A geek’s work is never done
After making my post today I went to check stats for the first time in almost a month, and found I’d been hacked a few days ago. Not too well, mind you…I don’t think any of you saw the attempted defacement but it was there nonetheless.
Hear me now, my little hacker kiddie…you will not enjoy what you’ve earned yourself for ruining my last child-free day of vacation. I have mean things and I like to use them.
So, I’ve been fixing that and making all the requisite reportings, and so on, and in looking at stats again see a lot of you checking trackbacks from quite a while ago. Did my wordpress send them out again- and if so, could you drop me a note so I know? Sorry.
I’ll be out of town most of the rest of this week, just FYI.
M&M types
Last week I was enjoying the company of a long time good friend, one time client, who has become somewhat of both a benefactor and a mentor over the years. We scratch each other’s backs when it’s needed; and he’s known me since my fist months as an escort, through my cuckolding relationship, and other romantic dramas. He is *very* vanilla; and while he knows OF this side of me, he neither understands it nor wishes to. Which is ironic, because he is so very submissive and has done so much for me over the years that would easily surpass anything the subs I’ve mingled with have in the way of service and worship. From gifts to manual labor, if I just ask, it’s mine; he hears all about my love life, and we always do what I want. I get all the oral sex I want, and if he comes to visit and I don’t want sex, it’s fine with him, he just spoils me instead- or leaves me alone if I wish. Details of his personal life, too, would read like most subs chastity blogs. He’s just not a masochist, and like so many with only popular cultural exposure to BDSM, doesn’t understand the difference between masochism and submission, or that they can exist separately, as can dominance and sadism.
Anyway- in the midst of our play I had temporarily lost control of my senses and dug my nails deep into his arm, drawing blood unknowingly. When I saw the mark a few minutes later, and apologized, he said
“Yeah, you know I’m not one of those M&M’s”
and we both laughed at how bad a joke that was. I thought about explaining to him that indeed, he was ‘one of those’ – just not an ‘m’ type….but why ruin a good thing?
Maybe he just coined a new term for vanilla men with no apparent interest in kink, but whom are submissive in their relations with women. And, while my M&M is a really nice thing to have…this visit just left me realizing that this door to my dominant side, now open, will not be easily shut, and M&M’s don’t work well as pervertables, and are just not going to satisfy any more.
Help! Carpel Tunnel technical trouble…
Ok, so last night I finally got my hands on an ass I wanted to smack, hard, and for a long time. And got started with a little warm up while he was at my feet, me standing in front- leaning over to spank his bare ass while he kissed my feet. First one, light, no problems. Second, a little harder, and a little tingly twinge which I ignored. Third, harder, and I had the most unbelievable pain shoot up my arm and make my thumb and forefinger tingle and had to stop. The moment was pretty heated and I didn’t want to stop the flow, moved him towards the bed and to a different task without saying anything about my wrist, thinking that in a moment or two I’d have him bring me the paddle and move to the bed and maybe a change of position would help. Unfortunately we were interrupted and I didn’t get to test the theory; and have plans to better manage the environment next time, which will hopefully be soon- like tomorrow.
But today, still, my right hand- wrist and thumb- are twingey and tight. It was just three fairly light spankings. Nothing strenuous. No weird arm position- a bit akward, but not really for simple spanking. I have had CT problems in the past, but only after say- moving all of my own furniture with only a teenager’s help or a really long masturbating streak. ( 
)
This seems just silly; but I am honestly worried that even with a paddle I may not be able to produce the effort I want. A crop or quirt would possibly be even worse, the precision requiring more wrist action than force. If typing is giving me slight pain, spanking really may be out of the question. I am simply useless with my left hand; and I can’t imagine that a hand spanking will be anywhere near as satisfying strapped into a wrist brace- not to mention probably not safe for either of us since it would keep me from feeling the force I was using. I need that smacky feel and sound. And, this particular bottom needs more punishment than I’ve doled out in a very long time; I will not be satisfied until his ass bears marks for several days, and I doubt he will be either.
