Lunches with the exes
The last few weeks have been soo … emotionally dramatic. I keep trying to blog about them and ending up with these long messes that don’t even make sense to me. I’ve done a lot of personal introspection and that’s too hard to blog about for now, I’m still distilling. And of course, as always happens when I try and move on, purge and renew, some of my exes made appearances.
When things ended/but didn’t end with p., I was planning a final trip to see him before he moved to MA. We’d been talking about it on and off for a long time. He’d promised specifically, not to cancell last minute, or make up excuses; just to let things happen. I had arranged my daughter’s yearly visit with her grandparents to coincide with the two weeks before he moved. He knew, within a few day period with allowances for his work time, when I was arriving- I chose not to share my specific arrival because of his past cancellations …always the night before I was to come. I made the mistake of talking to him online within that time period and he went from being so excited he couldn’t contain himself to using the safewords I’d given him to totally end the relationship in about 3 minutes. (of course the next week he was back apologizing, rinse, repeat)
Yes. I have spent yet another of my yearly breaks at home. Instead of doing what I’d planned to do with and to p.. But this post isn’t about him, since I’m not posting about him anymore (right- you are welcome to all roll your eyes at this point). The explanation was just necessary to set up why and how that led to boredom and something bad…. A moment of weakness.
For those of you who may remember I started my foot fetish work and immediately got a request for an appointment from L.; who then didn’t stop emailing me until I had to say something nasty to him. He later replied that he totally understood and apologized. You may also remember that he had a bracelet I’d left with him in a previous moment of weakness a few years ago, when I realized what a bad idea it had been and tried to sneak out while he was asleep. It was from my grandmother’s estate and he knew this; but didn’t know it had never been worn and had spent 40 years in a closet- it had no real value, sentimental or otherwise. We’d gotten into a nasty fight not long after that unsuccessful sneaking out, and I’d told him to keep it in an effort to make a clean break. Being very sentimental, he wouldn’t let it die and kept using it as a means to keep contact with me until I’d been successful in losing his efforts to find me. Until, that is, the foot fetish site. Anyway. Back to the moment of weakness. I emailed him to see if he wanted to go to lunch. I’d been introspective and hoped he had reached a stable enough mental point that I could ask him some questions, seek some closure for myself. I wanted to get back the bracelet and remove any further reason to keep contact with me. And if I am honest with myself, was really really horny AND wanted to tie him up tight and enjoy myself with him one last time before asking him those questions. I know. Bad idea.
He accepted my invitation as quickly as I knew he would. He told me he’d just been laid off again (had lost his job not long after we broke up), and was still fighting his depression and anxiety, starting a new medication that weekend. I decided to assess the situation over lunch before involving ropes…I’d already offered and had it accepted. I wore strappy sandals and his favorite color of polish, but tried to not dress up too much- just a white summer skirt and tee-shirt. We met and it was clear he’d been crying. Hugged and …whew. That was hard for both of us. We spent almost five hours sitting there catching up, flirting and making our old private jokes like it hadn’t been four years, but tiptoeing around it. Bittersweet. His hands shook, and there were moments I thought he might break down…and we weren’t talking about anything too deep. I’d mention my daughter or his favorite cat, and he’d tear up. It was sad and hard to watch. It was clear he wasn’t ready for my questions. To hear them or to answer them. By the time I decided that, he had mentioned my shoes and polish a few times. I mentioned that we’d been there a bit long and said we should go somewhere else; he said he had to go feed an out of town friend’s animals. Puhleease. He went for an opening just as he walked me to the car. I got in and he held the door open. He mentioned the shoes again and then asked if I was wearing panties. I responded by telling him he might find out but then there were those poor unfed pets. His posture changed, he patted me on the back goodbye, and shut the door. Whew. Crisis averted. Oh yeah, I did get my bracelet.
