I have definitely crossed some sort of threshhold.
So, I’m in the northeast on a vacation. And yes, still, to visit p.- which is going as usual on his end, and very differently on mine. It’s the last time, and he’s going to regret it. And you all will get to read all about it, very soon. There may even be pictures or a video.
Anyhoo. While here biding my time, and visiting with friends whose schedules became unexpectedly overqhelmed, I decided to place a Craigslist ad for some entertaining dates. It’s always a fun excercise- responses leave plenty of psychological flotsam to ponder. My ad just said I was looking for a nice simple date, no expectations beyond good conversation. And for some smoke; I don’t drink really- nor do I enjoy how it makes me feel during or after, so I come by my chemical relaxation differently.
My evening plans ended up being made with an attorney much older than me and very different from the younger men who replied. Mainly because he had the goods and didn’t fuck around with asking me to make plans and letting me know he understood what I’d been looking for right off, while everyone else was still working their one liner emails. Plus I spent about ten years dating much older men and they’re generally putty in my hands, he had easy going plans for the night, and I knew I was going to have a long day, and I’m not really a crowded bar type.
Before meeting we spoke ont he phone a few times and I should have seen the night’s events coming when he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise…but I knew he was a short New Yorker and chalked it up to that from past experiences. We met up for coffee first, and then went to his place for a game of scrabble over some smoke and white russians and hockey in the background. I know- exciting, but it was right up my alley. We flirted and bantered and it was very fun. Really what I needed after a long and tedious week. After the scrabble game he made his move on me pretty quickly, and I wasn’t totally warmed up to the idea at first but decided what the hell once we started making out. He was a good kisser.
I’d mentioned in a few different subtle ways that I was kinky- I almost made the word ‘quirt’ (on a triple word score) – which is a very small whip like thing that I had in my purse- we had a ‘that’s a good word’ joke going, so I said “that’s a great word, and I know because I have one”. And thought that I had made it fairly clear that I am not the submissive type in other less subtle ways- I’m no wallflower and don’t give off those vibes. So when he grabbed a handful of hair and began to tug on it I politely but firmly said “Don’t pull my hair”.
He backed down a bit but kept getting aggressive in other ways. Not in a threatening way at all, or I’d have used my already well placed knee. More in a Dom sort of way.
I can and do enjoy vanilla sex, and with someone I know and trust I can enjoy some rough play during sex, but I’ve never enjoyed someone who gets aggressive right away since it’s usually a sign their either violent in other ways or a Dom. And I rarely end up making out with someone who is. So, to get my point across, I found his nipple through his shirt, and pinched it. First a little, then harder. He seemed to like it, we kissed again and I kept pinching… He said “Ow!”, and I said “Good”, and gave him a wicked look. He said something like “I don’t know about that”, and went to kiss me again. By this time I was not giving receptive body language back as he tried to pull me in various directions, but was still allowing him to kiss my neck. Then he went to pinch MY nipple, AND he started to try to pull me into a laying position on the couch by my leg, which is when I had to put the kaibosh on the whole thing and explain that I don’t ’switch’, at all. And apparently, neither does he.
He didn’t seem to believe me. And made several attempts kissing me again as I worked to extricate myself from the couch. I finally had to raise my voice to get it across- it wasn’t going to happen. I excused myself to the ladies room and quietly ordered a taxi with an iphone app. I came back in and said “Aww, come on. You’re not going to let me tie you up and spank you?” – and he said stunned “That’s what *I* say!” with his mouth ajar. Finally, he saw the humor in the whole situation and we had a good laugh. But he still kept trying to get me into the sack and push me around, saying how he’d never had anyone not like that sort of thing. He was also disappointed he wasn’t going to get to use his new sport-sheets set, and clearly a bit angry he wasn’t going to be having sex with me- although he did his best to hide it. Thank GAWD I sussed him out before I got into the bedroom, or you may have been reading about all of this is the newspaper instead of my blog. While laughing together and waiting for the cab, he mentioned that ‘this would go in the book’- a book he’s writing which he wouldn’t describe. I told him I’d be writing about it too, and told him I’d send him a link if seeing a man’s penis covered in tiny clothespins wouldn’t bother him. He turned a funny shade and said, no thanks. Then tried to kiss me again. I thought about twisting up his sac before I walked out, but in the end just went for a nipple again as the cab arrived. So easy.
