Where the Girls Are
Female to female friendships are mysterious and magical experiences, even the most fleeting and casual are important in ways even we don’t often realize until after the fact. We are, after all, the only ones who understand the complexity and conundrums that we- as women- are. A woman knows things about another woman without them having been said; and can read the many levels of communication that go on just beneath and above and around the surface of things. A woman knows why we wear the makeup and painful clothing (hint- it’s not for you , men), when “I’m fine” means “I’m not at all fine”, the difference between shopping, and shopping shopping- and so much more than I could explain. For women, these connections are vitally important; dominant, submissive, switch, or vanilla…women need other women to be more in touch with ourselves.
As I age, I find making and maintaining real friendships with women more and more difficult, something I have to focus on with more intent and purpose than having it happen naturally. This is in part, normal for all adult women I think- at least from my discussions with women of all ages and my own observations; and understandable in light of all that women do, no matter their position in the world. We have demands on our time and as adults that preclude our own personal needs, and culture dictates that a woman focus on the others in her life rather than cultivating herself- for the most part. We stay focused on making everything run well for everyone else, planning activities, running households, meeting needs, understanding problems and finding solutions. This could apply to a vanilla housewife attending to her children and husband, a single woman caring for aging parents, or a domme focusing her attentions on keeping and training her slave. By our nature we nurture others, and not ourselves. And there are of course many other reasons, individual and widespread, that women stop making connections with each other as we move into adulthood. Men really have no idea the underlying competition and standards we women hold each other to, the judgements we make about each other subtle but important undertones in the way women communicate amongst themselves. And society doesn’t encourage real friendships between women, instead we are taught from alarmingly early ages that in making relationships as adults our focus should be to attract men. And then I have a few additional uh, features in my life that tend to really put a damper on making friendships with women that last.
First, I find dominant women in general tend to not have many female friends. Vanilla women, well, even if they don’t know about our kinky side, find something uncomfortable in being our companions. And if they do know about the kinky side, there are often internal judgements that make real friendship impossible. Other dominant women…well…just put more than one powerful personality in a room and see what happens. We can get along, but it’s often a struggle.
Then, I find that as a (/an ex) sex industry worker, I have added obstacles to maintaining friendships with other women. I am suddenly the enemy, as someone who has catered to and encouraged men’s sexuality, and by default promiscuity and infidelity (even though that isn’t really the case). And I know too much; too much that other women don’t, or think they don’t. When I entered the industry this is one side effect I never considered; nor did I think such things would follow me well after I’d left that work. And, if I were happy to hide that history I might be able to avoid some of it but I am not.
Anyway, my point to this post is that back when I started this blog I’d made some connections with a few great ladies in the BDSM community- Elizabeth, Bitchy, Alexandria, Evil Torturing Angel, and Mistress160. There was much commenting on their blogs about duct tape and spanking, sharing of links and snarkiness, and it was FUN. And, there was also the whole condescending thing, and then the creepy ‘Expose Them Now” thing- which held some back channel drama for some of us. And, as I kept commenting on other ladies blogs I noticed something. Other women don’t comment on my blog. Not that I was pining away for that. I just noticed it; and in combination with some of the events surrounding the time I started this blog, it made me feel pretty unwelcome with the women of ‘the community’- whether true or not.
Since I am in a process of self discovery, and for the last several months have been involved with someone who has done little but be manipulative and game playing, I have ended up insulating myself from feeling this way by simply not participating. I stopped visiting the blogs I’d been reading and commenting on. I dropped out of the forums at Fetishlore. I explored the reasons behind this in my post about top-drop.
