Hi.
Posted on February 23, 2012
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Been a while, huh?
Life is a funny thing that way. It’s been a very active couple of years for me. More on that later.
Last weekend I got a pleasant reminder of why I started this blog. A new neighbor couple asked me and my man over for drinks and as the night progressed, we soon realized we had a lot in common. She writes, is familiar with ‘the community’ and with ‘the hobby’ community. And after enough imbibing for us both to loosen up, when she asked who my online persona had been as an escort, and I told her, she shrieked and said “No WAY!I’m talking to (my old name here) in my own kitchen!”. Then, recalling her hints at the bdsm community, I also told her I was Ms. Reciprocity. Which resulted in a joyous squealing hug and lots of excited chatting. And boyfriends/husbands rolling their eyes. Then we went to catch Mardi Gras beads. More on that later too.
I didn’t realize I’d had such an effect on … anyone, really. It reminded me how passionate I had been about my inner and outer sexual world, and how rewarding it was to write about it. There’s so many reasons I haven’t in the last few years, but this really spurred me to come back to it. I can’t say things will be the same, but it will still be “Me” here. Blabbing away.
Oh, yes. Thanks to one of my favorite sites in the world, Regretsy, I can bring you this:
(they appear to be sold out just at the moment but peruse the other items)
Changed Man Bikini
Also, I am going to be doing some serious site maintenance for the next few days. So things may get wonky and whatnot. Sorry.
Wheeee … New Rechargeable Vibe with Real Power!
Posted on March 16, 2010
Filed Under Uncategorized | 2 Comments
Vacations that get extended are pretty great. This one has gone from a one to a four week trip. I can thank Austin’s SXSW for this week. After “completing” this round of my dental work Friday (owie!) I discovered over the weekend I had to go back for an adjustment that would be hard to live without in the interim between this and my next trip. They couldn’t get me in today, the only day a reasonably priced airline ticket home was available. For the next several days a flight from where I am to Austin costs more than my original round trip ticket. As generous as M&M is, I can’t ask him to pay for that.
But I did ask him to pay for THIS:
The Lelo Lilly pleasure object. Snort. Pleasure object. O-kay.
But seriously. I am IMPRESSED. This is coming from a girl who has been a die hard Wahl user for twenty years, and who has completely burned out not one but two in her life. Wow, that makes me sound so old and dirty. But it’s true. No man can do what that thing does for me, noise and size and crampy hands be damned. And I thought no other vibe could either. Since burning out my second one sometime back around Thanksgiving, I’ve been far too busy to replace it. Not that I haven’t tried. I’ve checked every Walgreens, Rite-Aid, and CVS in every place I’ve been….that’s the problem is that I’ve been traveling so much to be home reliably to pick up a package from my porch. So I haven’t been able to order one, and they used to be easy to find in a drugstore (that’s how I found my first).
Back when my “plans” involved sending the kiddo off to the dorms and couch surfing here with M&M for a while (funny how it happened anyway), I was considering how loud the Wahl was and that I might want to look for something both quiet and more discrete in general. But EVERY battery operated device I have ever tried (a) isn’t powerful enough, and (b) run out of juice before I get my first orgasm. Usually JUST before, since the lack of power makes it take thrice as long. So I did some serious researching around Christmas thinking I might splurge. I found several very cool looking rechargeables that claimed to be whisper quiet AND powerfil, but all were pretty high dollar and I have never had luck with those claims. So when M&M suggested- after asking some personal questions about how I masturbated and hearing how I’d been vibe-orgasm free for several months- that we stop at a nearby toy shop, I was hopeful I’d find something good. We looked around a bit, I played with some floggers while he pretended not to be afraid and mortified- really nice, small diameter balanced handles and short flails- made for petite ladies like me. But the price tag was pretty hefty for a toy M&M wouldn’t want to play with, with me. So we made our way to the counter and I polled the salesperson about various ones. I spied the Lilly, and it had been one of my top three choices in researching a replacement vibe. But it was over $120. It didn’t take much to talk him into it, and the high tech nature of it didn’t hurt either. But they didn’t have one charged up and we were both dubious. I knew I’d be in trouble if it wasn’t worth it. Not much. But still, I like to keep M&M as happy as I can stand to on this side of the threshold, and it’s getting harder and harder (for me).