So….help! Any advice?
I plan to -at some future point, because I have too many other pots on the fire right now- look for resources and info from others on the subject. I do know that Mistress 160 mentioned somewhere that Midori covers some techniques for working with carpel tunnel in either a book or at a seminar; but I don’t have the time to go find that book between now and tomorrow. I’ve already taken a naproxen and put on my brace….what would be very useful would be in-scene advice for making full use of my hand without inflaming it further, or good ways to achieve similar sensations and results to heavy spanking without that sort of strain on the wrist. Or, just commiseration from fellow sufferers wanting to smack away…
Compartmentalization
Someone asked me a while back what kept me from jumping into BDSM in my personal life for so long. I didn’t have an immediate, easy answer; and it’s a question that’s been rolling around in my mind since. Sure I knew some of the reasons, but I couldn’t boil it down to something simple and concise.
I think what it comes down to is the compartmentalization; the separation from the rest of the world, the adopted personas, the heavy labeling. The ‘either/or’, ‘black/white’, penetratee/penetrator nature, apparent flatness of the idea of ‘Dom/me’ or ’sub’; and the lack of obvious connect between those people and day to day living. I didn’t see or hear of examples of the tenderness , or fun, that can and is often shared in BDSM relationships; only the punishment, adulation for wickedness and bragadocio of abuses. I’d hear from people who had a regular ‘vanilla’ relationship, and then also have a Mistress, whom they viewed only as that two dimensional vinyl clad demander, thinking nothing of her emotions, or girlish side, knowing nothing of what interested her beyond how hard she could hit him or how far into humiliation and sub space she could take him.
And for me, the mean, selfish, punishing, pain loving side of myself only enjoys all of those things in the context of contrasting it with trust, caring, loving one another- being appreciated for my delicate and sensitive nature, contrasted with my ability to manipulate and my crafty evilness. I have to be able to laugh and cuddle first, become comfortable with the person I choose to share myself before I feel safe, or reason for, toying with the darker side of love. To just torture someone I don’t know or care about means nothing to me, sexually or otherwise; other than I am just being a torturer, not a Domme. Just about any man will kneel and allow me to tie him up or smack him a bit if he thinks he’ll get an orgasm out of it. To consider myself superior to ALL men by default, is just pompous and defies any real logic. But to delicately use what I know about the person I love to manipulate and control them- hurting when necessary; to have a man who knows who I am place himself in my hands anyway, to be given the gift of taking out my inner struggles on a body and mind that knows just how dark those struggles are … that means something. And a compartmentalized relationship doesn’t allow for that kind of exchange. Enslavement without friendship, relationship, give and return, intimacy, good and bad, tender and mean, delicious and torturous…doesn’t offer me the fulfillment I need. It feels fake and leaves me feeling like I’ve worked a tiring escort session with no pay and gotten a bad review I didn’t deserve.
While I a beginning to better understand why people compartmentalize with BDSM more so than other kinks, I still find that, in my journey, I’m seeking to integrate all of my pre-compartmentalized parts into one powerful sum. And I want to be loved and appreciated for all of those parts by my partners, not just for one or two of them. Isn’t that what we all want, anyway? People keep telling me it’s important to not get your feelings involved in BDSM relationships, and I understand the reasoning behind these warnings; but I’m not so sure I understand the point of BDSM relationships that don’t involve emotions. I think that is because I’ve never really identified as a sadist before; as it’s not really the act of inflicting pain (mental or physical) that turns me on, but what happens when I do. I like to be in control; and I particularly like to be in control of a man’s sexuality…I have no problem using pain as a tool to achieve what I want, but it’s not really the pain so much as the control and result that I kink on.