But, I need friendships with women. We all do. It helps us confirm our selves and our power, reaffirms our femininity, and is just plain important. I went to Elizabeth’s blog yesterday and posted a comment, noticing that the many ladies who had been commenting there were also absent, and that she’s expanded her subject matter. I felt bad. We were having fun, just us girls. And I realized how much I missed it -even if it was just silly blog commenting, it was nice to make a connection with another dominant woman; to be able to still enjoy being kinky without it having to be about men and their peni. As Alexandria so eloquently put it when I said I felt that men generally totally misunderstood the nature femininity…”They just don’t understand that it’s not about them”. And it’s not- it’s not about you or for you men. It’s about us….the girls. You’re just lucky enough to get to enjoy it.
So I am resolving to make more of an effort to make and maintain real friendships with women, particularly in the D/s community. And this post is in part, an explanation and olive branch to Elizabeth, Bitchy, and other women I’ve connected with and de-connected with here. Because really, it’s usually most fun where the girls are.
M&M types
Last week I was enjoying the company of a long time good friend, one time client, who has become somewhat of both a benefactor and a mentor over the years. We scratch each other’s backs when it’s needed; and he’s known me since my fist months as an escort, through my cuckolding relationship, and other romantic dramas. He is *very* vanilla; and while he knows OF this side of me, he neither understands it nor wishes to. Which is ironic, because he is so very submissive and has done so much for me over the years that would easily surpass anything the subs I’ve mingled with have in the way of service and worship. From gifts to manual labor, if I just ask, it’s mine; he hears all about my love life, and we always do what I want. I get all the oral sex I want, and if he comes to visit and I don’t want sex, it’s fine with him, he just spoils me instead- or leaves me alone if I wish. Details of his personal life, too, would read like most subs chastity blogs. He’s just not a masochist, and like so many with only popular cultural exposure to BDSM, doesn’t understand the difference between masochism and submission, or that they can exist separately, as can dominance and sadism.
Anyway- in the midst of our play I had temporarily lost control of my senses and dug my nails deep into his arm, drawing blood unknowingly. When I saw the mark a few minutes later, and apologized, he said
“Yeah, you know I’m not one of those M&M’s”
and we both laughed at how bad a joke that was. I thought about explaining to him that indeed, he was ‘one of those’ – just not an ‘m’ type….but why ruin a good thing?
Maybe he just coined a new term for vanilla men with no apparent interest in kink, but whom are submissive in their relations with women. And, while my M&M is a really nice thing to have…this visit just left me realizing that this door to my dominant side, now open, will not be easily shut, and M&M’s don’t work well as pervertables, and are just not going to satisfy any more.
Fear Factor
Something I’m experiencing- a LOT- with the subs who have shown interest in me whom I’ve taken simple initial steps to know, seems to be an unsolveable connundrum. Actually, two.
First, I’m finding that subs are contacting me coming on very strong in the “I’d like you to do THIS to me” department. Which is fine; I know men are prone to extreme fantasies, particularly when a strong need goes unmet. The problem arises when these men can’t differentiate for themselves which fantasies are just too far to really undertake for them- for real, and spend months leading you (me) into the beginnings of a relationship BASED on those fantasies and desires. Often, misrepresenting their level of experience; and probably never intending to follow through from the beginning. Sometimes an actual connection takes place, so they carry it further than they might have planned until it comes down to brass tacks and time to meet, or do something related to the extreme fantasy they used to connect with you. And then they freak out and disappear without so much as a word. It’s not just the pig I talked about yesterday. In fact, it’s happened with every submissive I’ve tried to get involved with. Sometimes before fantasies are even discussed; often standing me up for a date. And eventually, often months or sometimes years later, they return to tell me they were just scared, found me so overwhelming and powerful…and I am left dumbfounded because having someone just skip out on me with no explanation really doesn’t leave me feeling all that powerful.  And generally, I try to avoid going into extreme desires up front in a potential relationship; so most of the time it’s the gentlemen who have instigated not only the fantasy but a flurry of intense exchanges and pushing me to move faster, farther. I resist, and if over time they allow me a bit of trust, I often take what they’ve said they want and run with it….a bit scared to cross a line but confident that this is what they want. And then, suddenly they don’t. It’s …. hard. Having been out of a relationship so long- which ended with the use of my dominance as a scapegoat for our difficulties, and newish to exploring this as a personal (not for pay) journey, it really shuts me down and makes trying to feel confident in what I am doing (much less just- confident) very difficult indeed.
