I have definitely crossed some sort of threshhold.
Posted on March 1, 2010
Filed Under bad dates, dating, internal dialog, mental D/s, self exploration | 2 Comments
So, I’m in the northeast on a vacation. And yes, still, to visit p.- which is going as usual on his end, and very differently on mine. It’s the last time, and he’s going to regret it. And you all will get to read all about it, very soon. There may even be pictures or a video.
Anyhoo. While here biding my time, and visiting with friends whose schedules became unexpectedly overqhelmed, I decided to place a Craigslist ad for some entertaining dates. It’s always a fun excercise- responses leave plenty of psychological flotsam to ponder. My ad just said I was looking for a nice simple date, no expectations beyond good conversation. And for some smoke; I don’t drink really- nor do I enjoy how it makes me feel during or after, so I come by my chemical relaxation differently.
My evening plans ended up being made with an attorney much older than me and very different from the younger men who replied. Mainly because he had the goods and didn’t fuck around with asking me to make plans and letting me know he understood what I’d been looking for right off, while everyone else was still working their one liner emails. Plus I spent about ten years dating much older men and they’re generally putty in my hands, he had easy going plans for the night, and I knew I was going to have a long day, and I’m not really a crowded bar type.
Before meeting we spoke ont he phone a few times and I should have seen the night’s events coming when he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise…but I knew he was a short New Yorker and chalked it up to that from past experiences. We met up for coffee first, and then went to his place for a game of scrabble over some smoke and white russians and hockey in the background. I know- exciting, but it was right up my alley. We flirted and bantered and it was very fun. Really what I needed after a long and tedious week. After the scrabble game he made his move on me pretty quickly, and I wasn’t totally warmed up to the idea at first but decided what the hell once we started making out. He was a good kisser.
I’d mentioned in a few different subtle ways that I was kinky- I almost made the word ‘quirt’ (on a triple word score) – which is a very small whip like thing that I had in my purse- we had a ‘that’s a good word’ joke going, so I said “that’s a great word, and I know because I have one”. And thought that I had made it fairly clear that I am not the submissive type in other less subtle ways- I’m no wallflower and don’t give off those vibes. So when he grabbed a handful of hair and began to tug on it I politely but firmly said “Don’t pull my hair”.
He backed down a bit but kept getting aggressive in other ways. Not in a threatening way at all, or I’d have used my already well placed knee. More in a Dom sort of way.
I can and do enjoy vanilla sex, and with someone I know and trust I can enjoy some rough play during sex, but I’ve never enjoyed someone who gets aggressive right away since it’s usually a sign their either violent in other ways or a Dom. And I rarely end up making out with someone who is. So, to get my point across, I found his nipple through his shirt, and pinched it. First a little, then harder. He seemed to like it, we kissed again and I kept pinching… He said “Ow!”, and I said “Good”, and gave him a wicked look. He said something like “I don’t know about that”, and went to kiss me again. By this time I was not giving receptive body language back as he tried to pull me in various directions, but was still allowing him to kiss my neck. Then he went to pinch MY nipple, AND he started to try to pull me into a laying position on the couch by my leg, which is when I had to put the kaibosh on the whole thing and explain that I don’t ’switch’, at all. And apparently, neither does he.
He didn’t seem to believe me. And made several attempts kissing me again as I worked to extricate myself from the couch. I finally had to raise my voice to get it across- it wasn’t going to happen. I excused myself to the ladies room and quietly ordered a taxi with an iphone app. I came back in and said “Aww, come on. You’re not going to let me tie you up and spank you?” – and he said stunned “That’s what *I* say!” with his mouth ajar. Finally, he saw the humor in the whole situation and we had a good laugh. But he still kept trying to get me into the sack and push me around, saying how he’d never had anyone not like that sort of thing. He was also disappointed he wasn’t going to get to use his new sport-sheets set, and clearly a bit angry he wasn’t going to be having sex with me- although he did his best to hide it. Thank GAWD I sussed him out before I got into the bedroom, or you may have been reading about all of this is the newspaper instead of my blog. While laughing together and waiting for the cab, he mentioned that ‘this would go in the book’- a book he’s writing which he wouldn’t describe. I told him I’d be writing about it too, and told him I’d send him a link if seeing a man’s penis covered in tiny clothespins wouldn’t bother him. He turned a funny shade and said, no thanks. Then tried to kiss me again. I thought about twisting up his sac before I walked out, but in the end just went for a nipple again as the cab arrived. So easy.
