Wheeee … New Rechargeable Vibe with Real Power!
Vacations that get extended are pretty great. This one has gone from a one to a four week trip. I can thank Austin’s SXSW for this week. After “completing” this round of my dental work Friday (owie!) I discovered over the weekend I had to go back for an adjustment that would be hard to live without in the interim between this and my next trip. They couldn’t get me in today, the only day a reasonably priced airline ticket home was available. For the next several days a flight from where I am to Austin costs more than my original round trip ticket. As generous as M&M is, I can’t ask him to pay for that.
But I did ask him to pay for THIS:
The Lelo Lilly pleasure object. Snort. Pleasure object. O-kay.
But seriously. I am IMPRESSED. This is coming from a girl who has been a die hard Wahl user for twenty years, and who has completely burned out not one but two in her life. Wow, that makes me sound so old and dirty. But it’s true. No man can do what that thing does for me, noise and size and crampy hands be damned. And I thought no other vibe could either. Since burning out my second one sometime back around Thanksgiving, I’ve been far too busy to replace it. Not that I haven’t tried. I’ve checked every Walgreens, Rite-Aid, and CVS in every place I’ve been….that’s the problem is that I’ve been traveling so much to be home reliably to pick up a package from my porch. So I haven’t been able to order one, and they used to be easy to find in a drugstore (that’s how I found my first).
Back when my “plans” involved sending the kiddo off to the dorms and couch surfing here with M&M for a while (funny how it happened anyway), I was considering how loud the Wahl was and that I might want to look for something both quiet and more discrete in general. But EVERY battery operated device I have ever tried (a) isn’t powerful enough, and (b) run out of juice before I get my first orgasm. Usually JUST before, since the lack of power makes it take thrice as long. So I did some serious researching around Christmas thinking I might splurge. I found several very cool looking rechargeables that claimed to be whisper quiet AND powerfil, but all were pretty high dollar and I have never had luck with those claims. So when M&M suggested- after asking some personal questions about how I masturbated and hearing how I’d been vibe-orgasm free for several months- that we stop at a nearby toy shop, I was hopeful I’d find something good. We looked around a bit, I played with some floggers while he pretended not to be afraid and mortified- really nice, small diameter balanced handles and short flails- made for petite ladies like me. But the price tag was pretty hefty for a toy M&M wouldn’t want to play with, with me. So we made our way to the counter and I polled the salesperson about various ones. I spied the Lilly, and it had been one of my top three choices in researching a replacement vibe. But it was over $120. It didn’t take much to talk him into it, and the high tech nature of it didn’t hurt either. But they didn’t have one charged up and we were both dubious. I knew I’d be in trouble if it wasn’t worth it. Not much. But still, I like to keep M&M as happy as I can stand to on this side of the threshold, and it’s getting harder and harder (for me).
So we took the tiny vibe to his place and plugged it in, and anxiously waited. About an hour later (the manual says two hours for a full charge) the lights lit solid indicating it was powered up. We unplugged it (manual says no use while plugged in) and began trying the two buttons. Nothing. Read more of the manual. After a few rinse and repeats of that, we finally discovered that it might be “locked”. While initially frustrating this is a *brilliant* feature…by pressing both buttons at the same time for a few seconds you can lock it and keep it from turning on by accident. To unlock it you press them both until the lights around them light up solid again. So once we figured that out, it took another minute to figure out which was the + button and which was the – button…the manual said they’d be marked but they don’t seem to be. Simple enough- a or b. With the pointy end up, it’s the right button, btw. Once it started up, I was mildly impressed. For such a small size, it was pretty powerful. M&M grabbed it from me and began pressing buttons, making it far more powerful. THEN I was excited! It was really almost as powerful as the Wahl – and for the size it was astounding. The we found the pulse settings…you keep clicking the + button to increase power, and you hold it down for a second or two to get into one of five pulse modes. The – button decreases power and turns it off. As we played with it I realized that if I moved just a yard away from it while it was at full speed, I could not hear it. I jumped up and down like an excited kid. Really!
The next test would be the length of time the vibe holds it’s power. I tend to really tax vibes here…taking sometimes more than an hour to work up to a big and powerful orgasm after building small climaxes. It’s one of my hobbies. 