The other – sort of related- problem is …how do I put this succinctly? I can’t begin to count the number of single subs with personal ads looking for cruel, thoughtless, selfish, bitches that specifically state if you have a nice quality to your personality at all don’t bother, you aren’t Domme enough. And, you know, all of those are great qualities to explore in a D/s relationship- it’s part of the attraction to me- but… I’m more multifaceted than that. It seems empathy and a happy demeanor are NOT often on the wish list of single, looking male submissives. And it also seems accepted knowledge that if you are a generally nice person and don’t choose to stomp around looking angry and calling all men in sight ‘bitch’ all the time….that you aren’t domme at all. I wonder who these men think they are looking for. Fembots that don’t exist beyond the role they play. And you know- I have NO problem with the mean, total bitch domme stereotype. I know they are out there and hooray for them and their subs. But I just never thought of submission as becoming a doormat; I think it’s beautiful- and in order to really get to know someone so I can trust them enough to be a total bitch without having it turned against me, I have to start out as my boring nice self. I can’t imagine wanting to be with someone in a relationship- a real one- and thinking that they’d never laugh with you, or consider your feelings, or just like to be fun and silly or sweet and tender every now and then was a good thing; even IF eventually you both want her to have total control and use you like a toy. We aren’t singularly dimensional… dominant women. Any women. And thinking that we should be really is objectification on a level that just blows me away.
What brings this about is that the pig who’s been playing games with me …. both of these issues (in large part- but not completely- in large part he is just an ass) are a problem for him. And I think he sees a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel, but isn’t sure what it is. (I have more to write on that situation, but it will have to wait for this weekend.) But he’s not the only one. I’d posted an ad for a cuckold about half a year ago, emphasizing clean up duties as a requirement; and had many enthusiastic responses. I pursued one. After about six weeks of just talking he was given his first assignment- a photo of cum on his lips. And it came to deadline day- he called and chatted with me- acting so excited. He had pushed the deadline and so was left to manage his task without my participation; and the appointed hour came and went. I called, several times- no answer. Spent a few days trying to communicate – using a firm tone, being understanding, shaming him, every approach I could think of- all to no avail. Two months later, having finally gotten over it and involved with another interest, I receive a passionate email explaining how he actually wasn’t sub at all, but was just to ME, and had gotten squicked, but then couldn’t get me off his mind, and knew he needed me to do all that we had talked about to him. Recently, six months after meeting, he sort of completed his task. Sort of. And you know what? Had he been honest about it being a new and scary exploration for him I’d have never asked for it and we could have approached it much more gently and gradually- or perhaps not at all.
I just wish that- when getting overwhelmed with fear that they’ve gone too far- or when approaching a (dominant) woman to explore something that may not ever materialize…that you guys would just give us some credit and be …simply….honest. Say “Can we explore something that is a bit extreme for me and might not happen for real?”, or “I’m sorry, I need more time” or ” I need a few days to think on my own” or just “I’m not interested anymore”. I mean really. If a woman says she’s looking for an LTR based on consentual slavery, or cuckoldry…and you’re not sure but just curious…just SAY so. Don’t pretend you really plan to try and enter that LTR just to talk with her about your cuckold fantasies that you know you can never follow through on. Most of us are fine talking about fantasies that may never happen, and appreciate why that is so. We just don’t like being mislead. It’s rude, hurtful, and using someone else’s kink and feelings to satisfy a whim. I can’t imagine anything more disrespectful. Well, ok, so I can. But you know what I mean.
Smells like some Femdom on the Stove…
A little thing you should about me is that I am so nostalgic I can hardly function. Can’t help it. I grew up early enough to catch the imagery of the 50’s and 60’s, and in a part of the country that stayed that way into the 70’s. I come from a family of story tellers, teachers, reporters, scrapbookers …packrats.