Back when sparky and I ended things, I realized I’d left my favorite silver hoops on his headboard and emailed him a few days after that last dinner to ask him about them. He had them but was leaving for vacation; asked me to lunch when he returned. We finally made plans earlier this week for lunch yesterday. I told him to call me Thursday to set a time. He did and talked to me for an hour and twenty minutes. I did a lot of the talking but he actually asked me questions. This is something he didn’t do much of when we were dating. We got into a discussion about chastity and he got all hot and bothered. I knew because his voice changes and he gets all breathy when he has a hard on. Before going to bed later Thursday night I checked my profile for the maid position to reply to some responders, and saw that sparky had been by my profile. Hrrmm. We met at a closeby mexican restaurant; I had been stuck in traffic so he was there ahead of me. And had obviously seated himself so that I could face the door- he does read this blog. He had also taken the liberty of ordering me tea. I don’t really like restaurant tea, but it was a very nice gesture. We had a nice lunch, caught up on things. It seemed like he wanted to say or ask something but was having a hard time doing so. We were talking about one of my brothers, the golden child; whose super power is luck and who is also a bit holier than thou. I told sparky that when he gets too big for his britches I just ‘accidentally’ send him a link to thinks like penis sounds. That led to sparky telling me more about his kind experiences and feelings about it than I could get out of him in nine months of having him in my bed. I’m beginning to think it’s this restaurant- it’s the same one he brought his CBT to to have me lock him up at. After about two hours I had to be rather direct about ending the lunch and told him I’d meet him outside, where I had one of his sweatshirts in my car. He went to the men’s room, I sat on the bench outside for a smoke and picked up the Chronicle for a quick read of the letters to the editor. He snuck up and sat down close next to me looking like he was about to spit it out.
“Yes?” I turned to him.
He stomped his foot slightly and pursed his lips. “It was nice talking with you last night”
And then he quickly kissed me on the lips. I told him that I agreed and he could call anytime he felt like it. It was nice. Just nice. I walked him to my car to get his shirt, we joked a bit about him wearing it in the 100 degree heat, he said it again.
“It was really nice having lunch with you”
“Yes. We can do it again.”
Another kiss. I told him goodbye and drove off.
So um. Yeah. That’s my tale of luches with the exes. One moment of weakness averted, one revealed.
(I will try and be nice and go through and cross link all the old posts this one refers to sometime soon for you newer readers- but you can always use the search function at the bottom of the page.)
Clearing Cobwebs
Ok, so I’m not so great at consistent posting here. What can I say? This is a personal, for fun site. I’m not concerned with page hits, or how popular I become in ‘the community’ with it. And I work online. Lately, about 16 hours a day, poring over thousands of lines of code. My work isn’t always so intensive, but when it is, it’s pretty hard to want to spend any more time at my laptop when my work day is over.
I guess I’m that way all around. Stress really takes the fun out of me. And, right now my life IS stress. For those of you who have followed me for the last year or so, you know that I am on my way uphill from a bad financial spot after hitting a very low point in a deep depression that lasted a few years. I’m say- a third of the way up; and things keep getting steeper…for all of us, I try to remember. Then there’s the kid. Getting ready for her senior year and college. And bleeding my schedule and wallet dry. I thought I was prepared for more expenses the last few years of high school, but sheesh. Try over a grand last month for various fees, extra curricular events, competitions, deposits of trips and summer courses, advanced testing, college prep, and senior rings and jackets….that’s before lunches and pocket money. Of course, home ownership has become costly. My fridge has gone out and part of my fence blew down, and HOA fees are due. And there is family too. Dad is doing fair, health wise. A brother is getting married in the summer. Everyone wants my time in free web work and visits in which they will do little but proffer advice on how to ‘fix’ my life. Lately I’ve felt as if even a 72 hour day wouldn’t offer enough daylight to get everything done; and have hit the ground running before 6 am and fallen into bed after midnight still clothed almost every day for 3 weeks. And yes, my body is telling me about it. I had two ocular migraines this month- fortunately painless (yes, migraines can be painless); but one left me unable to see (anything but a flashing ‘floater’ and the same effect you’d see if you stared at a bright light for several minutes), basically, for about 13 hours. I took the opportunity to sleep. And think.