So we took the tiny vibe to his place and plugged it in, and anxiously waited. About an hour later (the manual says two hours for a full charge) the lights lit solid indicating it was powered up. We unplugged it (manual says no use while plugged in) and began trying the two buttons. Nothing. Read more of the manual. After a few rinse and repeats of that, we finally discovered that it might be “locked”. While initially frustrating this is a *brilliant* feature…by pressing both buttons at the same time for a few seconds you can lock it and keep it from turning on by accident. To unlock it you press them both until the lights around them light up solid again. So once we figured that out, it took another minute to figure out which was the + button and which was the – button…the manual said they’d be marked but they don’t seem to be. Simple enough- a or b. With the pointy end up, it’s the right button, btw. Once it started up, I was mildly impressed. For such a small size, it was pretty powerful. M&M grabbed it from me and began pressing buttons, making it far more powerful. THEN I was excited! It was really almost as powerful as the Wahl – and for the size it was astounding. The we found the pulse settings…you keep clicking the + button to increase power, and you hold it down for a second or two to get into one of five pulse modes. The – button decreases power and turns it off. As we played with it I realized that if I moved just a yard away from it while it was at full speed, I could not hear it. I jumped up and down like an excited kid. Really!
The next test would be the length of time the vibe holds it’s power. I tend to really tax vibes here…taking sometimes more than an hour to work up to a big and powerful orgasm after building small climaxes. It’s one of my hobbies. 
So when M&M went to bed I put the vibe to the real test, pressing it to my clit and laying back to enjoy the ride. Being “vibe-free” for several months I was more sensitive; but not tremendously- I’ve been using my battery operated vibes just enough to keep myself sane. So the first thing I noticed was that when touching my bits, it felt just as powerful as the Wahl. The second thing I noticed almost immediately after that, which was that it was not heavy or awkward to hold. This has always been the problem with the Wahl for me- it weighs almost a pound and it’s giant. In order to use it one must be prepared to hold the vibe in a way that doesn’t place a lot of pressure where it gets used, and due to the high vibrations this increases carpal tunnel issues. And if you place it against your pubic bone just right (which happens to be really just right for me), it seems to use the pelvis as an accoustic resonator and get even louder- which I stopby holding it even more awkardly. So, the little lilly, as you can see, fits neatly in my palm, and the curve that looks so uncomfortable is actually just perfect to sit the vibe in just the right place and still use the buttons. And I think it couldn’t weigh more than a few ounces. Thrilling!
My orgasm came in a short time but I wanted to play so I held it off for a while, and ended up testing the newly charged Lilly for an hour. It didn’t lose a bit of power. It didn’t hit some bizarre sweet spot against my pubic bone and let the neighbors three doors down know I was doing myself. And I came as powerfully as I had with my trusty gigantor, Wahl.
It was at this point that I swore I heard angels singing.
I still love a Wahl. They’re just so powertooly. I love powertools, if you didn’t know. I have several, and I’ve been kinking on machine fucking and heavy duty “House of Gord” style bondage for some time- even though I wish he’d let some of his ladies truss some men up on the machines. But THIS… this is quite likely to become my everyday, never fail to be without it vibe. It fits in my purse, has the lock, recharges, doesn’t cramp my hand and IS super quiet as well as super powerful. The manual says it can hold up to 7 hours of charge- I assume this is at the lowest level. Even so, if it holds up to me by myself, it will hold up to play. (And this is a totally uncompensated review, just FYI).
M&M wanted me to tell you, too, that he brought me a black bully bag this week, this time filled with nuts. Really a shame he thinks he’s not submissive.