Recently, my grandmother and spinster aunt who lived with her both passed away. And they were the ultimate ‘collectors’. Of everything. And, left it all to a family member who didn’t care too much to keep it, with understandable reasons. Long story short, as a result I have, in each room of my house, several boxes (as well as lots of unpacked stuff) of papers, scrapbooks half completed, play programs, postcards, matchbooks, maps…the stuff we all save and don’t ever do anything with. Much of this stuff will go at some point, I’m sure; but it needed going through, and I’d run out of time at the house before the estate sale, so I shoved the boxes in the car and brought them home. I’m going through them, slowly; and… the things I find. Wow. So telling of so much; it’s amazing what a box of papers and whatnots will tell you about a person. I find myself thinking a lot about the impact these women had on me, the impact my upbringing and environment had on my dominant desires and sexuality. I find so much tongue-in-cheek humor and things told to women…advice on how to catch a man, marry well, get what you want, control your man…that, while coming from a very misogynistic place, actually have not so hidden undertones of female superiority. It’s also just strange to look back on a world now so foreign and romanticized through these things.
Anyway. I found a cache of papers of my aunts that were in a box of stuff circa 1965- early ’70’s. ..about her late high school, college years. A pamphlet “Adjustment Within Marriage, Christian Answers to Family Problems”- which I haven’t even looked at yet, some papers, typed out- “Help Towards a Good Sex Adjustment in Marriage”- which is really fairly sound and open minded for the time, “What is a Wife?”, and “What is a Husband?”- also have not read yet, “The Girl I Won’t Marry”- which I will save for another post, and “49 Ways to Make Marriage More Exciting- Condensed From McCall’s”. Which is funny. And had this little “Important Recipe” at the end, that, read from a Femdom point of view, is even better! So, I had to share. I’m sure the original author, and my aunt, are somewhere, scandalized. My apologies.
A Most Important Recipe:
“Select the best man you can find and brush him carefully to rid him of any indifference. Be careful not to beat him as you would an egg, or cream, for beating will make him tough and apt to froth at the mouth.
Lift him gently into the home-preserving kettle and tie him with strong cords of affection which are not easily broken. Do not sear him with sarcasm, for that causes sputtering which may ultimately result in spontaneous combustion. Scramble when difficulties arise.
Do not soak him in liquor, for excessive draughts will make him mushy and spongy with your friends.
It is best to let him simmer tenderly at will, to blend tactfully with dressing and seasoning. Stuff him one hour before taking him out or before asking a favor of him.
Flavor him with oil of happiness, an ounce of understanding and a bushel of fun an laughter.
Should he seem weak or troubled with feminine infatuations, smother him in onions and double your charm.
Do not spoil him by overindulgence, but serve him daily on a platter of strength and courage, garnish with clean shirts and collars.”
Oh, you *were* reading after all…
So yeah. I know, and have had it pointed out, that this blog seems to have no direction. That’s accurate I suppose as it’s how I feel at the moment on this part of my kinky journey. I’ve been avoiding a real explanation of my direction because it keeps changing, and I don’t want to misrepresent myself. The only direction I am positive of is genuine honesty. So here, for the readers and community, is a bit from me about who I am and how I ‘fit in’ in the kink community at this very moment. It may be far from comprehensive or complete but is, at best, honest.
I am new to the femdom community in one sense, and not at all in another. I have, since my joining the internet world circa 1998, been broadly familiar with the concepts, and with BDSM in general terms, experienced very light scenes as both dominant and submissive, and over the course of my adulthood prior to that had many men seek to submit to me over many years long before I was ever interested in dominating anyone. I also had some experience with lifestyle slavery (male dom, stepmother as slave) in my family; which, perhaps I’ll explore later, soured my view of it before I understood it (because of some criminal behavior and other nasties which were in part related to their D/s relationship).