So when M&M went to bed I put the vibe to the real test, pressing it to my clit and laying back to enjoy the ride. Being “vibe-free” for several months I was more sensitive; but not tremendously- I’ve been using my battery operated vibes just enough to keep myself sane. So the first thing I noticed was that when touching my bits, it felt just as powerful as the Wahl. The second thing I noticed almost immediately after that, which was that it was not heavy or awkward to hold. This has always been the problem with the Wahl for me- it weighs almost a pound and it’s giant. In order to use it one must be prepared to hold the vibe in a way that doesn’t place a lot of pressure where it gets used, and due to the high vibrations this increases carpal tunnel issues. And if you place it against your pubic bone just right (which happens to be really just right for me), it seems to use the pelvis as an accoustic resonator and get even louder- which I stopby holding it even more awkardly. So, the little lilly, as you can see, fits neatly in my palm, and the curve that looks so uncomfortable is actually just perfect to sit the vibe in just the right place and still use the buttons. And I think it couldn’t weigh more than a few ounces. Thrilling!
My orgasm came in a short time but I wanted to play so I held it off for a while, and ended up testing the newly charged Lilly for an hour. It didn’t lose a bit of power. It didn’t hit some bizarre sweet spot against my pubic bone and let the neighbors three doors down know I was doing myself. And I came as powerfully as I had with my trusty gigantor, Wahl.
It was at this point that I swore I heard angels singing.
I still love a Wahl. They’re just so powertooly. I love powertools, if you didn’t know. I have several, and I’ve been kinking on machine fucking and heavy duty “House of Gord” style bondage for some time- even though I wish he’d let some of his ladies truss some men up on the machines. But THIS… this is quite likely to become my everyday, never fail to be without it vibe. It fits in my purse, has the lock, recharges, doesn’t cramp my hand and IS super quiet as well as super powerful. The manual says it can hold up to 7 hours of charge- I assume this is at the lowest level. Even so, if it holds up to me by myself, it will hold up to play. (And this is a totally uncompensated review, just FYI).
M&M wanted me to tell you, too, that he brought me a black bully bag this week, this time filled with nuts. Really a shame he thinks he’s not submissive.
Imagine this title as almost hysterical laughter with a hint of starting to go nutty.
Sooo. Ha.
C., my college bound kid, the one I was preparing to drive to dorms tomorrow morning, got a last minute denial to her application to her college of choice. She’d already been denied once due to very poor grades her senior high school year, and was given the opportunity for guarantied admission if she enrolled at a community college for a specified number of hours and maintained a certain GPA. Apparentlty, her GPA was not nearly what she expected it was, and she did not bother to check on what it actually was before submitting her final requirements for the delayed entry application. And due to finances, we were on the very latest end of dates for getting that paperwork in- which is how we end up here, with the car already packed, the arrangements all already made, without a final decision.
Yep.
All that hard work trying to figure out what to do for *myself* … out the door, and who knows when I will be able to focus on making them anew. Of course, I am disappointed. Actually far beyond disappointed. And angry. But… expressing those things to her does no good now. And it’s a practiced skill I’ve learned to push my own pressing and urgent needs down to meet hers so doing so now is just instinct. I am sure that once sorted out, this will work out for the best and I can go back to focusing on myself. But right now it is pretty hard not to feel pretty shat upon by the whole universe, my daughter included. Especially since the best thing for me to do for her is simply be as supportive as possible and not voice my disappointment or point out the already obvious ways this affects my own plans (also already very difficult to have reached and arranged); while I have made a solemn promise to myself to not DO THAT to myself any longer. Of course I want what is best for her, and of course I don’t resent being her mother, and of course I didn’t expect that to end just because she was moving to college…it’s just…this has been a plan in the making since June of last year. The specifics anyway. And it’s hard to have to give up what I had made for myself in order to make up for having to give up everything in the first place, all over again.
Guh.
I need to hit someone really fucking hard. Really. Fucking. Hard.
So, what does this all mean?
This is the big college move-in week, which is why I haven’t made daily posts and might not over the next week or so. Holding tightly to my few days of at-home-parenthood left.
But I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that the last few posts are primarily for myself; very emotional streams of thought. I don’t want anyone alarmed. I haven’t dropped my basket. I’m just processing, a lot. It helps me to write…but I won’t do it if it just sits unseen.
Fortunately my outlook is more positive than negative. This is a time brimming with opportunity. While that is also what is so terrifying, I know I can take advantage of them even while terrified. And I am determined to take advantage of the opportunities that make life most pleasurable.
I am very much looking forward to my travel from Texas to … somewhere in the northeast (yes, I do know where, just don’t want you all to). I plan to stop in New Orleans, Atlanta, and Memphis, each, for a few days…visit old spirits, listen to good music, and eat…so much of everything. My finances are tenuous but far better than they have been for some time. The kiddo is taken care of, funds wise. There are many things left on the list but the bare essentials which looked like they might not be met, have been.