In the past, I’ve had no problem and in fact have thoroughly enjoyed having all kinds of sensual interactions, including those with a more physically aggressive partner, especially when I have no intention of it being a long term thing. I have never NEEDED to be Dominant the first time I was intimate with someone whom I’ve not approached as a dominant, or felt oddly when dominating behavior comes about during foreplay- usually I can turn it around pretty quickly, too. But this time was different. Very different. As funny and silly as the story is, I recognized right away that I had definitely crossed a line somewhere back down the road without knowing it. I felt a little wistful for a simpler time. And a little surprised- I wasn’t expecting that. And a lot proud, as I can remember a time not so long ago when I wasn’t sure enough of myself to have stopped and left, or spoken up about my desires and needs so easily. I found myself wishing it wasn’t 3 am and that I had an easy way to get over to p.’s house ASAP, to make use of my new discovery.
It was a bit strange, and a lot ironically funny. But I’m still wondering how I crossed that line, and how far back down the road it really is.
KY His and Hers … WTF?
Posted on February 25, 2010
Filed Under DIY sex, sillyness, tools and toys | 2 Comments
So I ‘m visiting my vanilla submissive who thinks what I am into is called M&M. He’s a good friend and we’ve known each other over a decade, I sometimes go visit him for a break from real life. I wish that (a) he weren’t married and (b) I had ANY physical attraction to him at all, because he is quite simply THE nicest, most attentive man in the world. In my past discussions about him I’ve shared that he was one of my first escorting clients, and that when I left the business, he mentored and supported me in my new business ventures- and still does. And, in return, I still treat him to my extra special companionship.
My m&m isn’t into many kinks or fetishes. Toys and lingerie are not really his thing. He keeps it short and simple. So when he told me he had a new fun thing to try this time, I was intrigued. He proudly presented me with a package of the new KY Yours and Mine lube, the commercials for which state when the two come together they create a grand experience, and tout increased sensation for the lady.
What they fail to mention is what SORT of increased sensation. Which was basically, just the same as if I had crammed a whole jar of mentholatum up my hoo-ha. It was definitely a sensation. But definitely not a good one. Another reviewer says it’s like sledding down a snowy mountain with your pants off, and I’d have to agree. Fact is, that no matter what mental gymnastics I perform, I can’t make that feel sexy. The active ingredient is mint…what the hell? I couldn’t focus on a thing except the extreme cold tingles emanating from my crotch. And my giggling wasn’t so good for my m&m’s ego.
If you’ve ever put Icy Hot on your body and gotten it into a mucous membrane area (nose, lips, etc), and then tried to use water to wash it off, you understand what I got to experience NEXT when I hopped up and ran to the bathroom for a warm washcloth. It was wrong. So. Wrong.
As for m&m’s experience, he said he didn’t feel anything special on his own, and he did get a bit of the icy cool tingles when we ‘came together’. I’ve read that other men had the effect of a tiny bit of desensitization and warmth. While delaying some men’s orgasm is an admirable goal, it wasn’t what I wanted this time, and it would be nice if the packaging mentioned anything about it. Or about the minty-muff situation. But it didn’t.
So in all, my advice is NO. Just No. If you want the sensation of a York Mint Patty between your legs, go for it. You could take the cheaper route and stick an Altoids up there. But don’t expect to be able to orgasm.
Yay! I have a present on the way!
