technological desert instead of a real one
Well. I guess when making demands one should be specific. I’ve spent the last few days in a desert, alright; but a technological one, not a beautiful real one.
After making my post last week, my power cord on my laptop died- on a holiday weekend- ordering a new one would take until today. I went to resurrect a desktop that’s been sitting idle for a few years…no luck. Power supply fried. Remove that hard drive and put it in another machine, switch it to the master drive, discover why I’d left it for so long. A bad windows update file had it on an unstoppable reboot loop; and I’d forgotten my admin password. Since I wanted to keep the data, best not to try any sneaky tricks to recover it. And not enough room for a new partition. Move over to the other drive in that box, a linux machine. Tried to install windows in another partition, and the install hung again and again. Finally, found another boot cd, tried again with success…and the product key I have isn’t for this copy…can’t find another key. Finally, I found a local store with a used cord for my laptop, and 4 days later I am back to civilization. Oh yes; and Saturrday morning I awoke to a big leak in my kitchen from the roof. And I live on the bottom floor. So, there’s been much to keep me busy and not thinking about how I am still feeling, just nothing pleasantly distracting- instead all rather unpleasant.
I haven’t thought about too much else. Someone asked why all the histirionics last week. Nice. It will never sufficiently make sense outside of my head I am sure. Simply, I’m very hurt and very angry. Can’t talk about it much beyond that for now. I’m sure I’ll write about it later. Thanks for all the well wishes and thoughts…keep it up even if I’m a bit quiet, kay? It helps and I appreciate it.
When I hurt so much I must clean.
I’ve had my trust really used today, so badly that I cannot allow myself to sit still enough to think about it even a little. Now that my house is spotless in a matter of two hours, there is not enough here to keep me moving fast enough. I want to disappear into the desert and spend about five days straight hitting some man with things. And then yell for about a day, and then just walk until I don’t have to any more. That might be a long long walk. Willing victims should click that contact link up top. NOW.
This is something I wrote months ago, about a different situation. But, it still speaks to how I feel.
Imagine the delicate dance of Domme and sub learning each other as a literal tightrope walk….just for mental exercise.
The Domme steps onto the high wire, She traipses across like a gazelle and back again, and stands just near the safety of solid ground. In heels. Looking powerful and stunning, alluring Her partner to join.
One elegant, perfectly manicured, perfectly steady finger becons;
the sub is in awe.
It looks easy.
On all fours, tethered in his bondage to the tightrope, the sub hands his Mistress the lead of his collar.
She is now in control of his progress; but does he realize he is now in total control of Her balance?
Inching, stepping carefully, backwards, and crouched to look into his eyes with reassurance; only the steady tension of his lead will keep Her from teetering as The balances and leads them both. It’s up to them B/both to maintain the right tension, but who is in more trouble if it’s lost?Alone, She is steady, in control of all factors, knowing what comes next, without worry of what a partner might inadvertently do. Even in heels, doing Her best to be both in control and enticing, She can fairly easily accomplish what She wants on the high wire when She has only Herself to look after.
Once another body is brought onto the wire, Her every move is reliant upon that other’s and she is responsible for them both. While he, crawling, may falter and even have to hang on for dear life; Her hands are not free to do so should She fall, his lead is in them instead. A short slack, a quick tug, unhooking and backing away…any of these will send Her toppling.To what?
Depends, you know.
I will try not to disappear from here for a while but forgive me if I do. I’ll be checking comments and emails periodically unless I DO head to the desert. Do you think the rangers would hassle me for beating on a boulder and yelling at passing men like a banshee for a few days?
Fear Factor
Something I’m experiencing- a LOT- with the subs who have shown interest in me whom I’ve taken simple initial steps to know, seems to be an unsolveable connundrum. Actually, two.
First, I’m finding that subs are contacting me coming on very strong in the “I’d like you to do THIS to me” department. Which is fine; I know men are prone to extreme fantasies, particularly when a strong need goes unmet. The problem arises when these men can’t differentiate for themselves which fantasies are just too far to really undertake for them- for real, and spend months leading you (me) into the beginnings of a relationship BASED on those fantasies and desires. Often, misrepresenting their level of experience; and probably never intending to follow through from the beginning. Sometimes an actual connection takes place, so they carry it further than they might have planned until it comes down to brass tacks and time to meet, or do something related to the extreme fantasy they used to connect with you. And then they freak out and disappear without so much as a word. It’s not just the pig I talked about yesterday. In fact, it’s happened with every submissive I’ve tried to get involved with. Sometimes before fantasies are even discussed; often standing me up for a date. And eventually, often months or sometimes years later, they return to tell me they were just scared, found me so overwhelming and powerful…and I am left dumbfounded because having someone just skip out on me with no explanation really doesn’t leave me feeling all that powerful.  And generally, I try to avoid going into extreme desires up front in a potential relationship; so most of the time it’s the gentlemen who have instigated not only the fantasy but a flurry of intense exchanges and pushing me to move faster, farther. I resist, and if over time they allow me a bit of trust, I often take what they’ve said they want and run with it….a bit scared to cross a line but confident that this is what they want. And then, suddenly they don’t. It’s …. hard. Having been out of a relationship so long- which ended with the use of my dominance as a scapegoat for our difficulties, and newish to exploring this as a personal (not for pay) journey, it really shuts me down and makes trying to feel confident in what I am doing (much less just- confident) very difficult indeed.