In the past, I’ve had no problem and in fact have thoroughly enjoyed having all kinds of sensual interactions, including those with a more physically aggressive partner, especially when I have no intention of it being a long term thing. I have never NEEDED to be Dominant the first time I was intimate with someone whom I’ve not approached as a dominant, or felt oddly when dominating behavior comes about during foreplay- usually I can turn it around pretty quickly, too. But this time was different. Very different. As funny and silly as the story is, I recognized right away that I had definitely crossed a line somewhere back down the road without knowing it. I felt a little wistful for a simpler time. And a little surprised- I wasn’t expecting that. And a lot proud, as I can remember a time not so long ago when I wasn’t sure enough of myself to have stopped and left, or spoken up about my desires and needs so easily. I found myself wishing it wasn’t 3 am and that I had an easy way to get over to p.’s house ASAP, to make use of my new discovery.
It was a bit strange, and a lot ironically funny. But I’m still wondering how I crossed that line, and how far back down the road it really is.
Clearing Cobwebs
Ok, so I’m not so great at consistent posting here. What can I say? This is a personal, for fun site. I’m not concerned with page hits, or how popular I become in ‘the community’ with it. And I work online. Lately, about 16 hours a day, poring over thousands of lines of code. My work isn’t always so intensive, but when it is, it’s pretty hard to want to spend any more time at my laptop when my work day is over.
I guess I’m that way all around. Stress really takes the fun out of me. And, right now my life IS stress. For those of you who have followed me for the last year or so, you know that I am on my way uphill from a bad financial spot after hitting a very low point in a deep depression that lasted a few years. I’m say- a third of the way up; and things keep getting steeper…for all of us, I try to remember. Then there’s the kid. Getting ready for her senior year and college. And bleeding my schedule and wallet dry. I thought I was prepared for more expenses the last few years of high school, but sheesh. Try over a grand last month for various fees, extra curricular events, competitions, deposits of trips and summer courses, advanced testing, college prep, and senior rings and jackets….that’s before lunches and pocket money. Of course, home ownership has become costly. My fridge has gone out and part of my fence blew down, and HOA fees are due. And there is family too. Dad is doing fair, health wise. A brother is getting married in the summer. Everyone wants my time in free web work and visits in which they will do little but proffer advice on how to ‘fix’ my life. Lately I’ve felt as if even a 72 hour day wouldn’t offer enough daylight to get everything done; and have hit the ground running before 6 am and fallen into bed after midnight still clothed almost every day for 3 weeks. And yes, my body is telling me about it. I had two ocular migraines this month- fortunately painless (yes, migraines can be painless); but one left me unable to see (anything but a flashing ‘floater’ and the same effect you’d see if you stared at a bright light for several minutes), basically, for about 13 hours. I took the opportunity to sleep. And think.
I have lots to write about here. sparky and I have actually NOT talked about the blog because I’ve only seen him twice since that last post about it. One day was a slave shopping trip I had planned for Valentine’s day; I took him for his first trip to a lingerie store, and planned to go to a toy store afterwards but we ran out of time. I wrote about 3/4 of a post about it and got pulled away to something. When I find the file I wrote it in I will update, it was fun. I used my new purchase from BodyAware.
A little hurrah for Bodyaware here…GEEZUS those guys are fast. I ordered Wednesday with standard shipping (tee-hee- I first typo-ed ‘whipping’…wonder what is on MY mind?), and it was in my mailbox Saturday morning. WOW, and kudos to BodyAware, again. The chastity belt was exactly as stated on the site. Real leather with fabric facing fused to the inside. Came with it’s own luggage lock and set of keys. And under $30 bucks. And mmmmm….pretty. It is one size fits all, which means the waist strap is almost as long as I am tall; so I will have to find my leather needles and cut and edge it, maybe make a loop to hold the free end, but for now I’ve been using it as a handy on-slave-strap to smack with and a lead. On sparky about a bit over a foot is left dangling down his backside. Handy. But not pretty and it doesn’t tuck in well. However, if you are a … let’s say husky man … it WILL fit you. Easily.