I came to find this particular set of people, starting with Richard’s blog fest, and Alexandra’s and at the same time many pro-domme, old-guard, and other related sites when I started a really poorly thought out search for a man to date fairly casually who was interested in cuckoldry. I had been almost three years out of a relationship that- while not ever discussed between us as such, was definitely based around cuckolding. During a financial pinch, he had suggested that I escort, encouraged me to do so; and while I would never say that I chose to do it solely because he suggested it, I must say that I’d never have done so without knowing he’d understand it was no threat to him or the relationship. When we met I was working as a stripper, and I’d tossed the idea of escorting around a bit; but then he and I’d become more serious and I’d forgotten about it until he brought it up. When I told him I liked the idea, of coming home to him after a day with clients, to have him spoil and enjoy me *for real*; our sex life and trust factor seemed to skyrocket; and I made the decision to go with it- with him cheering me on. Of course, because I was focusing on my new business venture in the internet world, I spent most of my time on escort forums, ad sites, etc. and almost none exploring this part of our relationship through newsgroups or forums or other means. And while I knew that cuckolding my man was certainly a dominating thing to do; we didn’t include much BD or SM in our relationship, and I didn’t think other people would be open to the whole escorting/sex work while in a relationship thing, so it just didn’t connect with me that there were communities out there to look for with people doing the same thing–or that it was D/s. I mean, it DID; more like I just didn’t think about it at all- but just did what came naturally because it felt quite natural and my lover seemed to agree. Yeah, I know. Did I tell you that I’m a natural blonde? Dark blonde, but still. It shows sometimes more than others.
Anyway- L. and I had a great thing. A truly legendary love. I never ever thought I’d be single ever again. We had some rough patches. Communication issues. But as time went on, and years passed, we became best friends, passionate lovers, and very closely connected; and most of this was due to the unique way our relationship worked. I’d been escorting successfully for four years, come out of a financial crisis and moved myself from a destitute town in east Tx to Austin, gotten my child into a nationally recognized magnet program, was financially stable for the first time ever, preparing to go back to college, saving to buy a home. L. was basically living with me, maintaining his own home but residing at mine. In essence, things were really great. In the afternoons and evenings, we lived like any vanilla family; I cooked, he did the dishes, we’d play a game or watch a movie with my daughter- who loved him dearly. She’d head to bed and I’d tell him about my work day as he massaged or licked me, and more. We’d stay up late and be wicked and naughty; he worked from home, so after a lazy morning and him helping me prepare for my first date of the day, we’d part until evening. We’d go out occasionally and enjoy some public play – he’d watch as I flirted with or fondled various victims; or he’d assume a more macho ‘wife sharing’ role on occasion. We’d terrorize poor shoe salesmen as he’d attend to me, pantiless, trying on very expensive footwear and acting out variations on fantasies with that (I’ll write some down later). L. came with his own toy collection, and I’d use his strap on on him occasionally as a treat, and he liked to show his submissiveness in public. We enjoyed all kinds of kink activities, some a constant, some changing over time. Because of my professional approach to fetishes (more later on that) I enjoyed the opportunity to experience a wide number of feetishes on all different levels, and to enjoy things that L. did not like (which wasn’t much) outside of the relationship. One of those things was pain play, another verbal humiliation, another TPE slavery (short term). I did not delve into any of these very deeply as an escort because I really felt as a professional I should only do so with good knowledge and personal experience, and -to the great protests of many clients- would only do light scenes in this respect, with clients of long standing. Probably 20 or 30 experiences total. I suppose to some that is many; I think in the dynamic of being an escort, and not a domme or pro-domme, that it is safe to say that I stayed quite on the surface of these experiences and always felt there was so much more to explore that I wasn’t willing to do in that circumstance. And L. was not into B/D or S/M; or didn’t express an interest to me.