Of Bully Bags and Bitches
Posted on March 10, 2010
Filed Under bad dates, dating, sillyness, tools and toys | 2 Comments
I’m on my final week of ‘vacation’ in the northeast. Wrapping up some serious dental work which took longer than expected, giving peter his last opportunity with me, and visiting with my M&M friend. I had planned for one week, it’s now been three. I’ve enjoyed myself. Particularly now that my smile is back to normal; I’d broken a tooth last year and been struggling to find funds to have it repaired. It had really begun to affect my self esteem, which is generally pretty well placed. Between the dentist and the literally hundreds of men who’ve practically chased me down the streets as I wander town here, it’s safely back in excellent territory for the first time in a long while.
I’ve had some good conversations with peter. Rather, revealing, not necessarily good in the traditional sense. Seems he thinks the word ‘bitch’ is synonymous with ‘jackass’. So when he says he can’t help being a bitch- something he says often, he means he can’t help being an ass. Wrong. I hope I get the opportunity to teach him just how wrong…and yes, if I do, you’ll hear all about it. Years ago when we first met, I voiced thoughts that his assenine behavior might be his way of trying to garner dominant attention to a well respected publicly blogging submissive at that time. Who promptly tok the opportunity to try to be demeaning when he told me I was mistaken and that many dominants make this mistake. Because I”m not submissive or masochistic in any way, and still sometimes find the behavior of those who are confounding, I had to take his word for it and look for other answers. Which I have been doing for a very long time, looking for some deeper, more complex answers to why he acts like such an ass with me but then can’t seem to stay away from what I have to offer, either. As it turns out, I was right after all. Mistaken indeed.
Meanwhile my M&M has been his wonderful self, and having such an extended time to spend together has led to a deeper friendship and many more personal sharings and revelations that we’ve shared in the past. He’s revealed some dominant fantasies, and we’ve talked more about the attraction that dominance holds for me. And I’ve made really clear that none of those fantasies will be lived out with me on the receiving end, thankfully he’s been receptive and understanding. But I felt badly, since I know I am the only opportunity for sexual contact he has, or has had, in a long time. Until, that is, he appeared at the apartment (where he stays for work and where I am staying to reduce travel costs) with an impish grin saying he had the perfect gift for me. He pulled from his backpack an interesting looking container and handed it to me, saying he thought it was the one thing a Domme just should never be without…
Bull scrotum bag
So, if you’re unsure… YES, it’s a ‘bag’ made from a ‘sac’. A bull’s scrotum, tanned into a hardened leather, hair intact, and strung up to make a lovely container, to be precise. I am still deciding what goes in it, but I am thinking possibly the tiny clothespins. M&M was right. No Domme should be without a bag made of balls. He didn’t know how extra appropriate it was that it’s made from a BULL’S sac, because we haven’t really discussed cuckoldry much. But it sure made MY day.
Speaking of bitches/asses, I went on some dates early in my trip with local gentlemen. One was mentioned a few posts ago. The other one went far better, at least at first. We met for lunch after making plans to do so for two days that I had to cancel due to my dental work. So when I asked the last time I canceled if he wanted to meet the next day, same time, I wasn’t expecting him to accept, but he did. I undertook the hour long trek across town to an area nowhere near a public transit stop, while still managing to keep my hair and makeup intact, texting him to confirm about ten minutes before we were to meet. He responded that he’d be a few hours, we’d have to make it a late lunch. I let him know I was already at the restaurant and am not in the habit of waiting around for tardy dates; and he seemed genuinely to think we had miscommunicated, so I gave him a second chance. We met about an hour later and had a wonderful lunch, and then spent the next 10 (!) hours talking non-stop. It was refreshing, he was definitely more of a gentleman than my previous date, and I was looking forward to another when he asked. So earlier this week he texted before lunch to ask my plans. I told him I”d love to meet in a part of town I had to get to for an errand in the next few hours, and he agreed- we planned to text each other when in the area, shortly. I went, ran my errands, walked around a bit, and finally around 4 pm texted him to say I was going to find some lunch on my own. He said he’d love to try and meet me after that, and I let him know I had evening plans with someone else but I could postpone them a bit to meet up with him, and we planned again for him to text me once he got to the neighborhood where I was. I didn’t count on it, and good thing I didn’t. Around 8 I met my dinner date, M&M. And finally got that text from the other guy around nine. Nine hours after our original plans to meet. I politely declined and gave a subtle brush off response. He didn’t get it, and continued to text throughout the night/morning hours, and all day yesterday, despite my lack of response. After telling him today that every one of the rest of my vacation days were booked with plans from people I had no doubt would keep them, he responded with surprise, as if he thought I was just waiting on call for a date with him.
