Keep knockin…

A girlfriend (definitely dominant but not at all into BDSM) and I were recently discussing love lives. She was telling me about another decidedly unmarried friend who has landed a hot young – like 12 years younger- thing who insisted on putting a ring on her finger , and who dotes on her and treats her as a queen. My friend leaned in excitedly as if she had a tasty treat to share. “You know what she said the trick is? She said the guy’s gotta be knocking down your door..” she trailed off into a story about how this particular one did just that. I thought to myself … “Uh, yeah. Duhuhhh!”

I’ve been thinking a lot about it the last few days because I think it pinpoints one thing I’ve been looking for and not finding in a man, and something I need to develop some training methods for … an understanding of the art of pursuit. Dominant or not, I’m a woman and I want to be sought. Pursued. Wooed. I want my door knocked down and I’m pretty indifferent about anything else. Show me you want me…Me- not just anybody. Show me with your actions. Don’t just say it. And not just once. Be consistent, do something wild, make grand gestures, and especially make a fool of yourself. For me.

Funny thing is, I experienced more of this with my escorting clients than I ever have with a lover. I should add, a lover who didn’t start as a client, as I had a few of those. My first client (who did not know until years later that he was my first) took me on a three day vacation with him. He arrived to meet me at the airport with flowers, a bag of about ten different toys, jewelry he’d brought from overseas. We enjoyed each meal at a fine restaurant, he lauded me with compliments and petting. And he was justly rewarded for the surprise, which it completely was. As it was when I discovered that I was mistaken in thinking he must have been an aberration; and my clients continued to appear with gifts in hand, to send me precious poetry, record me CDs, send surprise gifts or flowers or cards- some to this day send me gift cards on my birthday, and treat me most chivalrously in person. Needless to say, dating, ever since, has been a bit lackluster.

Anyway. I was out tonight and when I got a chance to check my phone, guess who had called twice. I haven’t listened to the messages or signed into the account he uses to communicate with me. I won’t say it didn’t make my heart skip, or that I haven’t savored it. I haven’t heard from him since last month when he called to say he missed and needed me and to admit what he’d done. We chatted for all of two or three minutes after our initial conversation and then he was back to old tricks; I asked a question and got no response for five minutes, so I told him that was my limit and signed off. Two weeks later/ago I still hadn’t heard a word from him, and emailed him to tell him that it was time for me to wish him well. No response.

My response (and I imagine it still will be once I listen to my voicemails)?

Keep knockin’ …

(…..that chastity article keeps growing into a bigger and bigger monster each time I work on it. This,I could finish tonight)

An update, what happened in July, some kvetching.

This isn’t anything earthshattering, just a little update.

Some of you keep up with me via my yahoo email account listed on the contact page; and I always enjoy our conversations. BUT, much like this blog, since July, I’ve been neglecting checking in…I did so for the first time tonight in almost two months. And I’m glad I did- I was feeling pretty down, and just a couple of you had been nice enough to send me messages saying you missed me and my blog. Thank you, each and every one of you…I needed to hear that. I missed you guys too.

Everyone knows something happened in July that led to my taking a break from here, and I’ve been promising to share what; but I’m just not sure allthe details are all that important for everyone to know. Succinctly put, I decided to put an end to the mixed signals p2/the younger sub I was seeing was sending me and give him one opportunity to show me he meant all he’d said in the prior 6 months. And I got my answers.

Less succinctly- I had over a week without a kid and decided to surprise my sub with a visit, hoping it would last several days; but knowing that I would take the opportunity to make this boy stop his game playing with me, even if all I got out of it was one night. I arrived and we were entangled in each others arms before the door was shut, and spent half an hour like it was out of a movie, kissing and touching each other passionately in the hallway of his apartment; and it was amazing and powerful and like it was meant to be. He’s a surgeon, and got a call; which he lied to say was a call to come in to work right away- and I knew it was a lie. He had an on call day the following day, and asked me to stay in town(he’s in Dallas) until he was off, that he wanted to continue. Like a dolt, I did. And 24 hours later, when I hadn’t heard from him and drove by his place and saw his car at home, found myself knocking on a door until it was clear he wasn’t answering. A few hundred dollars and a lot of pride lighter, I drove home, having wasted three days and the spending money I had for the first ten child-free days I’ve had in two years. Feeling very foolish and disillusioned. When he showed back up last month to proclaim his need for me, he admitted the phone call was a girlfriend- vanilla- of several months; and claimed to have broken up. And no, there hasn’t been any ‘more’ in his apology attempts; and NO, I wouldn’t take them anyway. But there, that, in a nutshell, is what happened.

Since then I’ve talked with several people, been on a couple of dates with no connection, made seemingly great connections with a few men online who promptly disappeared from the face of the earth. A few weeks ago I met a wonderful gentleman online locally. He’s also much younger than most men I date- 28. We chatted until 5 am one night- an easy, free flowing conversation about all kinds of things, a refreshing change that I’d been missing. We shared similar views on D/s relationships, he was intelligent and engaging, and it was all around wonderful- ending with him saying he was going to bed with my picture in his mind. (adorable). The next week I tried making contact with him once a day, when I saw him online or just through an email; and kept getting no response, then I’d sign off and he’d send a quick ’sorry I missed you’ message. It seemed like I was suddenly talking to someone totally different. I finally made actual contact one night last week for a chat, and it seemed a bit tense at first. When it started to loosen up, it was also getting late, so I made gestures to end the conversation and asked him if he’d like to meet over the weekend for something low key- coffee or lunch, or a walk or something. First he said he’d love to, and then a minute later, that he’d have to check his schedule and get back with me. Ruffled, I told him ‘why don’t you do that, and we’ll see if I’m still free when you get back to me’. He told me he always moved cautiosly in the beginning of a relationship and I told him that I completely understood, but to be careful that he wasn’t appearing rude instead of cautious. The conversation ended shortly thereafter, and I haven’t heard from him since. Of course.
I guess my point is that I am just weary and tired of all the false starts; and very very lonely— not desperate — lonely- after so many all in a row. Disillusioned and a little disgusted, too- with myself and the world. And, feeling the blows to my confidence and trust in people; recognizing the damage that is doing to my ability to present myself in the best possible light. Trying to mend my hurts healthily, without leaving a chip on my shoulder, and acknowledging my responsibility in them. All reasons behind my not being around much lately and not having much interesting to say. Just so those of you who chat with me know, it has nothing to do with you.

I am working on several articles in the background- the improvements to my quilt rack roo-roo suggested and some DIY sex toy fun, my thoughts on chastity, misconceptions about sex workers, a few stories….but in my current mindset I’ve not made much progress. Having re-read my blog from beginning to end recently, I realize that I only come to write here anymore when I’m angry or down. That’s not good. I’m actually a lot happier person than a read of this blog would imply. Just, one with few outlets. So, I’m working on it. Chances are, though, until after the holidays, I’m swamped with marching season and yard work, which take priority to blogging about my kink disappointments. Just know, I’m still around, and it really keeps my spirits up to hear from you. Thanks for the messages.

Aahh. Much better…

New theme. No, not mine- I’m losing interest in design work lately. Free themes are fine by me.

Yeah, it needs work.

So, instead of working on that tedious to do pile, or the blog post that really is to much for my brain this morning, I’ve been procrastinating by playing with the site. I thought this cute diagram a fan made me would look good as the header. Not so much. And now, I really do have to get to work, and things look pretty gross around here.

So- YES..I know it needs work. Later today.

How you got here in August 2007

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