The other – sort of related- problem is …how do I put this succinctly? I can’t begin to count the number of single subs with personal ads looking for cruel, thoughtless, selfish, bitches that specifically state if you have a nice quality to your personality at all don’t bother, you aren’t Domme enough. And, you know, all of those are great qualities to explore in a D/s relationship- it’s part of the attraction to me- but… I’m more multifaceted than that. It seems empathy and a happy demeanor are NOT often on the wish list of single, looking male submissives. And it also seems accepted knowledge that if you are a generally nice person and don’t choose to stomp around looking angry and calling all men in sight ‘bitch’ all the time….that you aren’t domme at all. I wonder who these men think they are looking for. Fembots that don’t exist beyond the role they play. And you know- I have NO problem with the mean, total bitch domme stereotype. I know they are out there and hooray for them and their subs. But I just never thought of submission as becoming a doormat; I think it’s beautiful- and in order to really get to know someone so I can trust them enough to be a total bitch without having it turned against me, I have to start out as my boring nice self. I can’t imagine wanting to be with someone in a relationship- a real one- and thinking that they’d never laugh with you, or consider your feelings, or just like to be fun and silly or sweet and tender every now and then was a good thing; even IF eventually you both want her to have total control and use you like a toy. We aren’t singularly dimensional… dominant women. Any women. And thinking that we should be really is objectification on a level that just blows me away.
What brings this about is that the pig who’s been playing games with me …. both of these issues (in large part- but not completely- in large part he is just an ass) are a problem for him. And I think he sees a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel, but isn’t sure what it is. (I have more to write on that situation, but it will have to wait for this weekend.) But he’s not the only one. I’d posted an ad for a cuckold about half a year ago, emphasizing clean up duties as a requirement; and had many enthusiastic responses. I pursued one. After about six weeks of just talking he was given his first assignment- a photo of cum on his lips. And it came to deadline day- he called and chatted with me- acting so excited. He had pushed the deadline and so was left to manage his task without my participation; and the appointed hour came and went. I called, several times- no answer. Spent a few days trying to communicate – using a firm tone, being understanding, shaming him, every approach I could think of- all to no avail. Two months later, having finally gotten over it and involved with another interest, I receive a passionate email explaining how he actually wasn’t sub at all, but was just to ME, and had gotten squicked, but then couldn’t get me off his mind, and knew he needed me to do all that we had talked about to him. Recently, six months after meeting, he sort of completed his task. Sort of. And you know what? Had he been honest about it being a new and scary exploration for him I’d have never asked for it and we could have approached it much more gently and gradually- or perhaps not at all.
I just wish that- when getting overwhelmed with fear that they’ve gone too far- or when approaching a (dominant) woman to explore something that may not ever materialize…that you guys would just give us some credit and be …simply….honest. Say “Can we explore something that is a bit extreme for me and might not happen for real?”, or “I’m sorry, I need more time” or ” I need a few days to think on my own” or just “I’m not interested anymore”. I mean really. If a woman says she’s looking for an LTR based on consentual slavery, or cuckoldry…and you’re not sure but just curious…just SAY so. Don’t pretend you really plan to try and enter that LTR just to talk with her about your cuckold fantasies that you know you can never follow through on. Most of us are fine talking about fantasies that may never happen, and appreciate why that is so. We just don’t like being mislead. It’s rude, hurtful, and using someone else’s kink and feelings to satisfy a whim. I can’t imagine anything more disrespectful. Well, ok, so I can. But you know what I mean.
of bitches and bootstraps
Soooo.
I haven’t had a lot to post because my BDSM life has been mainly about struggle and uh- I guess you could call it fighting over what has developed to be a ridiculous situation with the younger sub I am ’seeing’. I have hesitated to write much about it because, in the midst of it all, I don’t want to further confuse things by writing about my side of it publicly – in the moment.