And I am just preparing myself. Rewriting the day to day things that make up my world, and entering an amorphous time. Training myself to think of … myself, outside of the hour or two I might devote to dominating some man from time to time. Reducing my obstacles and unnecessary obligations one by one. And I am making a deliberate choice to change my self identity. It has been, for nearly twenty years, that of a struggling single mother. True as it might have been, it isn’t who I ever wanted to be. So I am now changing that, and it requires some pretty tormenting internal conversations. Which may spill over onto my blog for a little while. Don’t let it worry you.
Now what.
All this heavy duty stuff has been, well… heavy duty.
But I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel; my long list of responsibilities is being checked off one by one and I am getting small glimmers of what it might be like to not have so many. And beginning to think about how much I have denied and even judged myself in the last several years, particularly in the area of sex and men and the pleasure I derive from them.
During the brief few years that I happily embraced this side of me, I thoroughly enjoyed being a man-eater. I flourished. I loved the attention, the exploration, the sex. And it seems that when I didn’t deny myself this, I was more successful and happy all around. The number of things that happened to make me stop aren’t necessary to re-hash here. I know what they were. No need to afford them any more of my attention.
Now, what comes next is deprogramming, and reprogramming. The entire fabric of my day to day life is falling away and I get to rebuild it to be anything I want. Next week I take the kid to move into college dorms. College bills are paid for. I come back home to pack up stuff into storage and my car, and head on the road, eventually stopping to live with a friend for a few months to catch up financiall and get on a new course. I’ve been coming to realize every day this reality comes closer that I have built so very much of my identity around the home I keep, and my daily life within it. Which makes this whole process of deconstructing that reality bewildering and paralyzing. Unlike most parents seeing their children off to college, none of the rest of my life is remaining the same- my home, my career, my environment, the people I am around…are all changing at the same time, and none of what is to come is firm. And unlike most people my age, I’ve focused on creating a family home environment augmented by a conducive career my whole adult life; not a social life. I have worked out of my home, save the last year, for about a decade, give or take. I love to decorate, and to collect. All of this combined with so many circumstances have led me to come to identify myself, and occupy myself, with my things and my surroundings, to distract from the fact that I am not doing the things I want to do. That is so disturbing.
So of course there are a few more weeks of this limbo- during which things will be much as they always have been here. Once the messes are cleared away however, expect changes. One plus a few days for getting C. off on her own. Another for packing. Perhaps another for- just other stuff. Then, I will just be me and my car. And two of my cats. One is coming with to be re-homed, one is my boyfriend for life, no matter where I go he goes too. Another stays here at her new home. I am imagining that I will take a week to drive to my destination in a leisurely way. And then a week or two to just catch my breath and find a new rhythm; to reconnect with the things that make me feel powerful and give me pleasure, and wipe out any last traces of anything that doesn’t. Because that is the answer to the big question- “what now?”. Power and pleasure. For me. Nothing less.
Interesting tarot for today
I read a daily personal tarot much like a daily horoscope; online. The spread is randomly drawn, as is the deck used. Usually I read the next day’s before going to bed. This was today’s/tomorrow’s (it’s almost 4 am and I am just now headed to bed). Just, interesting, given all things in my life right now- may not be clear to anyone but me, and that’s fine. I mainly wanted to make permanent note of it for myself for later. But thought you might find it interesting too.
In addition, the same site offers a daily stichomancy, which is a reading of a randomly selected bit of text as a form of divination. Mine was a three-part reading today, and the 2nd part which represents the present held a section of “Sons of the Soil” by Honore de Balzac. The first paragraph- which is cut off at random at the beginning- struck me as a very poignant and true statement about the state of women in love and I wanted to remember it for later, also…so I can find the beginning of the paragraph.
“sadness which surprises men, who are one and all distracted from any such concentration of their souls by the cares of life and the continual necessity for action. All true love becomes to a woman an active contemplation, which is more or less lucid, more or less profound, according to her nature.”
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| The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Renaissance Tarot is a modern deck, with symbolism drawn from the heroic age and rendered in renaissance style. This deck is an excellent choice for exploring questions of passion, mastery, and the inner workings of human reason. | |
| The left card represents an important element of the past. Four of Coins (Power): Lustful or greedy pursuit of someone or something. Irrational action. Unreasonable desire for wealth. | |
| . | The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Five of Swords (Defeat), when reversed: Entering new experiences after persuasion or seduction. Undertaking new adventures. |
| . | The right card represents a critical element of the future. Ace of Swords: In the realm of events, the card signifies triumphant power. Whether for good or ill. For the life of the mind it represents the active, passionate impulses. It declares the dominance of the will and zealous, even fanatical, political or religious convictions. It is the sword of righteousness |