I have lots to write about here. sparky and I have actually NOT talked about the blog because I’ve only seen him twice since that last post about it. One day was a slave shopping trip I had planned for Valentine’s day; I took him for his first trip to a lingerie store, and planned to go to a toy store afterwards but we ran out of time. I wrote about 3/4 of a post about it and got pulled away to something. When I find the file I wrote it in I will update, it was fun. I used my new purchase from BodyAware.
A little hurrah for Bodyaware here…GEEZUS those guys are fast. I ordered Wednesday with standard shipping (tee-hee- I first typo-ed ‘whipping’…wonder what is on MY mind?), and it was in my mailbox Saturday morning. WOW, and kudos to BodyAware, again. The chastity belt was exactly as stated on the site. Real leather with fabric facing fused to the inside. Came with it’s own luggage lock and set of keys. And under $30 bucks. And mmmmm….pretty. It is one size fits all, which means the waist strap is almost as long as I am tall; so I will have to find my leather needles and cut and edge it, maybe make a loop to hold the free end, but for now I’ve been using it as a handy on-slave-strap to smack with and a lead. On sparky about a bit over a foot is left dangling down his backside. Handy. But not pretty and it doesn’t tuck in well. However, if you are a … let’s say husky man … it WILL fit you. Easily.
Anyway, it was after that date that things got so crazy busy for me. And after that date that I realized I had to do some real soul searching. About what I want in a submissive and in a relationship. As hard as I have tried, I cannot feel a spark for sparky. And this makes my time with him feel more like time spent with a client (yes, that kind) than time spent with someone who is serving me. Like it’s not about me, at all. Not just because of the lack of spark, but that has much to do with it. Fortunately, I don’t think sparky is head over heels, and it will just fizzle out amicably.And yes, p. and I are still talking, sort of. This is a subject I’ll have to cover later.
Anyway, this soul searching led me to engage in some research and learning into empathy, both in general and in it’s relation to BDSM. As in being an empath, not being generally empathetic. I’ve always known about my empathic skills, which I’ll get into later; but like most with them, have struggled to recognize and live with them healthily. One particular effect on ME is to really have difficulty discerning my own wishes and desires from others in my life. It’s very easy to ’soak up’ what everyone else needs and make it my own. That’s been a good thing for parts of my life…becoming a single mother at fifteen for example, or having a handicapped sibling in a large family not always capable of giving her the best attention. It made me a great escort, and makes me a legendary lover. But it’s also been bad for me, in that I’ve rarely been able to consider my own wants and needs separately from my responsibilities and obligations to others. And I think that has much to do with my dominant tendencies, AND my reluctance to delve into them. As does being empathic. There’s plenty on that subject I expect to explore. I’m curious to know if other dominants who have empathic talents feel these abilities affect their desires and role.
Governor Spitzer’s dance around his dalliances, and the embarrassing press display of false prudishness over it, has me thinking on another article or two in my Sex Worker Stereotype series. I watched a pundit on CNN yesterday say something to the effect of “I’ve met him close to 20 times, and am shocked. He seemed like a very nice man who loved his wife and family and was a good person….”- of course these are not her words verbatim. But it seemed ridiculous to me. Why wouldn’t he be a nice man and a good person, or love his wife, even if he DID see an escort? Personally, I’d find it morally appalling if the lady (and the money spent and security detail used for seeing her) was a *lover*; someone to whom Mr. Sptitzer was obligating himself and giving of himself personally to. In THAT case I’d wonder about how seriously he took his obligation to his family, or his character as a person. But not that he may have seen a sex worker on his own private time. It seems to me that a man willing to carry on an ongoing affair outside of his marriage with an officially unpaid companion is much more morally corrupt than one who indulges himself with someone in whom he plans to invest no emotion or romance. And while I don’t know about the details of the investigation, it is days like this when I think about the number of colleagues I had who worked in circles like the one in question, that I am rather happy to have had my name out of the grapevine for a few years. I had an article planned about sex worker’s scruples which included quite a bit about keeping the trust of privacy between client and worker; and while I feel that’s an important point- thousands of workers zip it while only a few sing- maybe this isn’t the time to make that point.