At any rate, one day, July 4th to be exact, we were out at my secret spot on the river to watch the fireworks away from the crowds. He’d made a very sweet gesture; and having always been a bit commitment phobic, he’d always sort of balked at using language that means commitment- “love” in particular, but recently even ‘boyfriend’ seemed to bother him. So, in a silly moment as we were wading in the water and stopping occasionally to kiss and grope, I threw my arms around him and asked if it was safe to call him my boyfriend- lightheartedly. Now, mind you we’d been dating on and off- more on than off- for five years, and he’d been sleeping at my house for around nine months. So this wasn’t an out of the blue question in any way. When he hesitated more than 30 seconds I knew I’d made a mistake. And what followed was awful; he’d decided that I was ruining the relationship by escorting and with my kinks, and could never commit to someone who had escorted, even if I stopped. Of course, it wasn’t over right away. We had one big fight, stayed apart for a week, got back together, negotiated, fought…it was harrowing. I quit escorting immediately. The year prior, my daughter had a major accident, breaking her foot from her leg completely. At the ER I discovered her father had left the country and canceled her health insurance. So the financial gains I had made over the four years of escorting were completely wiped out and I was just starting to get my head above water again when this happened. I had difficulty finding vanilla work with my job history, was late one too many times with rent, lost my lease. All the while L. would come, profess how sorry he was and how he loved me and wanted me to be the powerful sexual woman he knew and that he’d been just as much to blame as me, then a week later would meet me at his front door for a date we’d planned acting as if he had no idea why I was there and tell me he hated me. And I watched my- while questionable in many people’s eyes- only adult success, the only vehicle that had ever allowed me any financial or personal freedom – my escort career- go down the drain, as I’d go back, quit again, burn bridges to please him and then end up needing them back. And at the same time my health began to fail, my thyroidal disorder creating a number of physical symptoms that left me feeling like I was literally dying and not mentally well- without any outside influence. All of this in tandem, at once, along with several family deaths, and the daily stresses of rearing a teenager; was overwhelming. But the worst was having what I’d thought made our relationship special, the only successful venture I’d ever had, and th dominant nature I’d finally become comfortable with turned against me; being made to feel like I’d been an awful person, hurtful and mean spirited, for doing what I thought my lover *wanted*, and what made me feel more fulfilled than I ever had before. It made me question everything. Who I was, what I’d done, what it all meant.
So, I just shut down all but the most essential activities of my life for some time. A couple of years, actually. I focused on my family, my daughter, my health, self exploration. I had learned web design as an escort, to do my own site work; I parlayed this into a freelance occupation with some difficulty, but it’s been workable. I also maintained a relationship with one client whom some might consider a sugar daddy; but I’d consider more of a benefactor and vanilla-like-sub, who has helped me through some financial hard times. I researched cuckolding, Femdom, D/s; and came to realize that much of what had in the past caused relationship problems was actually just my dominant side reaching out, and without my partner’s knowledge and consent to be dominated, it was problematic. I did date some. My vanilla dating inspired a blog about bad dates. They were awful. And I knew that un-kinky would just not work for me. I needed a man who could be accepting of my adult career past, and the fact that I might be interested in re-entering the kinky workforce in the future; I did not want to go without the kind of connection and passion that L. and I had- or that I thought we had- or that I felt when with him as my cuckold. So I put up an ad at a popular kinky website, and truthfully hadn’t fully thought it out. I’d thought I might find some hotwife types, or even some more submissive cuckolds; but I wasn’t prepared for the amount of Femdom, D/s, S/M, SPH, overt humiliation that was also heavily related to the purely cuckolding sites I was finding, nor the responses I recieved. I also had thought I could try something casual and part time; but quickly discovered that I just wouldn’t be able to do so on this level- I’m not a casual dater and D/s requires too much trust. Most of the cuckolds I met -quite frankly- had serious emotional issues. Nice guys, just not what I was looking for. I’d not really expected the SPH (small penis humiliation)- because L. had not been um- small; and BBC never really interested