I think the best way to explain what has been going on is to borrow from Bitchy and use representational conversation. This is not verbatim of course; but an overall representation of our chat conversations over a few months.
Me: Hi you, how are you today? I want to talk about what I am thinking and feeling, then, you’ll go.
him: hi Mistress. Need owning.
Me: Yes, pet, I know. But…talk to me. Like a person.
him: ok, tired, working a lot, need a spanking.
Me: Right. But, we haven’t even met yet and I want to get to know you.
him: signs off
(next day)
him: Mistress, i’m sorry. i’ve been a jackass and I know it. i need you, i know where i belong.
Me: And you understand that I want this to stop? And what I want to happen instead?
him: the whole package, i want it too. it will stop, please own me. come take your bitch. i need you
Me: you know I can’t. I came last week and you disappeared the day before I came. (for readers, his job won’t allow travel). I’m tired of going over how frustrating this is, so let’s talk about how I’ll take you instead
him: your bitch.
(a little cyber sex, with him suddenly quite verbose, proceeds to a climax)
Me: How about now. Talkie?
him: a little. i’ll open up a bit, but i don’t want to really
Me: Aww, c’mon.
him: silence
Me: hello?
him: here’s a little nugget and a question. see?
Me: Here’s an answer that isn’t standard and two questions back.
him: signs off.
Me: 
So, this has sort of become our standard dance, over the last few months. Foolish, I know. There HAS been more interaction than that, phone calls and several multi hour conversations….don’t think me a total idiot- this has developed into real feelings over more than just some bad chats. I’ve made now four trips to his town (I have family there) and corresponding plans to meet while there for other plans. Various things have happened and we haven’t. This last time I doubt he would have shown anyway but last minute I just canceled the plans since he’d not been in contact as I asked. Then, last weekend I had a day free, he contacted me for his ritual apology, and I told him if he meant what he said he’d cover my gas, and I’d be there in a few hours. At first he was all go, then it came to his address. After about ten minutes of back and forth, he signed off, and I’ve not heard from him since. But I will. I don’t know what I’ll decide then, but I am SOOO done with the games. I am too old for that shit.
It’s hard, and disheartening, frustrating, and I’ve spent much of this time feeling foolish and very hurt. I felt like, in the months since we met, I’ve put myself far out on a limb for him; and it’s not only not been reciprocated, but pulled from beneath me several times. Not helpful. I am all or nothing, and if I feel something for someone I feel it as strong as it can be felt. Can’t turn that off, no matter how I try. So this has been a difficult rollercoaster for me. And why am I still with it? I wish I could say. I feel something very strong for this man who has lived up to nothing he has said, done nothing I have asked of him, and appears to be just a big game player. I don’t know why. I wish I didn’t. At this point I am just trying to reach some level of either ending things or moving forward with him- get him to just say “I’m not interested, I’m done” or tell me WTF is going on with him; but he has to be talking to me for that to happen. And we’ve gone far enough, said important enough things to each other that I really require his doing one of those things. Of course, I wouldn’t also turn down the chance to meet out my frustrations on his as at least once, even if I never wanted to see him again. But, like I said, he has to be responding to me for that to happen. So, for now, I am still (…wait for it…) left hanging. Yeah. Not where I want to be.
My other interest, much further away, is finally seeming better from his serious bout with illness. But here I have been, wasting my time with some one less attentive and clearly struggling; and he’s also been busy- we’ve just not connected in a while, so it’s like being back on the starting line. The distance is a real issue but I’m hoping once we start talking more that it can be worked out. We share so many interests; and I’m really looking forward to a time when we can get to spend time together in the same city, I know we’ll spend hours talking and never run out of things to do together. I miss that. Definitely time to redirect my efforts, and has been for a while. Perhaps now that it’s summer I can travel a bit more, and the further distance to this one.
So, that’s the deal. I am also just Busy. Like you would not believe. End of school, several crucial work projects, blah blah blah. And, no slave to help out with it all…. 
After this week I’ll be catching back up at forums and blogs and so on. I’ve been really down, and low on fun, creativity, and energy lately…..
time to bootstrap up and stop moping. Give me a few days and I should be back to my normal effusive self and out of this hole I got myself into.
Cheers.
Gawd I forget how creepy people are!
Okay, eeeeeeeeeew!
Someone just pointed out to me that my post below and the accompanying photo might attract pedophiles or at least look like that’s my aim.
Let me assure you all that it wasn’t my goal to flaunt my 2 year old naked-save-the-boots body for any prurient reason at all. I thought it was cute. And telling. It never once occurred to me it’d be taken any other way.
And now I’m off to make little black bars to cover the naughty bits. And then scrub my own skin off.
Geez.