Anyway, it was after that date that things got so crazy busy for me. And after that date that I realized I had to do some real soul searching. About what I want in a submissive and in a relationship. As hard as I have tried, I cannot feel a spark for sparky. And this makes my time with him feel more like time spent with a client (yes, that kind) than time spent with someone who is serving me. Like it’s not about me, at all. Not just because of the lack of spark, but that has much to do with it. Fortunately, I don’t think sparky is head over heels, and it will just fizzle out amicably.And yes, p. and I are still talking, sort of. This is a subject I’ll have to cover later.
Anyway, this soul searching led me to engage in some research and learning into empathy, both in general and in it’s relation to BDSM. As in being an empath, not being generally empathetic. I’ve always known about my empathic skills, which I’ll get into later; but like most with them, have struggled to recognize and live with them healthily. One particular effect on ME is to really have difficulty discerning my own wishes and desires from others in my life. It’s very easy to ’soak up’ what everyone else needs and make it my own. That’s been a good thing for parts of my life…becoming a single mother at fifteen for example, or having a handicapped sibling in a large family not always capable of giving her the best attention. It made me a great escort, and makes me a legendary lover. But it’s also been bad for me, in that I’ve rarely been able to consider my own wants and needs separately from my responsibilities and obligations to others. And I think that has much to do with my dominant tendencies, AND my reluctance to delve into them. As does being empathic. There’s plenty on that subject I expect to explore. I’m curious to know if other dominants who have empathic talents feel these abilities affect their desires and role.
Governor Spitzer’s dance around his dalliances, and the embarrassing press display of false prudishness over it, has me thinking on another article or two in my Sex Worker Stereotype series. I watched a pundit on CNN yesterday say something to the effect of “I’ve met him close to 20 times, and am shocked. He seemed like a very nice man who loved his wife and family and was a good person….”- of course these are not her words verbatim. But it seemed ridiculous to me. Why wouldn’t he be a nice man and a good person, or love his wife, even if he DID see an escort? Personally, I’d find it morally appalling if the lady (and the money spent and security detail used for seeing her) was a *lover*; someone to whom Mr. Sptitzer was obligating himself and giving of himself personally to. In THAT case I’d wonder about how seriously he took his obligation to his family, or his character as a person. But not that he may have seen a sex worker on his own private time. It seems to me that a man willing to carry on an ongoing affair outside of his marriage with an officially unpaid companion is much more morally corrupt than one who indulges himself with someone in whom he plans to invest no emotion or romance. And while I don’t know about the details of the investigation, it is days like this when I think about the number of colleagues I had who worked in circles like the one in question, that I am rather happy to have had my name out of the grapevine for a few years. I had an article planned about sex worker’s scruples which included quite a bit about keeping the trust of privacy between client and worker; and while I feel that’s an important point- thousands of workers zip it while only a few sing- maybe this isn’t the time to make that point.
Lastly, I have some literotica and some posts about the mental aspects of D/s to work on. I’ll try and bring one or two of them to fruition very soon so you have something fun to read.
There’s also some work to do here on the site- clearing out of cobwebs and freshening up my theme and such. So keep an eye out for changes….I’m still around.
Powerful, or psychopathic?
Did anyone else catch this piece on the Denver rapist who is sharing with a reporter what he thinks contributed to his psychopathy on NPR’s All Things Considered yesterday?
And did anyone else, dominant in particular, listen with a knot in the pit of their stomach?
I did, driving to pick up my teen from school; as I heard the reporter say that this man, as a child, had all the signs of a child in crisis….and then mentioned several signs, many of which I exhibited as a youngster. And that knot grew as he went on to discuss the building blocks of psychopathic behavior, the mental makeup of people who do things to, and seek to control, others.
An internal debate that has kept much of my dominant and sadistic behavior under lock and key most of my life re-energized as I sat in traffic. I did those things as a kid. Most of them, but not all. What does that mean? I didn’t torture animals. But, we didn’t have animals, and I was kept busier than most adults. Wait, is capturing ants and keeping them, sometimes purposely injured to assist in retaining them, in my nicely set-up pencil box cum ant hospital in my school desk considered torturing animals? Or chasing down and catching horny/horned toads to squeeze and make spit blood at my friends (caveats: (1)at the time, horned toads were not endangered, (2)if you don’t know, they squirt blood from their eyes when scared or mad- naturally, and (3) this was a school-wide pastime.)? The reporter is now talking about how psychopathic people don’t avoid embarrassment, or painful situations, because they don’t connect with those emotions anymore. Hmm. I know many people would consider some of the choices I’ve made, the things I’ve done in life, and the things I’ve done to men embarrassing, or emotionally painful. And while I understand how and why they might; I don’t. They make perfect sense to me. Does that make me a psychopath? Now he’s talking about the lack of guilt or shame and my pulse, the debate, both quicken a bit. Again, I don’t feel guilt or shame for many of the choices and or situations I’ve found myself in- or PUT myself in; where I suspect it is likely that others would. But I do experience guilt and shame in appropriate situations. Although, less and less so, and just who is it that deems what is appropriate… a tiny but indignant voice in the back of my mind speaks up.