me. A few of the cuckolds I met interested me, although all quite far away; and none seemingly willing to make much of an effort up front. While I’m still interested in cuckoldry, I am probably left with more concerns about doing so healthily in a relationship than lend themselves to an outright search for a cuckold. I also met a few men who were not cuckolds at all but contacted me anyway; and two of them interested me enough that I felt drawn to explore D/s, and more pain play in a deeper manner than I’d planned. See, the thing is, I’m an all or nothing kind of person. Can’t help it. But I KNOW it, so I can deal with it. I’ve known I wanted to explore these things more for a long time. But, I also consider it, sort of a luxury. I don’t want to get into this and have to limit myself to sitting in the closet to avoid my kid hearing me humiliate some man on the phone. I want to be able to chain a slave in the corner of the living room and leave him there for a whole day, naked, if I want. And, as a single mom, my life doesn’t allow for that right now. I can’t allow myself to become distracted from my duties as a parent, the only one. And I’ve feared that I might if I delve into this too deeply while she’s still home. At the same time, I’m trying to ready myself for the fast approaching day that she is no longer my day to day responsibility, and I can focus on myself for the first time ever since the age of fifteen, which is the age I got pregnant (upon losing my virginity, I might add…all through the back door, lol).
So, in starting to look for D/s, Femdom, and related resources, I found Richard and Alexandra’s websites. It was refreshing to see that others too, found some ridiculousness in the stern ‘One Way’ers. I began to realize that much of what I had done in almost ALL of my past relationships was domination in one sense or another. Just without recognizing and communicating about it; or the latex. It was freeing to understand finally that I was not an awful person for being who I was naturally, and that there would indeed be men who wanted this; that I could explore it openly and without blame. But the millieu of options, along with my history it has also left me unsure of how next to proceed, where I’m headed next. I posted a few comments on both blogs, read some of the sites in their blogrolls, and then Richard started his forum. I joined early on; and helped him track down a few spammers, offered to replace the standard logo image for him, so he made me an admin. Oops. So, suddenly I’m here, in the middle of a bunch of Femdom and FLA and D/s people who have no idea who I am; and I don’t have a quick and dirty answer for you. In the midst of all of this, I’ve had some ugly experiences with the two subs who interested me so much, playing heavily on my trust issues- which they were both implicitly made aware of. And met a little friction in the community I didn’t expect or handle well. And this has left me not just more confused but also just drained of the energy to think about it in great depth lately. So I’ve ended up starting this blog with about thirty three different ideas of approach, and each time I start to go there something happens to either cause me to question that direction, or to stress me too much to work at it at the moment.
Suffice to say, I know I’m a dominant woman; always have been, am not new to that knowledge but new to putting it into conscious practice as such. I get into kinks and fetishes of all kinds, and while I understand how physical acts relate to D/s – I’m more interested in the psychological and emotional aspects. I love all sorts of physical manifestations of D/s, submission in action; but not married to any one of them. What is important to me is being handed control willingly, having the power to guide and manage another’s pleasure and having the devotion of submission…it’s how I like things. My experience as a sex worker left me with a broad experience and appreciation for many sexual acts and fetishes; and I enjoy almost any of them with the right partner. And I suppose that, more than anything, is what I am here for- to look for just the right partner.
This blog is really about all kinds of things. Not just femdom, or D/s, or a particular fetish; nor just my relationships or dating life, or exploring my past relationships or sex work. It’s really just a place for my own edification, a way to interact more in several different communities, an outlet for thoughts and desires that are currently not being addressed ‘offline’, a place to bitch and vent, and to come back to later to review my thoughts, a way to communicate things to suitors without actually saying it to them directly, and of course, a place to be silly and dorky (because I really, really am). I apologize if I’ve confused anyone or jumped in head first into a community without intending to. But I’ll be glad to make more cut-out-bondage dolls if that will redeem me from the confusion. Next up…what my favorite kinks and ‘badges’ are…for now.