Guh. Bitches. Can’t live with em…. Can’t cut off their balls and make a nice handbag.
I have definitely crossed some sort of threshhold.
Posted on March 1, 2010
Filed Under bad dates, dating, internal dialog, mental D/s, self exploration | 2 Comments
So, I’m in the northeast on a vacation. And yes, still, to visit p.- which is going as usual on his end, and very differently on mine. It’s the last time, and he’s going to regret it. And you all will get to read all about it, very soon. There may even be pictures or a video.
Anyhoo. While here biding my time, and visiting with friends whose schedules became unexpectedly overqhelmed, I decided to place a Craigslist ad for some entertaining dates. It’s always a fun excercise- responses leave plenty of psychological flotsam to ponder. My ad just said I was looking for a nice simple date, no expectations beyond good conversation. And for some smoke; I don’t drink really- nor do I enjoy how it makes me feel during or after, so I come by my chemical relaxation differently.
My evening plans ended up being made with an attorney much older than me and very different from the younger men who replied. Mainly because he had the goods and didn’t fuck around with asking me to make plans and letting me know he understood what I’d been looking for right off, while everyone else was still working their one liner emails. Plus I spent about ten years dating much older men and they’re generally putty in my hands, he had easy going plans for the night, and I knew I was going to have a long day, and I’m not really a crowded bar type.
Before meeting we spoke ont he phone a few times and I should have seen the night’s events coming when he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise…but I knew he was a short New Yorker and chalked it up to that from past experiences. We met up for coffee first, and then went to his place for a game of scrabble over some smoke and white russians and hockey in the background. I know- exciting, but it was right up my alley. We flirted and bantered and it was very fun. Really what I needed after a long and tedious week. After the scrabble game he made his move on me pretty quickly, and I wasn’t totally warmed up to the idea at first but decided what the hell once we started making out. He was a good kisser.
I’d mentioned in a few different subtle ways that I was kinky- I almost made the word ‘quirt’ (on a triple word score) – which is a very small whip like thing that I had in my purse- we had a ‘that’s a good word’ joke going, so I said “that’s a great word, and I know because I have one”. And thought that I had made it fairly clear that I am not the submissive type in other less subtle ways- I’m no wallflower and don’t give off those vibes. So when he grabbed a handful of hair and began to tug on it I politely but firmly said “Don’t pull my hair”.
He backed down a bit but kept getting aggressive in other ways. Not in a threatening way at all, or I’d have used my already well placed knee. More in a Dom sort of way.
I can and do enjoy vanilla sex, and with someone I know and trust I can enjoy some rough play during sex, but I’ve never enjoyed someone who gets aggressive right away since it’s usually a sign their either violent in other ways or a Dom. And I rarely end up making out with someone who is. So, to get my point across, I found his nipple through his shirt, and pinched it. First a little, then harder. He seemed to like it, we kissed again and I kept pinching… He said “Ow!”, and I said “Good”, and gave him a wicked look. He said something like “I don’t know about that”, and went to kiss me again. By this time I was not giving receptive body language back as he tried to pull me in various directions, but was still allowing him to kiss my neck. Then he went to pinch MY nipple, AND he started to try to pull me into a laying position on the couch by my leg, which is when I had to put the kaibosh on the whole thing and explain that I don’t ‘switch’, at all. And apparently, neither does he.