One effect of my sex work history, as well as some childhood experiences not uncommon to sex workers, is that I have indeed compartmentalized. In fact this mindset was ultimately some of the logic behind my decision to escort. I reached a point where I felt that my experiences dating and as a stripper had shown me that in general men really only looked to me to fulfill their sexual and self esteem needs and never approached me just as a person with those same needs, but just a collection of bumps and holes to be conquered- a fuck bot of one flavor or another. Some were better at being smooth about it, but in the end, that’s all I felt like I was to men. I decided that since was the case, I may as well get some benefit other than sex from it…since my original price (their hearts) didn’t seem to be a fee worth paying, their wallets would do. And if it kept my current man interested, all the better. It was a self fulfilling insight and plan of action. And in a way, the conscious decision to move from being a simply dominant person to a Domme is, for me, a means of repairing that mindset. It’s not the only reason, to be sure. But it’s a big one. If I can get a man to submit to things he really and truly does not want to do, then perhaps he is there for more than just the chance he’ll get into my pants. Probably not, but if I just keep hitting him….
Make My Own Penis…Hmmm
Ok. Allow me to begin by saying that (a) I love anal play with men and (b) I hate anal play with men. 
See, I love the power and various results of penetrating my lover anally, I like it all- when it’s tender and sweet, kinky and playful, steamy and sensual, rough and invasive, and all in-between. But I really do hate that there is no real physical return for me in the act, and that (as has been pointed out in various places) the hidden message to strap on sex is that you must have a penis to have power- that as a physical act, it is still all focused on the man and the penis. Innie or outtie; poke-ee or poker. Heck, as a mental act too. It’s about a male’s idea of power, pleasure, and importance. Penetration.
So, more often when dating submissive men obviously, but in general, with all men, I usually do engage in anal play of various levels with lovers. But I try and avoid doing so until we’ve been together long enough that they might learn to focus on and understand my own sexual needs first, and that it doesn’t take penetrating their ass to have power over them. Although, this is really aside from the point of my post today; or, AN aside TO the post today.
I was talking with an old friend about various toys this weekend; and we were past talking about how strap-ons don’t ever fit just right, and were on to clit toys. She asked if I had tried suction toys, and yes, I had; we laughed together over it and had a good blush or two. Even though my clit gets plenty of attention, I hadn’t done this in some time and came home with a few ideas for my wish list; so set out looking for good links. And, am currently still looking for the right strap on harness, so of course I kept my eye out for those too, and had that in the back of my mind. I found some various clit suction resources and found a great story of a woman vacuum pumping her clit into a 3 inch cylinder, wrapping it in gauze and covering it in a condom, and using it as an anal penetrator on her girlfriend. She stated that the sensation for herself was mindblowing, and I can imagine it was. I don’t know why this hadn’t occurred to me before! Think about if you put a vibrating bullet or anal beads in first…wheee!
Of course, I think I’d need some working up to that size; and this might not be an attractive option to all women…some would be entirely too sensitive. However, being the kinky pervert that I am, I’ve been masturbating my clit with heavy duty vibrating objects since, well- too young to mention here; and I love suction play. Most men don’t need much more than 3 or 4 inches of penetration to send them soaring; and I would also bet that many of the ‘penis extender’ toys would be adaptable to a suction cylinder for those who do. I’m also sure I’m not the first person to think of this…but I hadn’t seen it mentioned anywhere obvious. I’ve been hesitant in times of a tight budget to purchase a strap on, not wanting to buy cheap and not sure I wanted to invest so much right now in a toy that doesn’t focus on me. (I had a great one but lost it with a bunch of toys and custom lingerie while traveling a few years ago, since then my lovers have come with their own, have been happy with the toys I have, or been made to purchase them if not.) Now, I think I may have found a compromise!
I’m curious if anyone else out there has tried transforming a clit into a small dildo, or being fucked with one, and what the experience was like for both parties. I’ll definitely be doing some field research of my own, and yes- reports and reviews will be forthcoming….