Posted on January 18, 2010
Filed Under a fine romance, dating, long distance, neurotic romance, tools and toys | 2 Comments
It’s ridiculous that this means so much to me but it does, and whatever.
Last night I talked with p. for the first time since C.’s bad news changed all my plans, again. Since part of my plan to head northeast included being in his city for an extended amount of time so we could pursue things on a more normal basis, and now I won’t be doing that for a while, it was bad news for him too.
Frankly I expected him to disappear for a while as he is wont to do at such times. But instead we had one of the best conversations ever; he’s learning that he can be my friend as well as my bitch, finally. And to make me smile (and show me he took my threat to take on one of the other two cucks I am talking to now instead of him seriously) he sent me a Realdoe, which I’ve been asking for since Christmas. I’ve decided I don’t looove how I look in my harness, nor do I enjoy the ten minute mood-killer break I have to take to get into it. I’ve been waiting to buy a Feeldoe until they came in a realistic color- just my preference; but I’ve already decided if I like it, I’m getting the black ’stout’ as well. So, for once, p. did good.
It should be no big thing to send me gifts. But my recalcitrant slut is soooo nervous about his conservative image that he didn’t pick up a package from me last year fearing it held evidence of his kinky desires; but all it held was an antique medical book as a gift for finishing his residency. So it was a big step… I never thought I’d be in a place where a dildo represented a large step in my most important relationship…but here we are.
I’ll be visiting him soon, so a toy review will be forthcoming, too. I can’t wait to use it on him.
Toy advice sought…
Posted on January 15, 2010
Filed Under tools and toys | Leave a Comment
Ok, floggers.
To begin…WTF is up with the GINORMOUS handles? I know how they’re made and so I understand the bulk, but… can’t something be done? No, I do not want one of those wooden handled operations with several metal loops used to create a swivel. I have visions of my hair getting caught in that as I swing… just…no. I am also short, and these things (the metal parts on most of these pre-made swivel floggers) tend to end up closer to skin with me than they would with other people. Being so short- just over five feet- my hands are also tiny. High schoolers make fun of them kind of tiny. So, these gigantic flogger handles which are often a foot long and two inches or more in diameter…. they hurt me and fly out of my hand at the wrong time and make my carpal tunnel act up. I can’t grip them well enough to use with any real intent. And the handle shaft proportions … well basically all the proportions are all wrong for me.
So there must be someone out there who knows of a custom flogger maker who considers the needs of small but powerful women. And whose floggers cost under $500. I am willing to pay….a reasonable amount.
Second… what to do about a suede flogger that imparts some of it’s dye onto my victim, or whatever else it comes into contact with, with each lash? I spent too much on it to toss. It wasn’t returnable. I’m tired of black marks on my sheets after using it. I’ve tried beating them out by taking it outside and working it over some hard surfaces for about half an hour. No luck, not really even a reduction. Wetting it top wash out the dye will stiffen the suede, and I don’t know much about working with leather. Any suggestions?
Clean up in Process
Posted on January 14, 2010
Filed Under this site | 6 Comments
I have about twenty or so regular readers, even after over a year of not posting. Man, that’s a dedicated reader.
A quick peruse of the last few posts will tell you, things are going poorly for me on many personal levels, there isn’t much kink here, I’ve been whining a lot, and well…I’d like to change that.
As a result I think it’s time for many of the old emotional pouring out posts to go away. Wiping the virtual slate clean, to match my actual state. I will leave the last 2 weeks posts for about a week or so just so everyone can get caught up, before they go away too.
Kinky posts will stay, and if you had a favorite that disappears, let me know and I’ll find a way to make it available to you.
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Added ten minutes later:
I’m not so sure now. I’ve re-read about half my posts, and despite the heavy inclusion of mundane personal life stuff, most of them do speak to my thoughts and experiences as a growing dominant. And I don’t have any desire to hide who I am or have been. I may need to think about a clean up campaign a bit more before I undertake it. Your thoughts?