He didn’t seem to believe me. And made several attempts kissing me again as I worked to extricate myself from the couch. I finally had to raise my voice to get it across- it wasn’t going to happen. I excused myself to the ladies room and quietly ordered a taxi with an iphone app. I came back in and said “Aww, come on. You’re not going to let me tie you up and spank you?” – and he said stunned “That’s what *I* say!” with his mouth ajar. Finally, he saw the humor in the whole situation and we had a good laugh. But he still kept trying to get me into the sack and push me around, saying how he’d never had anyone not like that sort of thing. He was also disappointed he wasn’t going to get to use his new sport-sheets set, and clearly a bit angry he wasn’t going to be having sex with me- although he did his best to hide it. Thank GAWD I sussed him out before I got into the bedroom, or you may have been reading about all of this is the newspaper instead of my blog. While laughing together and waiting for the cab, he mentioned that ‘this would go in the book’- a book he’s writing which he wouldn’t describe. I told him I’d be writing about it too, and told him I’d send him a link if seeing a man’s penis covered in tiny clothespins wouldn’t bother him. He turned a funny shade and said, no thanks. Then tried to kiss me again. I thought about twisting up his sac before I walked out, but in the end just went for a nipple again as the cab arrived. So easy.
In the past, I’ve had no problem and in fact have thoroughly enjoyed having all kinds of sensual interactions, including those with a more physically aggressive partner, especially when I have no intention of it being a long term thing. I have never NEEDED to be Dominant the first time I was intimate with someone whom I’ve not approached as a dominant, or felt oddly when dominating behavior comes about during foreplay- usually I can turn it around pretty quickly, too. But this time was different. Very different. As funny and silly as the story is, I recognized right away that I had definitely crossed a line somewhere back down the road without knowing it. I felt a little wistful for a simpler time. And a little surprised- I wasn’t expecting that. And a lot proud, as I can remember a time not so long ago when I wasn’t sure enough of myself to have stopped and left, or spoken up about my desires and needs so easily. I found myself wishing it wasn’t 3 am and that I had an easy way to get over to p.’s house ASAP, to make use of my new discovery.
It was a bit strange, and a lot ironically funny. But I’m still wondering how I crossed that line, and how far back down the road it really is.
KY His and Hers … WTF?
Posted on February 25, 2010
Filed Under DIY sex, sillyness, tools and toys | 2 Comments
So I ‘m visiting my vanilla submissive who thinks what I am into is called M&M. He’s a good friend and we’ve known each other over a decade, I sometimes go visit him for a break from real life. I wish that (a) he weren’t married and (b) I had ANY physical attraction to him at all, because he is quite simply THE nicest, most attentive man in the world. In my past discussions about him I’ve shared that he was one of my first escorting clients, and that when I left the business, he mentored and supported me in my new business ventures- and still does. And, in return, I still treat him to my extra special companionship.
My m&m isn’t into many kinks or fetishes. Toys and lingerie are not really his thing. He keeps it short and simple. So when he told me he had a new fun thing to try this time, I was intrigued. He proudly presented me with a package of the new KY Yours and Mine lube, the commercials for which state when the two come together they create a grand experience, and tout increased sensation for the lady.
What they fail to mention is what SORT of increased sensation. Which was basically, just the same as if I had crammed a whole jar of mentholatum up my hoo-ha. It was definitely a sensation. But definitely not a good one. Another reviewer says it’s like sledding down a snowy mountain with your pants off, and I’d have to agree. Fact is, that no matter what mental gymnastics I perform, I can’t make that feel sexy. The active ingredient is mint…what the hell? I couldn’t focus on a thing except the extreme cold tingles emanating from my crotch. And my giggling wasn’t so good for my m&m’s ego.
If you’ve ever put Icy Hot on your body and gotten it into a mucous membrane area (nose, lips, etc), and then tried to use water to wash it off, you understand what I got to experience NEXT when I hopped up and ran to the bathroom for a warm washcloth. It was wrong. So. Wrong.
