over and throw things at him through the bars. Like lit cigarettes or something. He deserves it. Isn’t that what you guys do?”
Me:”Ummm…”
This led to an interesting conversation which I hope was illuminating to my friend, and if further discussed here would only serve to turn on said jackass. I do believe that her interest has been piqued more than I realized by my girl talk about dominating men, and some of the misconceptions and stereopytpes are starting to fall away for her. But, that’s beside the point. Which is… now I have a man sized cage that folds flat neatly under my bed. But since I have a slave closet, is now in there, next to my shoes. And, even better, I have a date with a willing accessory this week; and visions of using those tiny clothespins to pin him to the bars. Hurrah!
A bitter pill from the W.H.O.
I’ve been doing some research for another kinky venture of mine, which I’ll share later. I came across a reference in an article on retifism (shoe fetishes) that -really- astounded me.
I knew/know that most medical organizations have considered sadomasochism and other kinky behaviors as deviant behavior throughout most of history and well into almost the end of the 20th century. Truly, it was only 1994 when the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders decided SM or sadomasochism, short of causing serious or permanently disabling injury, should be no crime (and no disease) between consenting adults. And since this decision, laws prohibiting sadomasochistic behavior have been undergoing challenge, and in some cases, have fallen away.
But I didn’t know that so many of the things we, and most average adults in a free society, all enjoy were considered to be ‘disorders’. But, according to the World Health Organization, International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, (2007), Chapter V, F65.0 Disorders of sexual preference, not only are sadism and masochism included in the litany of *Diseases*, but so is fetishism (of any sort, apparently), transvestitism, exhibitionism, and voyeurism:
F65
Disorders of sexual preference
Includes:
paraphilias
F65.0
Fetishism
Reliance on some non-living object as a stimulus for sexual arousal and sexual gratification. Many fetishes are extensions of the human body, such as articles of clothing or footwear. Other common examples are characterized by some particular texture such as rubber, plastic or leather. Fetish objects vary in their importance to the individual. In some cases they simply serve to enhance sexual excitement achieved in ordinary ways (e.g. having the partner wear a particular garment).
F65.1
Fetishistic transvestism
The wearing of clothes of the opposite sex principally to obtain sexual excitement and to create the appearance of a person of the opposite sex. Fetishistic transvestism is distinguished from transsexual transvestism by its clear association with sexual arousal and the strong desire to remove the clothing once orgasm occurs and sexual arousal declines. It can occur as an earlier phase in the development of transsexualism. Transvestic fetishism
F65.2
Exhibitionism
A recurrent or persistent tendency to expose the genitalia to strangers (usually of the opposite sex) or to people in public places, without inviting or intending closer contact. There is usually, but not invariably, sexual excitement at the time of the exposure and the act is commonly followed by masturbation.
F65.3
Voyeurism
A recurrent or persistent tendency to look at people engaging in sexual or intimate behaviour such as undressing. This is carried out without the observed people being aware, and usually leads to sexual excitement and masturbation.
F65.4
Paedophilia
A sexual preference for children, boys or girls or both, usually of prepubertal or early pubertal age.
F65.5
Sadomasochism
A preference for sexual activity which involves the infliction of pain or humiliation, or bondage. If the subject prefers to be the recipient of such stimulation this is called masochism; if the provider, sadism. Often an individual obtains sexual excitement from both sadistic and masochistic activities. MasochismSadism
F65.6
Multiple disorders of sexual preference
Sometimes more than one abnormal sexual preference occurs in one person and there is none of first rank. The most common combination is fetishism, transvestism and sadomasochism.
F65.8
Other disorders of sexual preference
A variety of other patterns of sexual preference and activity, including making obscene telephone calls, rubbing up against people for sexual stimulation in crowded public places, sexual activity with animals, and use of strangulation or anoxia for intensifying sexual excitement. FrotteurismNecrophilia
F65.9
Disorder of sexual preference, unspecified
Sexual deviation NOS
I honestly am dumbfounded. And incensed.
I’ll need to think on this one, in my new boots with as many sex toys and fetish objects as I can gather, I think…before I can manage an erudite commentary. Astounding.
Internal Ball Gag
That title ought to bring some interesting search engine viewership.
I’ve been getting back out of my shell lately and reading other blogs in our community. Which is great- we have so many great writers and important things being discussed so thoughtfully. Except, I’ve been doing it in part to distract myself. From a big mental ball gag. We all get them from time to time.
I have a hundred subjects bubbling to the surface of my thoughts, only to pop when they reach critical mass…leaving me unable to write them. Important things- to me; things I need to work though, and get down on virtual paper, to share or for myself. Subjects like rape and sexual abuse, community back channelling and self policing, misconceptions and truths about sex work, personal betrayal and how it feeds my kinks, patterns in my dating behavior, deeper delving into childhood dreams, exercising control instead of vengeance, how changing-and quickly- my sexual interests can be…so many more.
So, each new blog I go to, there they are. I can read about halfway through before my head is swimming and my eyes have glazed over as random phrases bound through and out of my head space before I can capture them. I read the half started essays, jotted down rants, the little that I have written and it’s – well…it all really has me in a mood.
So, the lighter fare may continue. It may come to my making more cut out dolls instead of typing text. I’m trying to just keep typing in hopes that it will free itself but it seems to be creeping into other areas of my life too. I have three web projects, and lately all I can do is just stare at the screen. It must be resolved before the holidays, which bring internal problems of their own.
If you have kids of a certain age, you’ve seen the Little Mermaid more times than we’ll share with the rest of the blissfully NOT under the sea. Remember that scene when she becomes a woman, where her legs are ripped out of her fins, her body fraying itself, as she is drawn inescapably, twisting, gasping, scratching for air, upward? That image has been hounding me as I try and process into rational thought how I’ve been feeling these last few months.
What’s that you say? Stress? No thanks. I have enough. Yes, I know that’s probably the source. Unfortunately, not all of mine is changeable. I have plans with a whipping boy in a few weeks and I’m sure that will help. In the meantime, icanhascheezburger is good laugh therapy (not linking them since they’re not kinky). And, today it is finally cold. Boot and tights season… yay! I might find inspiration yet.
Oh, right.. I forgot. How you got here in September 2007
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