…and the debate continued at a truly break neck pace until suddenly I was at my destination twenty miles from where the piece had started, and there was a teenager tossing stuff into the back of the car. I made a mental note to find it, listen again when I could focus, and explore my thoughts on the matter more both here and internally, and then it was back to the real world of what’s for dinner, and bumper to bumper traffic, and after school schedules. I really doubt this is what NPR meant ‘parking lot moments’ to be; but maybe I’m wrong.
I started this post out to be that exploration, but looking at my to-do pile for the morning, I know that if I really start, I won’t accomplish much else today. So these are just my recollections and I’m going ahead and posting them because I’m curious if other dominants have also had this debate/struggle, and I think it’s a good subject for discussion and getting myself (and my blog) back on track in exploring (my) dominance. I will come back to it in more depth soon, when the little things like work and back to school meetings are out of the way- by the weekend at the latest. In the meantime, listen, and tell me what your thoughts are- submissive or dominant. I could really use the outside input to spice up the debate.
Fear Factor
Something I’m experiencing- a LOT- with the subs who have shown interest in me whom I’ve taken simple initial steps to know, seems to be an unsolveable connundrum. Actually, two.
First, I’m finding that subs are contacting me coming on very strong in the “I’d like you to do THIS to me” department. Which is fine; I know men are prone to extreme fantasies, particularly when a strong need goes unmet. The problem arises when these men can’t differentiate for themselves which fantasies are just too far to really undertake for them- for real, and spend months leading you (me) into the beginnings of a relationship BASED on those fantasies and desires. Often, misrepresenting their level of experience; and probably never intending to follow through from the beginning. Sometimes an actual connection takes place, so they carry it further than they might have planned until it comes down to brass tacks and time to meet, or do something related to the extreme fantasy they used to connect with you. And then they freak out and disappear without so much as a word. It’s not just the pig I talked about yesterday. In fact, it’s happened with every submissive I’ve tried to get involved with. Sometimes before fantasies are even discussed; often standing me up for a date. And eventually, often months or sometimes years later, they return to tell me they were just scared, found me so overwhelming and powerful…and I am left dumbfounded because having someone just skip out on me with no explanation really doesn’t leave me feeling all that powerful.  And generally, I try to avoid going into extreme desires up front in a potential relationship; so most of the time it’s the gentlemen who have instigated not only the fantasy but a flurry of intense exchanges and pushing me to move faster, farther. I resist, and if over time they allow me a bit of trust, I often take what they’ve said they want and run with it….a bit scared to cross a line but confident that this is what they want. And then, suddenly they don’t. It’s …. hard. Having been out of a relationship so long- which ended with the use of my dominance as a scapegoat for our difficulties, and newish to exploring this as a personal (not for pay) journey, it really shuts me down and makes trying to feel confident in what I am doing (much less just- confident) very difficult indeed.
The other – sort of related- problem is …how do I put this succinctly? I can’t begin to count the number of single subs with personal ads looking for cruel, thoughtless, selfish, bitches that specifically state if you have a nice quality to your personality at all don’t bother, you aren’t Domme enough. And, you know, all of those are great qualities to explore in a D/s relationship- it’s part of the attraction to me- but… I’m more multifaceted than that. It seems empathy and a happy demeanor are NOT often on the wish list of single, looking male submissives. And it also seems accepted knowledge that if you are a generally nice person and don’t choose to stomp around looking angry and calling all men in sight ‘bitch’ all the time….that you aren’t domme at all. I wonder who these men think they are looking for. Fembots that don’t exist beyond the role they play. And you know- I have NO problem with the mean, total bitch domme stereotype. I know they are out there and hooray for them and their subs. But I just never thought of submission as becoming a doormat; I think it’s beautiful- and in order to really get to know someone so I can trust them enough to be a total bitch without having it turned against me, I have to start out as my boring nice self. I can’t imagine wanting to be with someone in a relationship- a real one- and thinking that they’d never laugh with you, or consider your feelings, or just like to be fun and silly or sweet and tender every now and then was a good thing; even IF eventually you both want her to have total control and use you like a toy. We aren’t singularly dimensional… dominant women. Any women. And thinking that we should be really is objectification on a level that just blows me away.