As for m&m’s experience, he said he didn’t feel anything special on his own, and he did get a bit of the icy cool tingles when we ‘came together’. I’ve read that other men had the effect of a tiny bit of desensitization and warmth. While delaying some men’s orgasm is an admirable goal, it wasn’t what I wanted this time, and it would be nice if the packaging mentioned anything about it. Or about the minty-muff situation. But it didn’t.
So in all, my advice is NO. Just No. If you want the sensation of a York Mint Patty between your legs, go for it. You could take the cheaper route and stick an Altoids up there. But don’t expect to be able to orgasm.
Yay! I have a present on the way!
Posted on January 18, 2010
Filed Under a fine romance, dating, long distance, neurotic romance, tools and toys | 2 Comments
It’s ridiculous that this means so much to me but it does, and whatever.
Last night I talked with p. for the first time since C.’s bad news changed all my plans, again. Since part of my plan to head northeast included being in his city for an extended amount of time so we could pursue things on a more normal basis, and now I won’t be doing that for a while, it was bad news for him too.
Frankly I expected him to disappear for a while as he is wont to do at such times. But instead we had one of the best conversations ever; he’s learning that he can be my friend as well as my bitch, finally. And to make me smile (and show me he took my threat to take on one of the other two cucks I am talking to now instead of him seriously) he sent me a Realdoe, which I’ve been asking for since Christmas. I’ve decided I don’t looove how I look in my harness, nor do I enjoy the ten minute mood-killer break I have to take to get into it. I’ve been waiting to buy a Feeldoe until they came in a realistic color- just my preference; but I’ve already decided if I like it, I’m getting the black ‘stout’ as well. So, for once, p. did good.
It should be no big thing to send me gifts. But my recalcitrant slut is soooo nervous about his conservative image that he didn’t pick up a package from me last year fearing it held evidence of his kinky desires; but all it held was an antique medical book as a gift for finishing his residency. So it was a big step… I never thought I’d be in a place where a dildo represented a large step in my most important relationship…but here we are.
I’ll be visiting him soon, so a toy review will be forthcoming, too. I can’t wait to use it on him.
Toy advice sought…
Posted on January 15, 2010
Filed Under tools and toys | Leave a Comment
Ok, floggers.
To begin…WTF is up with the GINORMOUS handles? I know how they’re made and so I understand the bulk, but… can’t something be done? No, I do not want one of those wooden handled operations with several metal loops used to create a swivel. I have visions of my hair getting caught in that as I swing… just…no. I am also short, and these things (the metal parts on most of these pre-made swivel floggers) tend to end up closer to skin with me than they would with other people. Being so short- just over five feet- my hands are also tiny. High schoolers make fun of them kind of tiny. So, these gigantic flogger handles which are often a foot long and two inches or more in diameter…. they hurt me and fly out of my hand at the wrong time and make my carpal tunnel act up. I can’t grip them well enough to use with any real intent. And the handle shaft proportions … well basically all the proportions are all wrong for me.
So there must be someone out there who knows of a custom flogger maker who considers the needs of small but powerful women. And whose floggers cost under $500. I am willing to pay….a reasonable amount.
Second… what to do about a suede flogger that imparts some of it’s dye onto my victim, or whatever else it comes into contact with, with each lash? I spent too much on it to toss. It wasn’t returnable. I’m tired of black marks on my sheets after using it. I’ve tried beating them out by taking it outside and working it over some hard surfaces for about half an hour. No luck, not really even a reduction. Wetting it top wash out the dye will stiffen the suede, and I don’t know much about working with leather. Any suggestions?
Clean up in Process
Posted on January 14, 2010
Filed Under this site | 6 Comments
I have about twenty or so regular readers, even after over a year of not posting. Man, that’s a dedicated reader.
A quick peruse of the last few posts will tell you, things are going poorly for me on many personal levels, there isn’t much kink here, I’ve been whining a lot, and well…I’d like to change that.