Lastly, I have some literotica and some posts about the mental aspects of D/s to work on. I’ll try and bring one or two of them to fruition very soon so you have something fun to read.
There’s also some work to do here on the site- clearing out of cobwebs and freshening up my theme and such. So keep an eye out for changes….I’m still around.
A bitter pill from the W.H.O.
I’ve been doing some research for another kinky venture of mine, which I’ll share later. I came across a reference in an article on retifism (shoe fetishes) that -really- astounded me.
I knew/know that most medical organizations have considered sadomasochism and other kinky behaviors as deviant behavior throughout most of history and well into almost the end of the 20th century. Truly, it was only 1994 when the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders decided SM or sadomasochism, short of causing serious or permanently disabling injury, should be no crime (and no disease) between consenting adults. And since this decision, laws prohibiting sadomasochistic behavior have been undergoing challenge, and in some cases, have fallen away.
But I didn’t know that so many of the things we, and most average adults in a free society, all enjoy were considered to be ‘disorders’. But, according to the World Health Organization, International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, (2007), Chapter V, F65.0 Disorders of sexual preference, not only are sadism and masochism included in the litany of *Diseases*, but so is fetishism (of any sort, apparently), transvestitism, exhibitionism, and voyeurism:
F65
Disorders of sexual preference
Includes:
paraphilias
F65.0
Fetishism
Reliance on some non-living object as a stimulus for sexual arousal and sexual gratification. Many fetishes are extensions of the human body, such as articles of clothing or footwear. Other common examples are characterized by some particular texture such as rubber, plastic or leather. Fetish objects vary in their importance to the individual. In some cases they simply serve to enhance sexual excitement achieved in ordinary ways (e.g. having the partner wear a particular garment).
F65.1
Fetishistic transvestism
The wearing of clothes of the opposite sex principally to obtain sexual excitement and to create the appearance of a person of the opposite sex. Fetishistic transvestism is distinguished from transsexual transvestism by its clear association with sexual arousal and the strong desire to remove the clothing once orgasm occurs and sexual arousal declines. It can occur as an earlier phase in the development of transsexualism. Transvestic fetishism
F65.2
Exhibitionism
A recurrent or persistent tendency to expose the genitalia to strangers (usually of the opposite sex) or to people in public places, without inviting or intending closer contact. There is usually, but not invariably, sexual excitement at the time of the exposure and the act is commonly followed by masturbation.
F65.3
Voyeurism
A recurrent or persistent tendency to look at people engaging in sexual or intimate behaviour such as undressing. This is carried out without the observed people being aware, and usually leads to sexual excitement and masturbation.
F65.4
Paedophilia
A sexual preference for children, boys or girls or both, usually of prepubertal or early pubertal age.
F65.5
Sadomasochism
A preference for sexual activity which involves the infliction of pain or humiliation, or bondage. If the subject prefers to be the recipient of such stimulation this is called masochism; if the provider, sadism. Often an individual obtains sexual excitement from both sadistic and masochistic activities. MasochismSadism
F65.6
Multiple disorders of sexual preference
Sometimes more than one abnormal sexual preference occurs in one person and there is none of first rank. The most common combination is fetishism, transvestism and sadomasochism.
F65.8
Other disorders of sexual preference
A variety of other patterns of sexual preference and activity, including making obscene telephone calls, rubbing up against people for sexual stimulation in crowded public places, sexual activity with animals, and use of strangulation or anoxia for intensifying sexual excitement. FrotteurismNecrophilia
F65.9
Disorder of sexual preference, unspecified
Sexual deviation NOS
I honestly am dumbfounded. And incensed.
I’ll need to think on this one, in my new boots with as many sex toys and fetish objects as I can gather, I think…before I can manage an erudite commentary. Astounding.