What brings this about is that the pig who’s been playing games with me …. both of these issues (in large part- but not completely- in large part he is just an ass) are a problem for him. And I think he sees a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel, but isn’t sure what it is. (I have more to write on that situation, but it will have to wait for this weekend.) But he’s not the only one. I’d posted an ad for a cuckold about half a year ago, emphasizing clean up duties as a requirement; and had many enthusiastic responses. I pursued one. After about six weeks of just talking he was given his first assignment- a photo of cum on his lips. And it came to deadline day- he called and chatted with me- acting so excited. He had pushed the deadline and so was left to manage his task without my participation; and the appointed hour came and went. I called, several times- no answer. Spent a few days trying to communicate – using a firm tone, being understanding, shaming him, every approach I could think of- all to no avail. Two months later, having finally gotten over it and involved with another interest, I receive a passionate email explaining how he actually wasn’t sub at all, but was just to ME, and had gotten squicked, but then couldn’t get me off his mind, and knew he needed me to do all that we had talked about to him. Recently, six months after meeting, he sort of completed his task. Sort of. And you know what? Had he been honest about it being a new and scary exploration for him I’d have never asked for it and we could have approached it much more gently and gradually- or perhaps not at all.
I just wish that- when getting overwhelmed with fear that they’ve gone too far- or when approaching a (dominant) woman to explore something that may not ever materialize…that you guys would just give us some credit and be …simply….honest. Say “Can we explore something that is a bit extreme for me and might not happen for real?”, or “I’m sorry, I need more time” or ” I need a few days to think on my own” or just “I’m not interested anymore”. I mean really. If a woman says she’s looking for an LTR based on consentual slavery, or cuckoldry…and you’re not sure but just curious…just SAY so. Don’t pretend you really plan to try and enter that LTR just to talk with her about your cuckold fantasies that you know you can never follow through on. Most of us are fine talking about fantasies that may never happen, and appreciate why that is so. We just don’t like being mislead. It’s rude, hurtful, and using someone else’s kink and feelings to satisfy a whim. I can’t imagine anything more disrespectful. Well, ok, so I can. But you know what I mean.
More Monday Blahs…
I looked up today and it had been a whole week since my last post.
Vanilla tedium still insists on taking up most of my time; and the subjects salient to here on my mind are such that I need more time to think on them before writing something public.
I have one post on the subject of professional sex work/adult entertainment underway, which was already thus before maymay and Bitchy both had their posts on the subject. I’m too lazy to link those today, so- will do later. Now I need to find the time to read their posts and the comments and revise. Or maybe I’ll just write two posts.
And last weeks tragedy at Virginia Tech; particularly the focus on the gunman’s disturbed writings, took me back to a subject I’d meant to tackle at some point. Actually, a few. Mainly, last week, I was thinking about how some of my (and others) more kinky thoughts and fantasies, and even actions could be so SOOO misconstrued by those outside the BDSM world, and even those within (not that I am relating what happened to our community in that way, it just brought up the thought)- because it’s all really about one’s personal perception. And, with some personal history in my family of criminal behavior being tied to D/s behavior, I also wonder how much of it really ISN’T misconstrued. How much of what we do is exploration? How much of it is emotional instability, or real mental illness even? How do you know? Can you? And can, or should, we try? I don’t think any of us who know each other in the blogosphere, or BDSM/alternative community would look at an extreme bdsm story as a sign of mental illness; but in making the journey to that perspective do we lose sight of what society sees as ‘disturbed’? And if so, where does that leave those of us who enjoy our explorations and don’t think it makes us deviant or disturbed at all?
And truthfully, I’ve just been in a bit of web-hermit mode. I haven’t been to my friends blogs or any forums in a few weeks; not out of any problem with them or the community…just tired and busy with the boring stuff of life. I do have some romantic happenings, um- happening…but nothing I plan on blogging about for the time being. That may change, but it’s not on my agenda at the moment.