As a result I think it’s time for many of the old emotional pouring out posts to go away. Wiping the virtual slate clean, to match my actual state. I will leave the last 2 weeks posts for about a week or so just so everyone can get caught up, before they go away too.
Kinky posts will stay, and if you had a favorite that disappears, let me know and I’ll find a way to make it available to you.
—————–
Added ten minutes later:
I’m not so sure now. I’ve re-read about half my posts, and despite the heavy inclusion of mundane personal life stuff, most of them do speak to my thoughts and experiences as a growing dominant. And I don’t have any desire to hide who I am or have been. I may need to think about a clean up campaign a bit more before I undertake it. Your thoughts?
Imagine this title as almost hysterical laughter with a hint of starting to go nutty.
Posted on January 13, 2010
Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Sooo. Ha.
C., my college bound kid, the one I was preparing to drive to dorms tomorrow morning, got a last minute denial to her application to her college of choice. She’d already been denied once due to very poor grades her senior high school year, and was given the opportunity for guarantied admission if she enrolled at a community college for a specified number of hours and maintained a certain GPA. Apparentlty, her GPA was not nearly what she expected it was, and she did not bother to check on what it actually was before submitting her final requirements for the delayed entry application. And due to finances, we were on the very latest end of dates for getting that paperwork in- which is how we end up here, with the car already packed, the arrangements all already made, without a final decision.
Yep.
All that hard work trying to figure out what to do for *myself* … out the door, and who knows when I will be able to focus on making them anew. Of course, I am disappointed. Actually far beyond disappointed. And angry. But… expressing those things to her does no good now. And it’s a practiced skill I’ve learned to push my own pressing and urgent needs down to meet hers so doing so now is just instinct. I am sure that once sorted out, this will work out for the best and I can go back to focusing on myself. But right now it is pretty hard not to feel pretty shat upon by the whole universe, my daughter included. Especially since the best thing for me to do for her is simply be as supportive as possible and not voice my disappointment or point out the already obvious ways this affects my own plans (also already very difficult to have reached and arranged); while I have made a solemn promise to myself to not DO THAT to myself any longer. Of course I want what is best for her, and of course I don’t resent being her mother, and of course I didn’t expect that to end just because she was moving to college…it’s just…this has been a plan in the making since June of last year. The specifics anyway. And it’s hard to have to give up what I had made for myself in order to make up for having to give up everything in the first place, all over again.
Guh.
I need to hit someone really fucking hard. Really. Fucking. Hard.
So, what does this all mean?
Posted on January 12, 2010
Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
This is the big college move-in week, which is why I haven’t made daily posts and might not over the next week or so. Holding tightly to my few days of at-home-parenthood left.
But I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that the last few posts are primarily for myself; very emotional streams of thought. I don’t want anyone alarmed. I haven’t dropped my basket. I’m just processing, a lot. It helps me to write…but I won’t do it if it just sits unseen.
Fortunately my outlook is more positive than negative. This is a time brimming with opportunity. While that is also what is so terrifying, I know I can take advantage of them even while terrified. And I am determined to take advantage of the opportunities that make life most pleasurable.
I am very much looking forward to my travel from Texas to … somewhere in the northeast (yes, I do know where, just don’t want you all to). I plan to stop in New Orleans, Atlanta, and Memphis, each, for a few days…visit old spirits, listen to good music, and eat…so much of everything. My finances are tenuous but far better than they have been for some time. The kiddo is taken care of, funds wise. There are many things left on the list but the bare essentials which looked like they might not be met, have been.
And I am just preparing myself. Rewriting the day to day things that make up my world, and entering an amorphous time. Training myself to think of … myself, outside of the hour or two I might devote to dominating some man from time to time. Reducing my obstacles and unnecessary obligations one by one. And I am making a deliberate choice to change my self identity. It has been, for nearly twenty years, that of a struggling single mother. True as it might have been, it isn’t who I ever wanted to be. So I am now changing that, and it requires some pretty tormenting internal conversations. Which may spill over onto my blog for a little while. Don’t let it worry you.